Late Night TV Movies Can Drive Ya Nuts!

SciFi channel presents, “Earth Invasion By Mutant Vegetables.”

Ok, here’s the scenario. Which I’m sure most of you have encountered at one time or another.

Television programs late late at night for the most part suck. I’m talking about the early morning hours say like between 2 am and on. I personally think most television programs suck most of the time, not only during late night hours. But, that’s my opinion. But, at least there’s SOMETHING on late at night. Unlike this image below which I’m sure a lot of you older folk remember appeared on your television screens after midnight.

My favorite program as a child. Which is how I learned the art of hypnosis.

I think some TV sets in Tennessee, West Virginia and Kentucky still have that too. My guess anyhow.

Anyhow, where am I going with this?  I’m going tell you how late late night TV movies can drive ya nuts. So here’s the scenario.

You come home after a night out or you can’t sleep and decide to go out into the living room, turn on the tube, and surf for a really good movie.  AMC, the movie channel runs them continuously as does TMC. Of course there’s the pay for view channels, which you can usually find something to entertain you. But, if you don’t subscribe to any of those, you’re relegated to either the over the air channels, or popping in a DVD into your player and watching “Clear and Present Danger” or the “Terminator” for the gazillionth time.

Or think that by watching, “No Country For Old Men” for the 12th time you’ll finally get the plot. Or ending.

Maria, I’m baaaaaack. Um, can ya call an optometrist for me……”

I opt, not having pay per view, to just surf for a good movie. Yes, I have movies on demand, but I don’t wanna waste watching a good movie if I’m just killing time long enough to fall asleep.

Soooo. I begin my surfing and lo and behold, I find what appears to be an interesting movie. I mean how bad can this movie be. It stars Ron Perlman and Rae Dawn Chong and it’s about cave men and women.

Am I the only one who thinks Ron Perlman didn’t need any “cave man” makeup for this movie?

And Rae Dong Chong, with makeup still looks hot.

Not knowing much about cave men, and women, I decide to watch it. Now my theory, since watching this movie, is that if I don’t get hooked within the first fifteen minutes, it gets the deep six. Or, if it takes too long to get into the plot, I’m outta there.

A prime example of this is the opening scene to “Pale Rider” starring Clint Eastwood where the first fifteen minutes are composed of old West scenes and the sound of a horse clip clopping as the camera shows you trees, grass, tumbleweeds, and an occasional bug walking across the landscape. Well, it seems like fifteen minutes to me. And I could have sworn I saw an actual bug. Might have been a gnat on my TV screen.

I did eventually watch the entire movie, but only when I was able to get it on Netflix and by-pass all that clip clopping stuff.

My point here is that I swore to myself I’d never get hooked watching a stupid movie late at night if the plot didn’t come right out and smack me in the face or if it had any clip clopping in it. Such was the case watching the movie with Perlman and Chong, “The Quest For Fire.”

Which I originally thought was a movie about people attempting to light their charcoal grills on a windy day.

Um….grunt….sorry, I couldn’t wait for you guys to discover fire….chomp….

As it turns out, the movie was about cave men and women discovering fire. Somehow, Perlman is in charge of making sure the one and only fire the cave people have does not go out. Only because nobody had matches or Zippo lighters in those days so it was kinda imperative that someone keep the fire going. But, Perlman screwed up and let the fire go out. So they banished him from the cave condos, which began his “quest for fire.”

Now this is all well and good. It caught my attention for the first 15 minutes and then I began to realize that, being cavemen and women, there was no dialogue in this movie. Just grunting and moaning.  Moaning during the one really hot sex scene. Which got me to wondering how cave men and women could actually have sex if no one had invented soap and showers and some sort of air freshener back in those days. Hygiene thing.

Unless, they all held their noses while having sex downwind and there wasn’t any foreplay.

Early version of cave man foreplay.

So, I got hooked into watching this movie, and on several occasions wanted to just say, “screw this” and shut the damn TV off. I mean, how much better could this movie get. What with grunting, moaning, clubbing, sneering, eating raw animals and seeing Rae Dong Chong half-naked.  Which was kind of a turn on, but then I kept thinking about the hygiene thing.

After painstakingly watching this entire movie, and feeling quite stupid that I wasted my time watching it, I swore I’d never let that happen ever again. Nope. No more getting sucked into thinking that if I hang in long enough a movie is gonna get better. Nine out of 10 times it doesn’t.

So I’ve gone back to my basic theory. If a movie doesn’t snag me in the first fifteen minutes, I’m outta there. Unless it’s a porno flick, which doesn’t get any better either, has a lot of moaning and groaning, absolutely no plot, but at least is stimulating enough to keep my interest……sometimes. And there’s no hygiene issues. I think.

But, all that said, if I ever have one of those sleepless in Seattle nights again, I’ll simply slip in “Pale Rider” or “Quest For Fire” into my DVD and I’m out like a light in 10 minutes.

If that fails to work.

There’s always re runs of the presidential debates.

Um…..on second thought………….(reaching for “Quest For Fire” DVD)

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About misfit120

Former disc jockey, (Dick Jones) 30 years, and author of, "I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way" available at Amazon.com books, & Kindle, "The Covert Chamber" a mystery novel available at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble, and "Forgotten" the story of two WWI pilots who were forgotten for over 70 years available on Amazon.com and Kindle
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