You know that until the 21st of December rolls around Mayan end of world stories are going to be floating around all over the place. So, here’s another one. Sorry, I just can’t help myself. I mayan be havan a “MEOWS.” (Mayan End Of World Syndrome)
This time it’s the U.S. Government actually promising all of us that the world will not end. Geez….how comforting is THAT!
Is this the same government that can’t get its’ act together and stop us all from falling off that damn fiscal cliff? If they can’t stop us from falling off of a freakin’ cliff how in the hell are we supposed to believe them when it comes to promising us the world won’t end?
I mean, a cliff is a cliff. Put up a few guard rails and some warning signs and you’d have to be a complete idiot to fall off of it. But the world ending! WHAT! Do they think we’re stupid or somethin?’
So here’s the promise the government made according to Liz Goodwin in an article for “Yahoo News.” Who most likely wrote that article from the International Space Station jussssst in case the government doesn’t keep their promise. Smart girl that Liz.
The smartest way the government thought of to announce to all of us lemmings that the world will not end on the 21st was to post it on a blog. Yeah…right…..like EVERYBODY’S gonna read a blog written by the government. We all know the government has absolutely no sense of humor so why in the hell would anyone read their blogs.
Come to think of it, why in the hell are ya reading this one? Beats me.
The post on “USA.gov” says NASA, those people who are completely spaced out, which is another reason you shouldn’t believe a word they say, have received thousands of letters from people convinced that the world will end on December 21st, based on a misunderstanding of the ancient Mayan calendar.
Yes, the same Mayan calendar which depicted cheesecake photos of Mayan women that the Mayans published each December 21st in order to raise funds for various Mayan projects like Mayan golf courses, Mayan spas, and of course the ever popular Mayan calendars. Which, due to the popularity of sundials, doomed their calendar business, which is why their calendar ended on December 21st when they shut down their calendar business.
It was either that, or a distant Mayan relative of Mitt Romney bought out the Mayan calendar company and fired all of the Mayan employees.
The messages the government has been receiving from various people on Prozac indicate their concern that a giant comet, (not the cleanser) will come hurtling towards earth or that we will collide with another planet. Most likely Texas after they secede from the United States.
A NASA scientist said that he’s received letters from young people contemplating suicide because they believe the apocalypse is coming. As we all know, an apocalypse is, according to my handy dandy “Funk & Wagnells” dictionary of words that no one ever uses, means, “a prophecy of revelation.” Simply put, some prophet that reveals himself or, reveals stuff that he thinks is gonna happen, like him getting arrested for revealing himself. My guess anyhow.
But, NASA says, and I quote, “The world will not end on December 21st 2012, or any day in 2012.”
No mention was made as to if the world will end in 2013 however. Maybe they just got the year wrong. Simple error. You know how awfully busy those NASA guys are just trying to find life on Mars. So far, all they’ve found is a calendar left by some Martians saying that life on Mars will end on December 21st 240 BC. No big deal.
NASA released a video earlier this year explaining that the Mayan calendar does not actually predict the end of the world on December 21st, and that the myth that the planet “Nibru” is heading towards Earth is easily disapproved because astronomers have detected no such planet. Obviously NASA scientists have not watched any episodes of Star Trek otherwise they would know that there is such a planet. Damn dummies.
Next thing ya know they’ll be telling us there’s no planet “Vulcania” and that Dr. Spock doesn’t exist. HAH! Tell THAT to Leonard Nimoy NASA.
If you needed further proof that the world isn’t coming to an end, the Russian government has made similar assurances to its people that the end of the world is not coming, and authorities in France are planning to block access to a southern mountain which believers think could serve as a mystical place of refuge on December 21st. Otherwise known as “Space Mountain.” I think.
But, ya just can’t convince some people that the world is not going to end. A Belgian amateur astronomer, Patrick Geryl, has set up an online community for people who follow him and believe the world will end. He’s told his followers to, (get this) stockpile 15 to 20 pairs of shoes and to be in good physical condition.
I’m assuming that the shoes part comes into play when they all discover that the world did not come to an end on the 21st and a bunch of crazed pissed off Belgians storm that astronomer’s place with torches, tar and feathers in search of all those loony tunes up there and they all need to run like hell to escape with some really good pairs of shoes. I personally would have told them all to stock up on a good pair of “Nikes” or “Reeboks.”
HEY! If you’re gonna outrun a bunch of pissed off Belgians carrying torches who want to tar and feather your butt ya really need a good pair of running sneakers. How do ya think Dr. Frankenstein made a quick get a way when the town peasants came knocking on his castle door.
So everybody. Just relax. The government “promised” us the world will not end.
Like I said. If the government “promised” the world will not come to an end, then it won’t come to an end.
However. If they don’t solve this “fiscal cliff” problem very soon and we all fall off of it, then those no good dirty rotten government people were lyin’ to us. Anybody with a half a brain knows that ya can’t fall off a cliff, fiscal or an actual one, and survive.
So my advice would be to simply avoid travelling to any town named, “Fiscal” that has a lot of high cliffs without guard rails.
But, if you’re not at all worried about that Mayan prediction and trust the government’s promise, you might want to buy some stock in “Nike” and “Reebok” right away. That way if the world doesn’t end on December 21st you’ll make a killing from all those people buying sneakers in Belgium.
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