Say the most terrifying word when it comes to food….”broccoli,” and most men will run screaming from the room. I said, “most men.” There are some strange very weird men that actually do eat broccoli, but I suspect they were brainwashed by their parents at a very early age. Or their parents were vegetarians. Or their secret desire is to have a sex change and become a woman.
Otherwise no self-respecting guy is EVER gonna eat broccoli. Me included. I might add that former President George H. W. Bush also hated broccoli. What more proof do ya need than that! The only reason Bush didn’t outlaw broccoli was for fear of losing the women’s vote.
“I do not like broccoli. And I haven’t liked it since I was a little kid and my mother made me eat it. And I’m President of the United States and I’m not going to eat any more broccoli.”
George H. W. Bush
Look. If all of you women out there want to eat broccoli along with all those other vegetables that make men gag, go right ahead and eat them. Just quit with the, “Oh Harry, you have no idea what you’re missing….they’re sooooo tasty and good for you.”
“READ MY LIPS…(ol George H.W. Bush saying) WE DON’T CARE HOW TASTY YOU THINK THEY ARE OR IF THEY’RE GOOD FOR US……..JUST STOP!!!!!”
And while you’re at it gorge yourselves on the rest of that stuff you’re always trying to stuff down our throats. Namely, the holy grail vegetable list. It even gives me the willies writing their names. Blachhhh!
Spinach, brussels sprouts, turnips, eggplant, avocados, artichokes and of course the dreaded by all men vegetable, broccoli. Blachhhh!
If ya promised me sex every day for a year if I’d eat any of those vegetables I’d still refuse to eat them. Unless you could disguise any of them by smothering them in milk chocolate and peanuts. Maybe.
Um…on second thought. No way!
Chances are I could get sex every day of the year without eating those stinkin’ vegetables. If I had a lot of money, was very good-looking, and my name was George Clooney or Brad Pitt. Bet neither of those two guys have to eat broccoli or any of those vegetables to have sex every day.
Yeah right….like Angelina Jolie is gonna tell Brad he can’t have sex if he doesn’t eat a damn artichoke.
“Don’t do it Brad! I’m asking you for all mankind….don’t do it!”
Ya see, I got on this anti-vegetable kick because of a Christmas get together my other half and I went to Monday night. Things were fine. The male host, my pal Tom, brought out his home-made beef jerky, for us male jerks. Then his friend Dara brought out yummy thingys consisting of crab meat on tiny squares of English muffins. (tiny crabs I guess) Which is also a disease but I’m not going there.
Then there was vegetable dip, which I suspiciously suspected was an attempt to suck me into eating what came next. The trap. A vegetable plate with (gasp) broccoli, celery and carrots. YES! The old “suck em in with a disguised dip broccoli celery carrot ruse.”
And I was right. No sooner had I pigged out on potato chips and vegetable dip, out came the broccoli, celery and carrots. OMG! The deprivation of it all.
“Here Misfit…..have some tasty broccoli, celery and carrots.”
“WHAT! Are you outta your ever lovin’ mind! I ain’t eatin’ that stuff!”
“But you’re already eating vegetable dip.”
“What’s different about it? Vegetables are vegetables and you’re actually eating them.”
“Oh no I’m not. Ya can’t fool me. THIS IS DIP!”
“But it’s made out of vegetables.”
“Yeah, well bacon is made outta pigs and ya don’t seem me scarfing down a live pig do ya?”
“I don’t get your point.”
“My point is this dip doesn’t look like broccoli or any other vegetable, and it’s tasty. Besides that, there’s no way if you squished any of those disgusting vegetables like artichokes and stuff that it would taste good. I ain’t stoopid ya know. I didn’t fall off the banana truck yesterday. Speaking of….ya got any bananas?”
I might add that the day after that get together we went to my other friend Bob’s house, (I only have two friends) and there wasn’t a damn vegetable in sight. MAN CAVE! MAN CAVE! Unless they knew I was coming and hid all of the vegetables.
NOTE: I was just informed that a vegetable was indeed served….squash. However, squash gets a pass on this one. Only because I like squash pie. Pumpkin too. As far as I’m concerned, those two are man-friendly. HEY! Have ya ever heard of a freakin’ artichoke pie?
Ya see guys, women are completely different from us men when it comes to the definition of “tasty.”
Gimmie a plate of vegetables with REAL man up vegetables like corn, peas, potatoes or even beets, and I’ll be totally happy supporting vegetable farmers all across America.
Let the damn women support those other farmers who grow that other stuff. When’s the last time you saw an artichoke farm driving along the countryside? Hah! Fields of corn are everywhere. WHY? Because it tastes good and that’s why ya see hundreds of corn fields and no artichoke fields. Why do ya think the movie “Field of Dreams” was such a big hit. Wasn’t because of broccoli or artichokes for cripes sake.
Yeah….like watch Shoeless Joe Jackson walk out in that movie surrounded by artichokes or broccoli.
So women…..stop it! Eat your damn vegetables and leave us men alone!!!
Invite me to a get together with all kinds of goodies like chocolate chip cookies, cakes, real food like ham and turkey with a party platter of pepperoni and cheese and I’m in pig heaven. So what if I eat all of that stuff and gain 20 pounds.
Which ultimately may account for the fact that most of us men are a bunch of fat slobs that can barely get up off of the couch to fill our plates and our thin vegetable eating spouses and girlfriends have to do it for us.
But…..we’re happy fat slobs.
(DONATE) The MisfitWisdom PayPal donate link is posted below. If it’s not highlighted, (blue) copy and dip…I mean “paste” the link into your browser. If you’re into eating a lot of vegetables, like carrots, obviously you have great eyesight and can spot that link with no problem. Guys with bad eyesight can attribute not seeing the link to not eating vegetables. Which may account for the lack of donations from men. Then again, women don’t donate either. Men because they can’t see the damn link below, and women because it’s a protest against me for hating vegetables. Damn!
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