New Take On The Bible: Hollywood Style…..Kinda Like Watching GOD On His Own Reality Show

Tired of Eve’s constant nagging, Adam finally decides to give her an apple in an attempt to make her chill out. We all know what happened after that.

A  recent article from the Associated Press by Travis Loller entitled, “New Bible Translation Has Screenplay Format,” caught my eye because I’ve always been interested in Bible movies, like “The Ten Commandments,” and “Ben Affleck,” um….wait….no that’s not right, I meant “Ben Hur.” What I’m talking, or in this instance, writing about, is movies that tend to tell the story of the Bible for those of us who find it very hard to read the Bible because there are so many characters you have to follow throughout the story that you tend to get lost. Plus, they kind of speak in speakith typith words like, “hath” and “thou” and sometimes, “forsooth.”

I think the only time they may have used the word “forsooth” was when Moses, (Charlton Heston) saw that burning bush and thought he might get blamed for starting a forest fire.

“Harkith and forsooth. I seeith a burning bush. Lest I be blamed for starting such a fire I am hereby beattingith feet outta here.”

What transforming the Bible into a screenplay entails is adapting it so that it is in a format that is much clearer to understand. In an excerpt from the AP article you can understand this much better by the manner in which it would be presented in an actual screenplay: (AP excerpt below)

“Adam” (pointing at the woman): “It was she! The woman You gave me as a companion put the fruit in my hands, and I ate it.”

“God” (to the woman): “What have you done?”

“Eve:”  “It was the serpent! He tricked me, and I ate.”

Later, Eve bears her first son, Cain.

“Eve” (excited): ” Look, I have created a new human, a male child, with the help of the Eternal.”

Even people who have never read the Bible could probably guess that other translations don’t say Adam pointed his finger at Eve when he blamed her for his disobedience. Neither do other Bibles describe Eve as “excited” about her newborn son. (AP)

YES… exciting was THAT scene! Adam points an accusing finger at Eve telling God that she gave him that stinkin’ apple. And then Eve turns around and points the finger at the serpent, who as we all know, could not defend himself against those accusations because serpents can’t talk.  Unless Hollywood decides to add a little drama to the story and gives the serpent a voice.  Which would, in all fairness, give the serpent a chance to defend himself using the , “Hey, I didn’t force her to eat that apple ya know.”

Why, according to historians, God did not immediately know what was going on in the Garden of Eden. It was Saturday and that was laundry day.

The premise of all this is to put the writings of the Bible into modern American language and have it written as a screen play. The above passage, where Adam is pointing the finger at Eve and God is really ticked off at Adam for eating the forbidden fruit from the tree of knowledge is an example of how Hollywood might handle the dialogue between Adam, Eve, God and possibly the serpent if he’s given a voice. I’d cast Gilbert Gottfried as the serpent because I personally think if serpents could talk they’d sound like the Aflac duck.

Chris Seay, who is the pastor of the Houston Ecclesia Church, which I assume is in Houston, seays that….(play on words) making the Bible more like a screenplay will, “help readers understand the meaning behind the sometimes archaic language of the Bible.”

Mainly because back then they did not have the “spell check” ability on those stone tablets they used to write things on. Which is also the main reason Moses took so long to bring down those tablets from the mount. It’s not like you can erase a mistake on a stone tablet very easily ya know.

Having great insight into the future, Moses adds a 11th commandment.

So watch for a new presentation of the Bible coming to a theater to you soon. Thrilling scenes such as God pointing the finger at Adam. Adam pointing the finger at Eve. Eve pointing the finger at the serpent. And the serpent himself, flipping all of them off and hiring F. Lee Bailey to defend himself of those accusations.

HEY! Someone has to stand up for the right of serpents. Because….as Mitt Romney would say….serpents are people too.

(DONATE) The chiseled in stone tablet MisfitWisdom PayPal donate link is posted below. If it is not highlighted, (blue) it might be due to the lack of a burning bush to illuminate the link. Burning bushes are very hard to come by these days. In that case, simply copy and paste the link with a chisel into your browser and it will take you to the sacred mount, better known as “The Mount At PayPal,” where you can donate to the cause. Which, like “Aflac” is, “AFTDOS,” (Association For The Defense of Serpents)

Donations this month…..( 0 )

Copyright 2012 MisfitWisdom RLV


As an added feature, due to a contract agreement with the Dragon/Serpent Association of America, a video provided by the DSA showing cruel and unfair treatment to yet another dragon/serpent:

Finally retiring, Moses still had a great sense of humor when fishing with friends.

About misfit120

Former disc jockey, (Dick Jones) 30 years, and author of, "I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way" available at books, & Kindle, "The Covert Chamber" a mystery novel available at and Barnes & Noble, and "Forgotten" the story of two WWI pilots who were forgotten for over 70 years available on and Kindle
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