Ah yes……the ol “GFY” line. Some of you may not know what “GFY” means so I’ll attempt to spell it out for you, delicately, that is. GFY means having sex with one’s self without the presence of another person. Which is what Congress basically is telling all of us to do when we ask them, “WHAT! You did nothing while congress was in session and now you’re taking a freakin’ vacation!”
So we decided to ask one of our most prominent Senators, Senator Thaddeus Suckemupster, why this Congress is so disliked and why they didn’t do anything except decide that they weren’t going to do anything.
“Senator Suckemupster, this Congress, according to various polls, is one of the most unproductive Congresses and one of the most disliked Congresses in recorded history. Don’t you feel ashamed going on a vacation after you just came back from a vacation from the last vacation that you took before the previous vacation that you took?”
“Well son, ah look at it this way. How are we supposed to know what our con-stint-u-ants back home care about if we don’t take vacations in order to go back home and see WTF it is they want us to do and what their concerns are?”
“Well, I completely understand that Senator, but what constituents do you have in the Galapagos Islands?”
“Why Galapagonians of course. A lot of them folks at some point will migrate to the United States and become citizens and I need every one of their votes. Damn, you know them people down there love turtles and, being a turtle lover myself, I’ve already introduced legislation to make any Galapagonian, including turtles who comes to the U.S., a citizen.”
“But Senator, what has this got to do with all of the important legislation that wasn’t acted upon during the last session of Congress. Like saving the Postal Service from insolvency?”
“WHAT! The Postal Service is insolvent? Ah can’t believe that for one second son. Go to any WalMart and there are all kinds of solvents on the shelves that the Postal Service can buy. Ah got 10 cans of solvent in mah own garage myself.”
“Ok, then what about the legislation to boost access to public lands for hunting and fishing that wasn’t acted upon?”
“Boost public access to hunting and fishing areas? People need a boost to get to public lands for hunting and fishing? Damn, if they’re that short that they can’t climb up into a public and fishing area they shouldn’t be there in the first place. Tell em to buy a pair of elevator shoes for cripes sake!”
“Hmmmm, ok, then what about the most important piece of legislation that would enact a six-month spending measure that would fulfill the bare minimum of Congresses responsibilities by keeping the government running after the current budget year ends on September 30th?”
“Ah, that’s a very simple question son. First of all, we’re all on vacation, so what the hell does Congress need to keep the government running for anyhow? There’s no one there ya damn idiot. We shut off all the lights, put the cats out and locked the doors. No problem. We’ll just come back in a few weeks, or months, open up the doors again, feed the cats, and we’re back in business.”
“But suppose you don’t get reelected? You know how people are all pissed off at you guys.”
“Ah…pissed….shmissed. Look sonny, ahm goin’ back to my con-stint-u-ants and they all love me back home. That is if I have enough time to get back home after vacationing in the Galapagos Islands. Maybe I’ll just send them all a post card. Anyhow, as I said, they love me! Besides, who the hell are they gonna vote for other than me? It’s all of the other good for nothing useless state Senators and Representatives they dislike. Not the one in their own state….like me. Heh, heh.”
“Good point. But there’s one more important issue that was brought up by Senator Rand Paul who wanted a vote to suspend foreign aid to governments like Libya, Egypt and Pakistan in light of all the turmoil going on in those countries. He only got 10 votes on that measure. What about that?”
“OH! THAT! Was he talkin’ about suspending foreign aid to those countries…did ah hear that correctly?”
“Yes, due to the protests and stuff going on in those countries.”
“Well, if foreigners want to give aid to those countries ah see no problem with that. I’m all for foreign aid as long as we here in the U. S. don’t have to pay for it.”
“Um, I think you missed the point here Senator. By “foreign aid” they’re talking about the United States giving aid to “foreign countries.”
“HUH? We’re givin’ foreign aid to foreign countries? Well that’s impossible son, we’re Americans and not foreigners, so how can “we” give foreign aid to foreign countries if we’re not foreigners?”
This all goes to prove one thing folks.
If turtles on the Galapagos Islands could vote we’d all be screwed with the same Congressmen year after year.
The good news is, turtles from the Galapagos Islands can’t vote, yet, so this may be our opportunity to vote these useless Congressmen out of office.
The bad news is that 90% of these Congressmen will get back into office anyhow because there are way too many turtle lovers in the U. S. who don’t have a freakin’ clue as to what this present Congress didn’t do.
Which basically amounted to nothing.
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