Yes folks, this was the headline news story I came across today:
Coffins & Coffee: Starbucks to Open Inside Upstate Funeral Home
Obviously a coffee lovers ultimate dream.
“Dear, where ya goin?”
“I’m headed to Robinson’s Funeral Home honey for my morning coffee. The service is really great, no “dead” beat waitresses, and it’s really quiet and peaceful. Great place to get a cup of coffee, and read the newspaper obituaries with no interruptions.”
Yep….a new coffee innovation folks with a collaboration between the Robinson Funeral Home in Easley, South Carolina and Starbucks coffee.
Our motto: “Why wait to die for a really good cup of coffee….”
Chris Robinson who owns the Robinson Funeral Home says that he’s adding a new wing to accommodate Starbucks. Jusssst off to the side of any dearly departed who are kinda just lying around….dead.
Robinson says that coffee was always a part of the family business, as was funerals, citing the fact that his great-grandfather started the original funeral home in a general store on Main Street many years ago. Sounds logical to me. After all, a “general store” is kinda general in what it sells or offers, so why not offer funerals too.
“Howdy Festus, what can I do fer you today?”
“Well Mr. Robinson, I’m out workin’ the North forty this week so I need 6 bags of your best fertilizer, some cow feed, and some cow flap picker upper shovels.”
“Hmmmm. Festus, sounds like you got a lot of work to do out there. Aren’t you kinda old to be doin’ that kind of strenuous work?”
“Hell Mr. Robinson, (his wife was NOT “THE” Mrs. Robinson from the movie “The Graduate”) ahm 72 years old and goin’ strong….why do ya ask?”
“Well, we here at the Robinson General store and funeral parlor have a great deal on caskets this week. Buy ten more bags of that fertilizer stuff and I’ll throw in a 50% discount on our finest casket.”
So I would assume that’s how the present day Mr. Robinson got the idea to link up with Starbucks. Innovative ideas run in the family.
Robinson said that it’s just one more service for people to choose from. Besides, as he pointed out, “You walk in the front, and it’s off to the side (Starbucks). It’s not like it’s right up front.”
Good point. You don’t wanna have a Starbucks coffee shop right up front. Say like next to the dearly departed. That would only cause problems. Like people cutting down on their prayer time at the casket so that they can get to the coffee.
“Oh Elmer, he looks soooo peaceful lying there doesn’t he.”
“Yeah, yeah….ok….comon’ let’s get to the coffee before it gets stale Martha.”
Now this new Starbucks coffee shop is not just for those who are paying their respects to the departed. Nope. If you’re in the area and there’s not a Starbucks located nearby, you can zip into the funeral home and grab a quick cup. I don’t think they have a drive thru however. I could be mistaken.
“Holy cow Mr. Robinson, I never realized that Horace had so many friends. Look at all the people lining up to pay their respects!”
“Um…..no….that’s the line for Starbucks. That one guy over there near the casket is the only one who’s showed up so far….sorry. Wanna join me for a coffee before the line gets any longer?”
Unfortunately Starbucks will not be allowed to put up a sign outside of the funeral home advertising that they have a coffee shop inside. Bummer. And that’s because it’s not considered a full-sized Starbucks. Perhaps if they did add that drive thru they might be able to get some signs up.
Like: “Starbucks: The ultimate cup of coffee at a place where you can ponder your ultimate fate.”
OR: “Starbucks: Feeling poorly today. Enjoy a great cup of our coffee, and if you just happen to croak, you won’t have far to go.”
OR: “Starbucks: “We knock the competition dead.”
Frankly I see this new idea spreading across the country. Think about it. Why just have a bunch of potential customers for various products, not just coffee, sitting around with nothing to do but sit around. The sales options are endless. You have a captive audience…..except for the deceased of course.
Funeral homes, such as the Robinson’s, could expand to shopping malls, theme parks, casinos, your local McDonald’s and Burger King. The UPS and FedEx stores just in case you want to ship the deceased out somewhere. The possibilities are endless…..as in death.
My favorite would be at my local IRS office.
Those suckers drained me dry for years, so what better place to be laid out in than there.
(DONATE) The dearly still alive MisfitWisdom PayPal donate link is posted below. If it is not highlighted, (a light somber blue) simply copy and paste the link into your browser to go to PayPal. There is no Starbucks located at PayPal. Nor are there any funeral parlors. At least the last time I checked.
Copyright 2012 MisfitWisdom RLV