I usually don’t get very excited when scientists make the news with a new discovery, with the exception being when they discovered “Viagra,” but this one really caught my attention. Here’s the first paragraph of a news release from the Associated Press that got me all excited:
GENEVA (AP) — Scientists at the world’s biggest atom smasher hailed the discovery of “the missing cornerstone of physics” Wednesday, cheering the apparent end of a decades-long quest for a new subatomic particle called the Higgs boson, or “God particle,” which could help explain why all matter has mass and crack open a new realm of subatomic science.
Do you have any idea what this means!! It’s totally earth shattering!!!
Um…if you have any idea what this means and you actually think that this is earth shattering, what the hell are you doing reading this low-level blog? Because I personally have no freakin’ idea what the hell a “Higgs Boson” or, as those bald-headed guys in white smocks like to call it, “The God Particle” actually is.
I read the article 5 times and I still don’t have a damn clue other than it’s a particle that is supposed to crack open the door to understanding why matter has mass, which combines with gravity to give all objects weight.
Or, as I interpret it, why some of us are overweight and defy the laws of gravity by being able to get outta our recliners after a night of snacking and watching TV.
Now these scientists, around 5,000 of them, which include researchers, who study this stuff at the “European Center for Nuclear Research,” (they call it CERN for short, although I have no idea how they get “CERN” out of their name. To me, NERD might have been a better choice) gave their fellow researchers and scientists a round of standing ovations at the announcement.
(never tell a funny joke at one of these gatherings unless the punch line involves a particle)
I personally, had I been at that gathering and heard the announcement, probably would have said………WHAT? OR….”Say, um, could you kinda explain what this means in English.” Which is one reason why I wasn’t invited.
Sooooo….what does this mean? Here’s their explanation:
“The center’s atom smasher, the $10 billion Large Hadron Collider, sends protons whizzing around a circular 27-kilometer (17-mile) underground tunnel at nearly the speed of light to create high-energy collisions. The aftermath of those impacts can offer clues about dark matter, antimatter and the creation of the universe, which many theorize occurred in a massive explosion known as the Big Bang.”
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, I see.
Um, no, I don’t.
Ok, so these guys are trying to unlock the mystery surrounding the creation of the Universe with a bunch of protons, (similar to croutons but unedible) along with antimatter, (stuff that really doesn’t matter, but they research it anyhow) which may unlock the secret to the “Big Bang” theory.
Those of you not familiar with the “Big Bang” theory obviously have not read “Catcher In The Rye” or the newly released book, “50 Shades of Grey.” Lots of big bang theory stuff going on there. Doesn’t take 5,000 scientists to figure THAT one out. Then again, maybe that’s why there was so much standing ovations at that meeting.
The other thing I got out of this article about smashing atoms and protons and whizzing stuff, was that it’s all done in a 17 mile long underground tunnel at the nearly the speed of light to create high energy collisions. WTF!
All they had to do to observe a high energy collision was set up an observation camera on the Long Island Expressway in New York and at some point an idiot is going to be travelling nearly at the speed of light and there ya have it…..your high energy collision. AND….if they wanted a tunnel, cripes, there are tunnels all over, or, as I should say, “under” New York.
I don’t get it.
WAIT!!! Here’s why we should all be excited! I completely missed this paragraph in the article:
“Wednesday’s celebration was mainly for researchers who explore the deepest, most esoteric levels of particle science. But the particle-hunting effort has paid off in other ways for non-scientists, including contributing to the development of the World Wide Web.”
YES! All this proton whizzing nuclear atom $10 million dollar “Large Hadron Collider” smashing stuff in a 17 mile long underground tunnel helped contribute to the development of the World Wide Web!
OMG!! NOW I GET IT!!
Thanks to those scientists and researchers I’m actually on the World Wide Web!!!
Oh….thank you….thank you……thank you nice scientist type guys.
Um….do ya think you could keep smashing those proton thingys a bit longer until you find a solution to my computer freezing up, spam mail, and those sneaky viruses that infect my computer?
I’m pretty sure it has something to do with infected particles getting into my desk top.
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