Hey! I’m all for making a few bucks on eBay. With those nine states deciding the presidential election the other 41 states really don’t matter, along with the gazillion other people living there, who would just be wasting their time going to vote. Why not just post those useless states on eBay and hope we get some really good high bidding. Might not get much for Rhode Island and Delaware. Those two states are too small for any serious bidders to be interested in. Might be useful if you just want a place to park for the night while you go to vote in those other nine states.
The reason only nine states matter in the presidential election is because these are usually the states that have always decided elections. Traditionally if no candidate for the presidency wins these key states he does not win. Unless they have an in with the Supreme Court. Just sayin!
So what are those nine states that will decide the ultimate winner? I’ll tell ya. They are:
Nevada, most likely because of Las Vegas and Reno. Because, I think, a lot of people live there because they like to gamble and during the election the casinos may have election slot machines with pictures of both candidates on them and the more money you put into any candidates slot machine, the more votes they get. Very important state.
Next is Iowa. You wouldn’t think Iowa would matter what with all those corn fields, but, due to the baseball movie, “Field of Dreams,” a lot of people into sports and baseball have moved there just to see if they can catch a glimpse of Shoeless Joe Jackson. So, the more people, the more votes that matter. Works out well for the corn farmers too.
Ohio is very important and a very pivotal state. This is a must win state for any candidate. This is because Ohio has 18 electoral votes which is somewhat similar to rectoral votes but less painful. Not they have the most electoral votes, (they don’t) but because it’s simply Ohio and they’re very important because they say so. Don’t screw with those people.
Colorado is another important state. This is due to the fact that Colorado is the only place you can stand in four states at the same time. Colorado, Utah, New Mexico and Arizona. What they do in Colorado is invite all the people from those other three states for an election day cookout where they can vote in Colorado instead of going home to vote. Because it’s such a short trip for those residents in the other three states, and they have free bingo, they all go, stay a while, vote on election day, then drive back home.
Florida, as you all know, has had its problems during presidential elections. But it’s still one of the nine key states. This is due to the number of old people who retire to Florida which numbers in the gazillions. Which equals lots of votes for any candidate. Florida has 29 electoral votes making it very important. Most of which come from funeral parlors, considering Florida is where most old people go to retire and eventually die. Which is the main reason candidates try to get seniors there to vote early…..realllllll early.
New Hampshire. I think they just threw in this state because, besides Pennsylvania and Virginia, it’s the only other state on the East Coast and the only state worth campaigning in New England. I think it’s because, traditionally, the small town of Dixville Notch votes first, and because the two people who live there are the first to cast their votes for the presidency and is an indicator on how the rest of the country is going to vote, you might just as well say, “that’s it,” elections over.
Pennsylvania has 20 electoral votes and is of huge importance because it’s considered the “Keystone” state. Why? Because people hide the keys to their houses under stones, hence the term “keystone.” And because they do that, and burglars know that, candidates running for election always promise, if elected, to enforce the “key stealing under stone” law to the max if they’re elected. Both Obama and Romney have pledged to make the stealing of any key under a stone a crime punishable by being publicly humiliated and “yoked” in front of the Liberty Bell and the key to the yoke inserted somewhere in the perps lower extremity. They’re really tough on key thieves in Pennsylvania.
Finally, to round out the final two states of the nine there’s Virgina, (13 votes) and Wisconsin, (17 votes) Virginia is important because it was founded by a bunch of virgins in Jamestown back in 1607 and there are still a lot of them living there. Virgins usually like hot macho men, which is why most women will probably vote for him. It’s a shoo-in for Romney.
“Ohhhh Gawd….he’s sooooo handsome Martha!”
Meanwhile, I think Obama will take Wisconsin strictly based on the cheese factor. Wisconsin is noted for their milk and cheese, which is why people refer to the state as “Americas’ Dairyland” and the saying, “how now brown cow.” Being the president, and having photographers yell at him to “say cheese” when he’s having his picture taken, Wisconsinites can connect to the chief executive.
Unlike reporters who yelled out at Romney to comment about his gaffes and then having his press secretary yell out, “kiss my ass,” instead of him yelling out to Romney, “say cheese.”
So there ya have it. The nine most important states that will decide the election.
The rest of you people living in the other 41 states, don’t even bother going to the polls. Your vote doesn’t matter. You’re just taking up valuable space and time. These other 41 states need to close all voting places, save some bucks on machines and voting personnel, send those people who have electoral votes back to some college that doesn’t specialize in handing out electoral stuff and take up something useful like animal husbandry or something.
Considering that 6 of these nine important states are in the mid western part of the country, have a lot of wide open spaces and a lot of cheese, animals and dairy stuff, perhaps, eventually, by bringing in more animals and, maybe a few virgins of our own, the rest of those useless 41 states might yet make it to the top nine in time for the 2016 presidential election.
That is if I don’t sell some of these states off first to the highest bidder on eBay.
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