It’s not easy being a short person folks. Danger lurks out there every time I leave my house. The occasional encounter with a very tall dog in need of a fire hydrant. (which is why I never wear anything red or yellow) And, if I did, with my nose, and those colors, I’d be a prime target for ANY dog.
Then there’s grocery or department store with the things that I want and need that are always on the very top shelf. Which I can’t reach, so I wind up either calling a store employee, or settle for women’s things like deodorant, which is always on the bottom shelf, along with tampons, which I personally do not use, but because I can’t reach the type of facial tissue, which is on the top shelf, I settle for the tampons and just stick them up my nose when I have to sneeze. Works quite well actually.
BUT….this isn’t what got me to my “short people” rant today. It was the “Casual Male Retail Group’s” expansion announcement. Yes, more stores for big and tall men.
What about short and fat men? Or short and plump men? Or just normal short men like myself? Where the hell are those freakin’ stores?
Have you ever seen a store that says” “Clothing for short men or dwarfs?” NO!
Do you have any idea what it’s like to be short and try to buy something as simple as a pair of jeans?
All of my jeans since 1942 AD have had to be altered. So if I go out and buy a pair of jeans, say like for $12 bucks, which is my average cost considering I don’t give a rat’s ass about brand names, I must have them altered at a cost of about $12 to $15 dollars which in the end means I’ve spent anywhere from $24 to $30 dollars when all is said and done..
Can I ever find a pair of jeans that actually fit? NO! Is there a discrimination in place against short people? YES! You don’t hear that scruffy looking guy on those “Mens Warehouse” TV ads saying to short guys, “You’re gonna like the way you look.” BECAUSE, if I went into that store I wouldn’t like the way I look. Like a freakin’ floating ghostly image floating across the store with no feet visible.
David Levin the CEO of “Casual Males Store” says, “Our customers seek choices, value, convenience and a unique shopping experience.”
YES! YES! David ol buddy. AND…..clothes that fit short people ya dummy! God made short people and we need clothes too! Unless you’re short and a member of a nudist colony. Which may be the reason there are quite a few short nudists in nudist colonies. They got tired of trying to find clothes that fit them.
The “Casual Male” store sizes start at extra-large, (as in eggs that you buy in the store) to plus waist sizes from 40-inches up and shoe sizes ranging from 11 to 16. If I had a shoe size from 11 to 16 I’d be out in the Napa Valley somewhere stomping on grapes for some winery and wouldn’t need any freakin’ shoes. Besides, after stomping on grapes my feet would be purple therefore eliminating the need for shoes as it would appear that I’m already wearing shoes….or at least socks.
It’s time for short people to form a movement. Like, “The Occupy Clothing Stores” movement. (OCCS) Or, “The Occupy Casual Male Store” movement. (OCMS) Or, “The Occupy Large Men’s Clothes” movement. (OLMS) Yes…”OLMS.” Perfect!
All of us short people go to these extra, extra, extra-large men’s stores and put on a suit that’s way too big for us and stroll out into the street in front of the store to make our point. If we can actually make it out to the front of the store without tripping and falling flat on our faces that is.
Hmmmm. Which may not be a bad idea. Sue them SOB’s for an injury that occurred while attempting to try on clothes and walking. Surely any judge will rule in our favor. Unless he himself is a tall person. Then we’re basically screwed.
The only solutions I see to this problem are: A. Join a nudist colony. B. Resort to fig leaves. (short women, three fig leaves) C. Spray painting one’s body to appear that you are actually wearing clothing. D. Call former VP Dick Cheney and ask that you be tortured on one of those medieval stretch racks. (I’m sure he has one lying around) Or, E. Pass on all of these suggestions and live as I do.
Which is, again, avoiding tall dogs. Visiting a “Goodwill” or “Salvation Army” store and scoff up as many disco type platform shoes as you can afford. Purchasing one of those carnival distorted mirrors that appear to make you look tall….thereby giving you confidence to face the day. And driving the world’s smallest car, the “PEEL 550” which would make any short person look reallllly tall.
As far as buying clothes that fit short people.
You’ll simply have to wait it out until one of the Seven Dwarfs retires from Disney and opens up a small people’s clothing shop.
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Copyright 2012 MisfitWisdom RLV