We’re All Screwed. Or Not. Depending On Your Sex Life.

I’m usually not one to panic very easily. In fact, the last time I can remember being in a state of panic was when I ran out of chocolate candy bars and needed a fix immediately.

OR…”Life is a struggle between good, evil, chocolate and sex.”

But, now I’m really in a state of panic after reading an excellent article in the November issue of “Playboy Magazine,” which of course I only read for the articles. Doesn’t every guy?

The article, entitled, “Screwed,” was written by Nancy L. Cohen and it was about what sexual freedoms we will possibly lose if a majority of Republicans and Mitt Romney take over after this coming election.

Yes, as a blogger it’s my duty to pass on to you stuff I know nothing about.

BUT….like most Senators and Congressmen, when it comes to stuff, like “sex” and what’s good for all of us, they do know more than I do…..from on hand experience.

Now, I completely understand that not all Americans would panic over losing some of their sexual freedoms. Mostly those who are not concerned about sex at all, like women who have been married to the same guy for 15 years or more, women who are married to men who are plumbers, (butt crack syndrome) men who are married to women who are plumbers, (butt crack syndrome only more picturesque) off the wall religious zealots who think that sex is dirty and will do anything to stop the rest of you from enjoying sex but do all kinds of strange things themselves, and finally, senators and congressmen, who, for the most part, don’t worry about sex laws being changed because laws do not affect them, as we know so well.

Ok….Ok…..any women seeing this……try to control your sudden sexual desires.

So what could happen to sexual freedoms and why is Nancy saying that we’d all be screwed, (not literally in the physical sense) if Republicans have their way.

Well, here’s a few things she pointed out. (quotation marks to indicate lines from her article)

“From the Gulf Coast to the Great Lakes and the Great Plains, heartland Republicans pushed nearly a thousand laws to restrict access to contraception and abortion. The Texas GOP officially declared that pornography was rending the “fabric of society.” Republicans revealed that sexual freedom itself was on their chopping block.”

(geez…hope they’re not talking about circumcision’s when they said “chopping block”)

Now I myself have had sexual freedom for years. Not that I’ve had to use my “sexual freedom” ID card to have sex mind you. But if I did have to use, or have one, I’d be entitled to at least a free coffee and donut for life what with all of the validation punch holes I’d have on my ID card.  But, I’m not quite sure if I’m ready to give up some of those freedoms. If only because if they ever do institute free coffee and donuts for having sex a number of times and getting your card punched, I wouldn’t want to lose out on that. A few more punch holes and I get a dozen donuts of my choice.

So what other freedoms could we lose? Well, Nancy writes that, “when Mitt Romney entered high school in 1961, birth control was illegal in some states, abortion was illegal except in rare cases, and so was oral sex, (oral sex does not mean talking to someone about sex) and women had to lie to get the pill.”

Which works in many instances…….

We all could go back to those wonderful times.

“Um hi Mr. Pharmacist. Um, er….could you fill this prescription for birth control pills for me?”

“WHAT! Are you nucking futs. Birth control pills! For gawd’s sake. Why in the hell do ya want a birth control pill?”

“Um, so I can have sex and not get pregnant.”

“Well, the law states I can’t give you any birth control pills young lady. And that’s the law. So I suggest you abstain from having sex, or, perhaps, buy this here vibrator now on sale for only $15.95. And because you are a valued customer of this drug store, we’ll even throw in the batteries and Senator Scott Brown’s Cosmo nude photo layout….jussst to get ya in the mood.”

YES…abstinence! The perfect birth control method. Tell em Sarah. Tell em Bristol. Um…..on second thought….Bristol…shut up!

 “The average American woman will have sex at least 1,880 times during her fertile years.”

Hmmmm….We gotta find this woman and stop her right now! Um, oh….sorry, they were talking about women in general.

