By now you’ve all read the story of a guy who ate a bunch of bugs and then died. It hasn’t been determined as of yet as to if the actual eating of those bugs is what did him is. But, regardless of the final determination, my question is: Why would anybody in their right mind eat a freakin’ bug? With the exception of chocolate covered ants which are quite tasty.
Yes, I know that 32-year-old Edward Archbold entered a contest which was held at a “Ben Siegel Reptile” store in Florida which the winner of would receive a very expensive snake. A damn snake! Like I’m gonna eat a bunch or roaches and worms to get a snake for cripes sake! And on top of that risk the chance I’m gonna die. Oh yeah, sounds like my perfect afternoon meal to me.
“So, what do I hafta do to win this contest?”
“Oh, simple, just dig into that pile of roaches over there and then when you’re done woof down a few worms. If you’re still a bit famished after eating those roaches and worms, we have some really tasty caterpillars as a side dish.”
“Um, I’m kinda allergic to caterpillar fur, do ya think you could give em a haircut first?”
“Yeah, oh sure, no problem..”
“And how about some “Gatorade” to wash them down with.”
“Oops, sorry no “Gatorade,” but not to worry. If you have any problems swallowing them you really don’t have to worry. With all those tiny little caterpillar feet those suckers will eventually find their way down your throat to your stomach.”
Now this guy had consumed dozens or roaches and worms before he told contest officials that he wasn’t feeling too well. Then shortly barfed thereafter. Which I’m sure freaked out all of the other participants as well as any remaining roaches and worms who were worried about being eaten next.
The roach-eating contest was part of the reptile store’s October 5th “Midnight Madness” sale. (and all this time I thought “Midnight Madness” sales were held at car dealerships and linen stores) Which could still be a possibility considering some people find an occasional roach or two in a car or while folding linen. Ya never know.
Contestants had four minutes to devour the most discoid roaches which can grow up to three inches long. Obviously the store recruited roaches that were on steroids or who had played professional baseball. I’m not quite sure what the word, “discoid” means however. Hold on a sec.
(checking MisfitWisdom’s dictionary of words no one ever uses except for nerdy brainiacs who try to impress people with unheard of words just to make you look up the meanings)
Discoid:discoid /dis·coid/ (dis´koid)
3. a disk-shaped dental excavator designed to remove the carious dentin of a decayed tooth.
Hmmmmm. Roaches are “discoid?” Disk shaped? Kinda like a dental instrument? WTF!
I thought all roaches were kinda longish and sleek and really disgusting looking with antennas and beady eyes. Think I’d rather eat a freakin’ disc shaped frisbee.
This contest was also promoted as, “Eat Bugs For Balls Contest,” Which either means that instead of winning that snake you win some balls, or if you actually eat those roaches and worms you have a pair of balls. Which, in either case, you still might die from eating them, but people will say, “Boy, did he have a lot of balls for eating those roaches and worms.”
(think I’m getting a bit queasy here)
Actually the “ball” reference comes from the snake, a Python, that they were giving away which are known to curl up into a ball as a defensive reaction. Most likely when Pythons see someone barfing from eating roaches and worms. Similar to what I’d do…..as I’m exiting the store searching for the nearest trash can.
Meanwhile because Mr. Archbold is no longer with us, the snake is being held as a material witness. My guess anyhow. Although the store said that the snake was being detained in Archbold’s name and is the “full property” of his estate. Meaning that when his last will and testament is read, someone will inherit the snake. Oh joy!
Which isn’t all that bad considering that who ever inherits the snake can make it earn its living by catching roaches and worms that may be a nuisance to them. Unless they’re also into eating roaches and snakes, like Archbold, and simply want a memento of his valiant attempt to convince them that roaches and worms are really tasty.
Which might have been the case if he had not attempted to eat so many in such a short time. Similar to what happens at hot dog eating contests.
My final conclusion. Waste not, want not. Or, haste makes waste.
Or in Archbold’s case…….death.
Scuse me while I go gargle.
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