As a writer, I always like to recognize other writers who write articles or news columns that catch my eye and make me say to myself, “Cripes, why didn’t I think of that!” Most likely because at my age a lot of other stuff prevents me from thinking about really good stuff to write about. It’s called, “CRS.” Can’t remember s**t.
Actually that’s not really true. I do tend to find some really good stuff to write about, but it’s those “one liners” that I miss sometimes. Like the two that “New London Day,” (Connecticut) reporter David Collins used in an article in “The Day” on Thursday the 22nd. Which, as we all know, unless you were totally zoned out, was Thanksgiving.
Collins wrote in his article that, “Here we are at another Thanksgiving, with so much to be thankful for. And went on to list some of the things we can be thankful for.
In that column were two great lines that should fall into the category of “classic” lines. The best one of all was in reference to the affair between General David Petraeus and Paula Broadwell. It went like this:
“I can only assume that if the head of the Central Intelligence Agency can’t pull off a secret affair, not many other people can either.”
Not only is this a classic line….but it’s verrrrry scary when ya think about it. Because he’s absolutely correct. Mankind is doomed when it comes to having a secret affair. Maybe even womankind. Like Collins says, if the head of the CIA can’t even have an affair that’s secret, what freakin’ chance do the rest of us have?
As secrets go, excluding “Victoria’s Secret,” the CIA is supposed to be the one place where secrets are kept. Its’ the mother lode of secretdom. Where do ya think the name of the TV show, “I’ve Got A Secret” came from. Now it’s all over. Everybody will know everybody else’s secrets. Doris Day’s recording of, “Secret Love” means nothing now. Not that we all didn’t know about that already. She sang about it for cripes sake.
Well, um, at least she didn’t write a book about it. Or that her secret love was a General in the CIA. Hmmmm….maybe it was and we just didn’t hear about it. Damn you Paula Broadwell. Where the hell were ya then?
We should have seen all this coming. The signs were all there many years ago with various recording artists singing about secret lovers. Billy Paul had an affair and blabbed it all over the airwaves with, “Me and Mrs. Jones.” Oh sure. Have an affair with some married woman and not only sing about it but name her in a song. How dumb is THAT!
Then Mary MacGregor, not to be undone, sang about her secret affair with some guy in, “Torn Between Two Lovers.” WTF! Petraeus was doomed from the beginning. Most likely because he never saw any of the warning signs. Which were women singing about secret lovers and Billy Paul spilling the beans about Mrs. Jones.
Sure, Paula Broadwell wrote a book about the General and never came right out and said she had an affair with him in the book, or sang a song about him, but she may have just as well done that after sending threatening e-mails to another woman, who was also married, claiming that she better keep her mitts, (not Mitt Romney) off of Petraeus or else.
Or she could have wrote a song and sang about it. Something like, “Once I Had A CIA Love.” Or perhaps a remake of MacGregor’s song altered a bit. “Torn Between A General and Spiking My Book’s Sales.” Kind of a catchy title don’t ya think.
So now, with all of these affairs coming to light, normal every slugs like you and I could never have an affair and expect to get away with it. Again….like Collins said in his article, if the CIA can’t even keep an affair quiet, what freakin’ chance do we have!
Damn Secret Service can’t even keep anything a secret. (Columbia hookers)
Before ya know it affairs will be exposed by Homeland Security, the FBI, HUD, BPOE, PTA, Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. (I suspected Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac were having an affair a long time ago anyhow). Affairs are doomed I tell ya doomed!
The only affairs we’ll be able to have are those affairs that are put on by various people where they have caterers come in and serve you food. All food and no sex. Damn!
But I am a bit suspicious of those waitresses and waiters at those catered affairs. I mean, what the hell do they do between catering at those affairs anyhow. Betcha they’re all having affairs of their own in the back room while everyone’s eating. HEY! How many times is it always the maid or the butler that’s having an affair with somebody. Geez!
Did you forget about “The Nanny” with Fran Drescher always sucking up to that guy who hired her to watch his kids. Sure, he wasn’t married, but suppose he was. See what I mean.
In conclusion, I suggest anyone, male or female who is either in an affair, planning to have an affair, write about an affair, or is catering an affair…..we’re watchin’ you. Or….at least someone who’s looking to write the next best-selling book is.
And….one final note about David Collins’ article. The other classic line. Which has nothing to do with affairs……but ya gotta love it. “Everyone in Connecticut can be thankful today, (Thanksgiving) we don’t have a new senator in Washington with a boat named Sexy Bitch.”
Of course referring to Linda McMahon who lost her bid for the Senate in the last election.
Which she could have won if she had only fessed up to owning a boat named “Sexy Bitch,” tied it into her campaign instead of projecting the “grandmotherly” image she attempted to portray in her campaign ads, and appeared on TV as a “sexy bitch.”
Not being able to pull off any affairs any longer thanks to the General, the CIA and Paula Broadwell, I betcha most guys would have voted for a “sexy bitch” candidate if she had been portrayed as such on a lot of her campaign ads and those lawn signs.
“Linda McMahon For Senate: A sexy bitch you could think about having an affair with.”
You know how shallow us men are.
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