You all know by now that on Sunday’s, for the most part, I try to lay off the controversial news of the week. Unless of course it has to do with news that I can’t resist writing about like if Mitt Romney strapped another dog to the roof of his car. Or Bristol Palin said or did something stupid, like opening her mouth. Stuff like that.
But, I can tell life as I know it as a blogger is slowly coming to an end when my other half’s favorite activity on a Saturday morning is going to the town dump and I’m writing about it…..on a Sunday.
WHY? Because it’s beginning to freak me out…that’s why!
I’m serious here folks. Three days before it’s time to gather up all the stuff that one takes to the town dump, she’s already talking about making the trip. I’m talkin’ real excitement here!
I have no idea why all of a sudden this has become one of the most anticipated events in her life. She even has what she calls, “a dump wardrobe,” which is what she specifically sets aside to go to the dump. Yesterday’s ensemble consisted of a sports bra, striped pull over and pedal pusher type jeans with matching sandals. Obviously this would impress anyone we happen to meet at the dump.
I myself, tend to keep a very low profile at the dump lest I be seen with a woman who’s so excited at being there she asks other people if she can help them with their garbage bags.
And me….geez….. I feel so stupid not having my own dump outfit. What must those people who see me there every week think.
“Harry! Look at that guy over there hauling bags of trash over to the dumpster….look at him!”
“Huh….what! I don’t see nothin’ wrong with him Bertha.”
“HARRY! For Gawds sakes, look at the way he’s dressed. A pair of ratty old jeans, a t-shirt, sneakers and a freakin’ Boston Red Sox baseball cap!”
“Um…yeah so….I don’t see nuthin’ wrong wid da guy wearin’ that outfit.”
“HARRY! Look at his wife. All neatly decked out in fashionable clothes that match. Her nails are polished and hair done up really nice. Just look at the graceful way she hauls those garbage bags over to the dumpster and with one fell swoop launches it into the receptacle. That’s obviously a woman who knows how to dress for the dump.”
Now folks. I have no idea why this obsession with going to the dump has become a big thing with her. There were no signs that indicated that she might be coming addicted to going to the dump. NOTHING! Had I known this was going to happen I never would have cancelled my trash pickup at home. Now…(sigh)….I have to remedy the situation.
And I’m not quite sure how to do that.
How do you break someone from being addicted to going to the town dump? Where….Oh Gawd where did I fail? (sob)
Did I put off going to the dump for a few weeks and she began to have dump withdrawal symptoms? Should I have offered to let her carry a few plastic trash bags out to the truck just to give her a bit of satisfaction? Was it the sweet putrid smell of those dump dumpsters that made her crave for more? Or is it the suave’ dump manager wearing his “eu de garbage cologne?” What? What?
Here I was innocently writing daily blogs and never once noticing that she may have a dump addiction. My Gawd…..why didn’t I see it? It was right in front of my nose. The garbage I mean….that she continually emptied my garbage every half hour while I was writing. THAT should have been a clear sign. Only because I don’t usually have any garbage at my desk.
OH GAWD! She’s been planting garbage in my computer room!!! OMG!!!
No wonder I’ve noticed that there appears to be more and more garbage bags piling up in the basement…………….shes’ making garbage so that we have to go to the dump more!! OMG OMG!!
“Hello….is this “Garbage Addiction Anonymous?”
“Yes sir….do you have a garbage addiction crisis?”
“YES! YES! It’s my other half. She wants to go to the town dump every week!”
“Sir, that doesn’t sound too serious. I make the trip to the dump myself once a week.”
“Yeah but she’s dressing up, putting makeup on, doing her nails and keeps looking at her watch until it’s time to go!”
“OMG…is there anything else?”
“Yeah…….she gets all giddy on the trip to the dump and keeps humming “I Sold My heart To The Junkman” by Patti LaBelle and the Bluebelles.”
“Holy trash dumpster fella….you DO have a serious problem. That song hasn’t been played on the radio since the 1960’s for cripes sake!”
“SEE! Now do ya believe me? What should I do?”
“OK…first calm down. I know this is serious but there is a simple solution.”
“Slowly smuggle all trash and garbage out of the house in the dead of night or on errands to the store where you can dump your garbage into dumpsters behind stores and your garbage will never accumulate to the point where you ever have to go to the dump again. I know, it’s a hard thing to do….weaning someone who’s addicted to going to the dump from going there, but my friend….it’s called “tough love. Trust me on this one….that’s why we’re here.”
“And if it doesn’t work?”
“In that case get her a job at the dump.”
“THAT’S gonna cure her?”
“Um….no….but at least you’ll have some extra cash coming into the house and then you can afford to buy your own dumpster and she’ll want to quit her town dump job just to stay at home with her new toy. Hey….at least she won’t have to far to go to get a “dump fix high.”
“Don’t mention it. Oh yeah…one other perk to getting your own dumpster.”
“You won’t get your butt thrown in the slammer for dumping your trash into other people’s dumpsters in the dead of night.”
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Copyright 2012 MisfitWisdom RLV