The All A-“Lone Ranger.” Until Tonto Just Happened By.

Johnny Depp (L) and Armie Hammer (R) in "The Lone Ranger."

Johnny Depp (L) and Armie Hammer (R) in “The Lone Ranger.”





“Hi Yo Silver, brass and gold……um, wait a sec…..oh yeah, this isn’t a story about the Olympics…sorry. No folks, and cowboy lovers, this is a return to the ol West and the adventures of “Tonto and the Lone Ranger.”  Or, it could be the adventures of “The Long Ranger and Tonto” That of course depends on who has the best agent and gets top billing in this new movie.

Considering many Indians run very profitable casinos these days my money’s on Tonto getting top billing.

Once again, the brainiacs in Hollywood, where the last part of “Holly” is “wood,” which completely explains why nothing new and creative comes out of Hollywood, because those people who can’t come up with any new movie ideas have brains made out of balsa wood.

Soooooo….what’s the next great new movie idea to come out of Hollywood? By golly, it’s Disney’s new version of “The Lone Ranger and Tonto” Kemo Sabe. This one stars Johnny Depp as Tonto and Armie Hammer, (no relation to those Arm and Hammer people) as the ranger that’s all alone…..or “lone,” until he runs into Tonto.

The twist in this new remake  is that for once and for all we get to see how the Lone Ranger decided to wear a mask.lone mask sleep

Yep, just the other day I said to my other half, “Geez…..I wonder how the hell the Lone Ranger started to wear a mask? Did he have some rally bad acne? Was he cross-eyed? Did he wear glasses and had little contact lenses installed in his mask?” (can’t really be a credible Lone Ranger if ya wear glasses….kinda dorky)

But the new movie answers that burning question for all of us.

Here’s the official Disney movie trailer that explains how the Lone Ranger and Tonto first met. No, it was NOT in a singles bar either. It was earlier when Tonto and the Lone Ranger met, before he was the Lone Ranger, perhaps just a ranger, or maybe studying to be a ranger. Anyhow, here’s the movie trailer: r horse

According to a news story by Bryan Erik of, “Movie Talk,” who himself does not wear a mask or is a Native American, I think, Reid, (Armie Hammer) is a “spirit walker,” (not a walker that seniors who have had a few drinks use) who has been to the other side, (not North Korea) and he has returned, reinvents himself as an avenger, (similar to Donald Trump) and who “rides for justice,” which could, if he ever fails in this movie as the Lone Ranger, would qualify him for a seat on the Supreme Court.

Tonto, being the wise Indian that he is, having attended college during the off years that the Lone Ranger was living in a retirement home, points out to the Lone Ranger that people think he’s dead and advises him that it’s “better to stay that way.” Lest many of the Ranger’s ex wives come after him for alimony. So, he convinces the Lone Ranger to “wear the damn mask for cripes sake.” I put that in quotes because that’s what I would have said.lone kemo sable

As Tonto so aptly put it in the movie: “There come a time where good man must wear mask.”

I myself wear a mask on occasion when my other half and I…um…er…..neverrrrr mind.

So that’s where the mask comes into play. And, we all know, that if any of us were to simply wear a mask that covers our eyes in our everyday lives no one on earth, even our best friends or spouses would recognize us. Like Clark Kent who just wore a nerdy pair of glasses instead of a damn mask and NO ONE even had a freakin’ clue he was Superman.

So that’s when the Lone Ranger and Tonto went to one of those X-rated stores, picked out a mask, and a few other accessories, and hit the ol trail fighting crime and corruption across the vast Western wilderness.lone mask

Of course, as usual, in our politically correct inane society, Depp is taking some heat for playing Tonto. Native American groups think a Native American should portray Tonto. But, apparently that did not deter Disney from casting Depp as Tonto anyhow. Which it shouldn’t.

After all, where were those Native Americans when Art Carney had a cat named “Tonto” in the movie “Harry and Tonto.” Ya didn’t see them complaining that the cat should have been played by a Native American cat did ya Kemeow Sabe? I’m assuming of course there are actually Native American cats around somewhere. Might have to check that one out.

There was some friction in the relationship between the Lone Ranger and Tonto, which led to both of them going their seperate ways, but it has since been resolved when the Lone Ranger agreed to stop saying that he was “alone” and not giving credit to Tonto when it came to fighting crime.lone alone

The movie is set for release on July 3, 2013. It has the usual visual effects that you would expect in a Western shoot-em-up-Hi Yo Silver rootin’ tootin’ horsie galloping movie. Like explosions, jumping off cliffs, crash scenes, train derailments and machine gun fire, and…..WAIT!

MACHINE GUN FIRE?  The Lone Ranger and Tonto have machine guns? WTF!

Hmmmm. I don’t ever recall Clayton Moore and Jay Silverheels ever having a machine gun strapped to their horses. Might have missed that one too. Damn!

However, considering this IS the 21st century and the Lone Ranger and Tonto ride again, and to keep up with the times, it’s quite understandable that both would carry machine guns. Which may also account for the mask Tonto advised the Lone Ranger to wear.

You know how those Federal guys, (ATF) get all bent outta shape when you carry a machine gun. And on a horse to boot. And also while you’re wearing a mask and hanging around with an Indian. Kinda sets their alarm mode off.

Might be wise for Tonto to start wearing a mask as well.



Just sayin.’

(DONATE) The MisfitWisdom PayPal donate link for creative effort on my part is posted below Kemo Sabe. If the link is not highlighted, (blue) it’s because I’m wearing a mask and may have had trouble seeing the link to make it blue. In that case, simply copy and paste the link into your browser to get to the PayPal site. As Tonto would say, “There come a time when good man must donate.” Other than to Indian casinos.

Donations since January 2009 AD……( 1 )

Copyright 2012 MisfitWisdom RLV


About misfit120

Former disc jockey, (Dick Jones) 30 years, and author of, "I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way" available at books, & Kindle, "The Covert Chamber" a mystery novel available at and Barnes & Noble, and "Forgotten" the story of two WWI pilots who were forgotten for over 70 years available on and Kindle
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