At The Vatican,The Butler Did It! Where’s Detective Columbo When Ya Need Him?

Alas, detective Columbo, (Peter Falk) has gone on to solve other major crimes, or sins, up in Heaven. BUT…if he were still with us here on earth, he most likely would have been called in to participate in the latest crime solving case to rock the Vatican.

“I coulda told em the butler did it……”

YES! The Vatican! Crime is running rampant at the Vatican. Well, not really serious low life type crimes that is. More like, one of those, “the butler did it” crimes except there’s no bodies lying around that the butler could be responsible for. As far as we know.

The butler in question is Paolo Gabriele, (no relation to Gabrielle Anwar of “Burn Notice”) who has been charged with stealing and leaking the pontiff’s personal papers. The butler Paolo and not Anwar.

Most likely stealing his daily copies of the “New York Times,” USA Today” and the “Washington Post.” You know how upsetting it is when someone steals your daily paper. I myself get all bent outta shape when my other half gets to my morning paper first and reads it.

Um, wait….no that’s not what happened. Geez….I’m reading these things too fast. Oh….I see, it wasn’t the Pope’s newspapers that the butler is charged with stealing and leaking on, oops, I meant, just plain leaking, like in telling people what’s in those papers, rather than actually leaking on them. As in putting papers down on the floor for a cat or dog to do their thing on. Sorry.

Paolo on judgement day

Now I can’t imagine why the Vatican is so bent outta shape over all this leaking stuff. It’s not like it actually was virtual leaking, like if the butler, or the Pope himself had an incontinence problem or something. So what if the butler leaked some information. I mean, the Pope has got to be the most honest guy on the face of the earth. So what could the butler know that would be so damaging?

And it’s not like the butler had any really important inside information, considering his duties were to simply help the Pope get dressed and serve him his meals. Other than maybe the Pope had some Hawaiian shirts he liked to wear on off Pope duty times or that he scarfed down a “Hostess Devil Dog” or two, which as we all know is considered a sin at the Vatican. “Heaven Dogs” maybe, if they made them, but no “Devil Dogs.”

Apparently the butler is being charged with leaking those papers in a self-styled attempt to clean up what he saw as evil and corruption in the headquarters of the Roman Catholic Church. Including power struggles at the church’s highest levels. Like the Pope having secret power struggle hand wrestling games with some Cardinals and the Cardinals throwing the game to gain favor with the Pope. Big scandal.

Not so good for the butler is that he actually confessed to revealing secrets and faces up to four years in jail if convicted.

“I cannotta tella a liea…..I blabber my moutha and revealeda the secrets of da Popa.”

“But Paolo, why would you reveal the secrets of the Pope. You’re his butler. What on earth did you hope to gain by saying all of that stuff.”

“Um, a bigga booka deal, a spot on TV with “Regis and Kathy Lee, and perhapsa a movie called, “Da Paolo Code.”

“Paolo! You’re gonna go to jail for one, no one cares if the Pope wears a Hawaiian shirt on his off time, Regis is retired, Cathy Lee is no longer on the show, and Kelly Ripa, even though she’s Italian, is way too busy. Besides, she has butlers of her own to interview with a lot more juicy stuff. Like Mitt Romney’s butler for one.”

“So youa sayin’ basically I’ma screwed.”


The motive for Paolo’s actions was that he believed that a shock, “could be a healthy thing to bring the Catholic church to bring it back on the right track.” He went on to say that he wanted to help root out the corruption, “because the Pope was not sufficiently informed.”

Which is quite understandable if Paolo was stealing the Pope’s newspapers. How can any Pope be totally informed if he doesn’t get to read his daily newspapers. And it’s all the butler’s fault because if the Pope had actually got to read his daily newspapers, he’d obviously be informed, “sufficiently,” and none of this would have happened.

Ok…Ok….I get it. You missed reading “Doonesbury,” “Garfield,” and “Dagwood.” No bigga deal. I’ll run right out and get da butler to hand over the comics section.

So it remains to be seen how all of this will turn out. Presently Paolo has been transferred to Washington by the Vatican’s number two man, Secretary of State Cardinal Tarciso Bertone. (Pope is number one I guess) Why he was moved to Washington was not mentioned in the story. Although, considering there are many more newspapers in the D.C. area to read, and not have to steal, that may be a possibility.

When the trial takes place in the near future, Paolo will go on trial alongside Claudio Sciarpelletti, a Vatican computer expert who is charged with aiding and abetting a crime. Possibly reading the Pope’s newspapers after Paolo read them.

The trial will not be televised but will be covered by a pool of reporters, or reporters sitting by a pool, I’m not quite sure. Television cameras and recording devices will not be allowed either. But the Vatican will release a short, silent video clip of the opening of each session of the trial.

Similar to Mel Brook’s “Silent Movie” but with less action.

“Hey Paolo…..Silence Is Golden!” Not to mention the money Mel Brooks made off of this movie by being silent.

So the bottom line here is that if any of you have butlers, make sure you get your daily newspaper first before the butler does so that he can’t claim you know nothing and then blabs it all over the place because he read the paper first.

Then again, if you’re not the Pope, and no one really gives a rats ass about what you know or don’t know, who cares.

Unless you’re a politician or Mitt Romney.

Or a waiter at a political gathering with a secret camera.

Or Mitt Romney’s dog.

Misfitta……Misfitta…..geeza, whadda ama I gonna doa with youse. Da Popa gonna be verrrry upsetta wid you writin’ dis stuff.

(DONATE) The completely honest and on the straight and level MisfitWisdom PayPal donate link is posted below. If it is not highlighted, (blue) my other half may have cut out that part without my knowledge. (I’m too poor to have a butler)  Cause she gets the paper with the link in it first. In that case, rather than charging her with a crime, simply copy and paste the link into your browser to get to the PayPal site. I could charge her with a crime, but I kinda like having her around. Besides, there’s never anything worth any importance in my paper anyhow. Maybe just the crossword puzzle.

Donations since January 2009 AD……….( 1 )

Copyright 2012 MisfitWisdom RLV


About misfit120

Former disc jockey, (Dick Jones) 30 years, and author of, "I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way" available at books, & Kindle, "The Covert Chamber" a mystery novel available at and Barnes & Noble, and "Forgotten" the story of two WWI pilots who were forgotten for over 70 years available on and Kindle
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1 Response to At The Vatican,The Butler Did It! Where’s Detective Columbo When Ya Need Him?

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