Finally something high-tech that I can relate to. A new high-tech toilet, and I don’t even need to download anything, except poop, to get it working.
Yes folks, those really smart brainiac engineer type guys have finally come up with something that makes sense. A toilet for the high-tech consumer who has everything else, but a high-tech toilet. It’s called the, “High Efficiency Toilet,” or “HET” for short. For those of you who really want to be efficient and high-tech at the same time you’re pooping. Might as well go for the whole high-tech ball of wax.
So why do we need a high-tech toilet? Because, as high-tech engineers who study toilets point out, Americans use vast quantities of water. On average, 350 gallons a day with toilets and bathrooms being the main source of water use.
I personally think if these engineers could come up with an all in one toilet/sink/shower combination we all might be able to consume less water. Depends how agile you can be while brushing your teeth, shaving, pooping and showering at the same time. Might be worth looking into.
So what are these new toilets like?
While your basic toilet contains a tank, the bowl, and the trapway that the water flushes through, these new toilets use “pressure assist” technologies where a pressurized air tank helps push water down the drain. (so far there have been no reported incidents of actual human beings sucked into one of these new toilets by the pressurized air)
However, one recent setback did occur when the “Consumer Product Safety Commission” announced a voluntary recall of the “Flushmate III Pressure-Assisted” flushing system after reports of tank lids shattering, along with 304 reports in Michigan of the toilets bursting, resulting in property damage and 14 impact or laceration injuries.
What the hell are these people in Michigan doing?
“Well Chief, we got to this here emergency call in minutes flat but we were unable to save this here toilet. However, the good news is that the guy sitting on the toilet only sustained minor injuries to his butt.”
“Um, what kinda injuries Herman?”
“Well, he now has this really neat impression on his butt that says, “Standard” on it, which is the maker of his toilet, and they’ve offered him a few bucks to go on the road to promote their products.”
The Japanese come first when it comes to toilets. Um, no, that’s not right. What I meant was that the Japanese come first when it comes to innovative ideas for toilets. Toto, (not Dorothy’s dog) a company in Japan holds the “Guinness Book of World Records” for creating the toilet with the most functions. A model with a heated seat that lifts automatically, has an air-freshening and deodorizing function, and auto cleansing.
I think upon successful pooping it also is programmed to yell out, “Banzai!”
Not to be undone by the Japanese, “Caroma,” a company based in Australia, has invented what is known as “dual-flush” technology. Of course my first thought was that this was new technology that would allow you to flush twice with one fell swoop thereby allowing those of us who really love that flushing sound to experience it more than once.
Actually, it’s a toilet with two buttons. One for bowel movements and one for urine. WHY? Beats the livin’, (excuse the pun) crap outta me.
According to the company the “heavy flush,” which I think means, “poop,” depending, I guess, if you’re a big eater or not, dispenses 1.28 gallons of water. The “low-flush”, which would obviously be “pee-pee” uses just 0.8 gallons making it one of the most water efficient flushes on the market. (gosh, I’m already getting excited I might have to take a break and go to the bathroom)
Incidentally, I did NOT do the research on this because I personally have somewhat of a normal life. However, the people at the “San Jose Mercury News,” which I assume is in San Jose, wrote and did the research on all of this, most likely while they were in a bathroom somewhere. Not much exciting news happens in San Jose…..I guess.
Finally, an interesting note. The “Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation” (not a women’s foundation underwear company or construction firm) says that world-wide, 2.6 million people don’t have a safe, affordable way to go to the bathroom, leading to widespread sanitation, hygiene and health issues. They have called for a bold strategy to, “reinvent” the toilet.
If you’re interested, in inventing a really new toilet, the foundation has $42 million dollars in grant money available of anyone who has ideas to spur innovations in the capture and storage of human waste, including waterless toilets that do not rely on sewer connections.
HARK! and FORSOOTH! My forsoothness havith an idea Bill and Melinda. Are ya ready for this one. It’s completely innovative and does NOT use water, or rely on any sewer connections. And, there’s NO flushing involved. How simple and energy-saving is that!
(Um, you may have gained some insight into my idea by the photos I’ve posted throughout this blog labeled “hint”)
YES Bill! Yes Melinda! It’s called………”THE OUTHOUSE!”
All ya need is a bunch of two by fours, some really smooth pine shelving for seats, a couple of templates to cut out round holes and a half-moon decal. Oh yeah…..and a fly swatter.
Um, do I get any of that grant money now?
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