You might say that I tend to get off on conspiracy theories and mysteries very easily what with all the secrecy about Mitt Romney’s taxes, Obama’s birth certificate, Donald Trump’s hair and what came first, the chicken or the egg.
But, that said, which I just did, yet another mystery surrounds the giant “Tootsie Roll” factory in Chicago. I might have completely missed this if it were not for the “Wall Street Journal” and reporter Ben Kesling’s article on what the hell is going on at the Tootsie Roll factory.
The Wall Street Journal staff apparently is into Tootsie Rolls big time. Otherwise why would the staple newspaper of Wall Street be concerned about what’s going on at the Tootsie Roll factory. Unless they all really got extremely bored with a bunch of traders on the floor of the New York stock exchange yelling their fool heads off and having climaxes when a stock hits the roof. Not a pretty sight.
Apparently, according to this article, there’s a lot of secrecy surrounding the Tootsie Roll plant in Chicago. Big “no trespassing” signs outside of the plant stating that there’s “no trespassing” …………my guess anyhow. Journalists are not allowed inside and there’s never any reports of quarterly meetings being held to discuss how many quarters were made in the past year selling Tootsie Roll products.
Which include, “Tootsie Rolls,” Charleston Chews,” Sugar Babies,” “Blow Pops,” “Dubble Bubble” and “Andes Mints.” As you can see in the highly classified intimidating factory photo below, it’s not even as friendly looking as “Willie Wonka’s” factory.
The 116 year-old company is owned by 90 year-old Melvin Gordon and his 80 year-old wife Ellen. Both with a perfect set of very expensive dentures made specifically to stay in their mouths while eating Tootsie Rolls. You other people with inexpensive dentures know what the hell I’m talking about. Pop a Tootsie Roll into your mouth and the next thing you know you’re whipping those suckers out because the top plate is stuck to the bottom plate and ya can’t open your mouth to breathe.
(no statistics were available as to just how many people have died from lack of oxygen from eating Tootsie Rolls, having their teeth stuck together, and unable to get air)
Which could also explain why no one else at the Tootsie Roll factory will meet with reporters.
The factory itself resembles “Area 51,” which is in Nevada and, as we all know, houses dead aliens and spaceships from other planets. Maybe even Tootsie Rolls. Who knows? Can’t get near either place.
My theory is that there is a confection, um, sorry, I mean a connection between the Roswell alien crash and the owners of the Tootsie Roll company due to the age of the owners, 90 and 80 respectively, and the fact that the flying saucer and aliens that crashed in Roswell, New Mexico occurred back in July 1947.
Here’s what I think happened. Melvin and Ellen, who would have been very young and dating each other back in 1947, may have been on a trip to New Mexico, stumbled upon the alien spacecraft which crashed, encountered a few of those alien guys, who, completely famished from their space trip to earth, were just sitting around dazed and confused after the crash and munching on space alien food, which, upon spotting two earthlings, (Melvin and Ellen) in a sign of friendship, and also to ask them if they had a spare set of jumper cables anywhere, offered them some of their food. Which, was…..you guessed it……what was to become the, “Tootsie Roll.”
Astounded by the friendliness of the aliens and the delicious taste of their food, the Gordon’s made a deal with them to market this product and call it, yes, you guessed right again, “Tootsie Rolls.” In return, the aliens would get free housing at the Tootsie Roll factory and a signed agreement from the Gordon’s to never reveal how many licks it takes to get to the center of a “Tootsie Pop,” which was another one of their inventions.
Which is why there is so much secrecy surrounding the Tootsie Roll Plant in Chicago. No reporters, no quarterly meetings, and no one’s the wiser. Brilliant!
I have no idea why the Wall Street Journal reporter couldn’t have figured this one out. It’s quite obvious, as I have spelled out for all of you, that Area 51 and the Tootsie Roll factory are connected. Remember, you heard it here first. Take that Drudge Report!
Tomorrow on MisfitWisdom. The tree housing code violations leveled against the Keebler Cookie elves and how this affects cookie manufacturing in the forest.
(DONATE) The strange and alien MisfitWisdom PayPal donate link is posted below. If it is not highlighted, (blue) do not panic. Just pop a “Blow Pop” into your mouth to calm you down, then copy and paste the link into your browser to get to the PayPal site. If you have any problems locating the donate site, “Sugar Babies” from “Charleston” and some girl named, “Tootsie” will be there to assist you.
Donations since January 1947….um..sorry, since 2009……( 1 )
Copyright 2012 MisfitWisdom RLV