“Arizona introduced a bill that included a show-me-your-birth-control-papers-please provision which would have allowed your girlfriend’s boss to fire her for having sex outside of marriage”

How any boss would know that is beyond me. Unless, the boss in question was scoring with some single babe in his office, felt guilty later on, and then fired her. Which ultimately would mean that if the boss in question was a womanizer, and there were a lot of single women in his employ, eventually the office would be left with only male employees. My guess.

“Romney, and his running mate Paul Ryan say they will eliminate funding for Planned Parenthood. And allow anyone working in a pharmacy the right to claim that birth control violates their conscience, allowing the worker to refuse to fill a prescription or even ring up a condom sale at the checkout line.”

Screw it…….I’m going to CVS

I can see it now.

(Outside of a Wal-Mart store)

“Psssst…..hey buddy…..yeah, over here.”

“Um, what?’

“Ya want a really good deal on condoms? I got fifty different styles and colors right here inside of my overcoat. Even throw in some KY Jelly to, as we say here in the condom business, to sweeten the deal.”


Which could really seriously cut into the business of those Salvation Army bell ringers at Christmas time who collect donations. I mean, given the opportunity to donate to the SA or get a really great deal on condoms that you won’t be able to buy in a store, which one would you choose? Unless the Salvation Army starts selling condoms for donations too. Merry Christmas.

“Ryan, a heartbeat away from the Oval Office, believe that doctors that perform abortions to save a woman’s life should be prosecuted. His message to a woman, say a rape victim, who has an abortion, “If it’s illegal, it’s illegal.”

Basically, from what I can get out of this, is that it’s illegal. I think. If Romney and Ryan have their way.

“A Utah lawmaker defended censorship because saying the word “condom” to students was like encouraging them to “mainline” heroin.”

Hmmmm……I personally have never ever heard anyone “mainline” heroin using a condom. How do ya do that anyhow? And why would you want to? Condoms are verrrry expensive. I would think if you were going to mainline heron, using a rubber glove would be a lot cheaper. Besides, I don’t think Republicans connect rubber gloves with condoms, so you’re pretty safe there. Unless, some Republicans think that rubber gloves can be used as brassieres for cows and restrict sales of them too. Ya never know.

Finally, thank Gawd, Romney has been quoted as saying, “I want to make sure that every new computer sold in this country after I’m president has installed on it a filter to block all pornography.” Which means that pornography may be harder to access on all computers made after he’s president. (better check your new Windows 8 computer after the election if he gets elected)

(NOTE) Yes, blocking porno so children can’t have access to it is fine. But that so-called “filter” should not be a requirement for all computer manufactures. Maybe I want to have access to pornography. Maybe not. But it should be a choice one has the option of making at the time of purchase.

Nancy concludes her article by saying, “Welcome to the future of your sex. Welcome back to 1950.”

So, in conclusion. I’ll state that whatever Romney and Ryan do with regard to sexual restrictions, it doesn’t affect me personally. Maybe a lot of you, but not me. But those of you that it does affect should be concerned.

One, there ain’t no way I’m ever going to be confronted with the abortion issue. Unless one of my cats gets knocked up. Two, I’ll either buy my condoms from that guy outside of a Wal-Mart, or improvise and use baggies. Not as good, but at least they serve two purposes…..wrapping up sandwiches and having protected sex. Not necessarily in that order.

(Note to the Glad and Hefty companies. I think I just came up with a great new product line use for your baggies)

As far as birth control pills go, I’m waaaaaay beyond that folks. If my other half became pregnant, a star would have to rise in the East and I’d make a million dollars. And finally, as far as access to porno goes, I’m sure I could  get some really good stuff from a few senators and congressmen.

Can anybody say Anthony Wiener, Eliot Spitzer or Larry Craig? Just to name a few.

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About misfit120

Former disc jockey, (Dick Jones) 30 years, and author of, "I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way" available at Amazon.com books, & Kindle, "The Covert Chamber" a mystery novel available at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble, and "Forgotten" the story of two WWI pilots who were forgotten for over 70 years available on Amazon.com and Kindle
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