Yep…..I went ahead against my better judgement and wrote another Mayan blog. I really tried to resist the temptation, but after much thought, and getting some support from a few of my loyal blog supporters at a local bar, I went and did it anyhow.
I looked at it this way. Tomorrow is the 21st and if the Mayans are right, we’ll all be reduced to miniscule dust particles so it won’t matter if the last blog I wrote was about more important stuff like..um…WAIT!
Let’s see. Ok….how about a taking a moment to take a look at my new calendar I just got in the mail from the “American Seagull Society.” Wow, some really neat photos of various seagulls in the calendar and….calendar…..calendar!
OMG….the Mayans calendar says that tomorrow is……..damn it…can’t get away from that.
OK, OK, clear your mind Misfit. Think about something else. Um…..my fireplace. Um, my fake fireplace that is. Yeah, that’s comforting enough. Watching the fake logs light up and the recorded crackling nose. How comforting. (sigh) Yep, and um…..just sitting back and reading today’s paper. Let’s see, what’s this story about?
“”Live Science” explains exactly how life on Earth with be snuffed out. We’ll be toasted by a massive solar storm and the Earth’s magnetic poles will flip-flop catastrophically and a non-existent planet, (most likely Vulcania) will smash into us while several million fire ants will burrow their way into our homes at night and devour all of us in our sleep.
Ok, um…..business news. Surely no doom and gloom Mayan nonsense is in the business section of the newspaper. Let’s see. Whats this item. “$49,000 the cost of fiberglass survival pods being sold by a Chinese furniture maker in preparation of the apocalypse.”
Cripes. Even in the business news.
(throwing that part of the paper in the fake fireplace)
Hmmm. Ok, how about the entertainment section. There’s gotta be some good news in there. Whats this? “$100 for a really good margarita.” Hmmm, why $100 dollars. Must be a really great drink. (reading more)
“The new drink with DeLeon reposado tequila, Grand Marnier 100 year, agave nectar, and real gold flakes is being offered by “Iron Cactus,” a Mexican grill in Austin.”
Now why are they doin’ that? (reading more)
“The grill is offering this unusual drink for people planning to drink like there’s no tomorrow in light of the Mayan impending doom prediction.”
Ok, how about foreign news then. Surely foreigners aren’t as gullible as us Americans. Let’s see….”150 police officers from Bugarach, a French village near a mountain peak are turning visitors away because rumor has it that an alien spacecraft will emerge on the last day and rescue everybody nearby.”
Cripes…..are all those French villagers stupid or what! Then again, they may be the same villagers who stormed Frankensteins’ castle looking for body transplants. Mostly women who couldn’t afford boob enlargements.
I’m not doing very well here folks. Can’t escape all this Mayan news. Damn!
I know. I’m gonna call somebody that’s got a freakin’ brain and put an end to all this stupid Mayan theory stuff. (checking phone book)
HA! Here it is. David Stuart, a professor of Mesoamerican art at the University of Texas in Austin. (I have no idea what the heck a professor of “Mesoamerican” studies, but it sounded really important) I think it’s a person who either studies “mesos” or Spanish-American culture. Either way, this guy should be able to set me straight on all this Mayan stuff.
“Hello, is this Professor Stuart?”
“Yes, how may I be of assistance to you.”
“Look, I’m kinda worried about all this end of the world Mayan stuff that’s supposed to happen tomorrow. You know, the end of the world, doom and gloom, locusts, fire ants, meteorites, planets crashing into us, and all that stuff. Is it true that when the Mayans calendar ends, so do we?”
“Well, um, excuse me a moment. Yes….what is it Igor?”
“Professor, the survival pod….do ya want me to stock it up with some really good Clint Eastwood movies?”
“In a moment Igor, I’m on the phone. Now sir, what was your question…oh yes……were the Mayan’s right. Well, in a manner of speaking it was all of us Westerners who came up with the doomsday theory. You see, the Maya never said anything about the end of the world or anything about a great change in the universe on that day.”
“They didn’t! So all this doom and gloom stuff is just a bunch of hooey that us Westerners made up?”
“Basically yes. My theory is that it was just a way for the Mayans to drum up business for the next calendar they were working on. You know how it is. If you don’t have a calendar how can you make any plans and remember them if you don’t have a calendar to write things down on.”
“Geez…..makes perfectly good sense to me. So you’re not at all concerned about tomorrow being the end of the word?”
“No….not in the least. So do you feel a bit more relaxed now?”
“Yeah, thanks. I’ll pass this on to my blog readers. Um, can I ask you some more questions about all this Mayan stuff?”
“Oh, sorry, I’m about out of time. Your call was forwarded to me from Austin to my location here in Bugarach, France and the time zone is a bit ahead of yours, so Igor and I have to get moving quickly on our escape pod and a welcoming sign for the aliens when they land….see ya” (click)
(throwing myself into the fake fireplace)
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