How To Sell The Brooklyn Bridge To A Baseball Umpire

Being a dyed in the wool baseball fan, (my apologies to any sheep reading this blog) (Red Sox) I always tend to get upset when an umpire blows a call. Which also allows me to use my favorite umpire cartoon. (below)

“WOOF!” What….oh, yeah,….yer OUT!

Umpires, and I know you’ll find this very hard to believe, are human. Just like corporations. They make mistakes. BUT….sometimes costly mistakes as in the perfect game blown call by umpire Jim Joyce in 2010 when Detroit pitcher Armondo Galarraga did have a perfect game but Joyce made a wrong call.

In a game between the dreaded New York Yankees and the Cleveland Indians on Tuesday a ball was hit into the stands. Yankee outfielder Dewayne Wise attempted to catch the ball as it headed into the stands and actually fell into the seats. The ball was actually caught by a fan (photo) but Wise sold it to umpire, Mike DiMuro that he had actually caught the ball.

Hey…UMP! I got da ball…..HEY….whaddya deaf too! (note fan in red shirt holding ball)

Immediately, realizing how gullible DiMuro was, several hucksters tried to offer him a really great deal on the Brooklyn Bridge. Not having any of his credit cards on him DiMuro passed on the offers.

Soooo, you got the ball? Yeah I got the ball. Well, um, let me see it. Well, um, I can’t show it to you right now…but…if ya give me a few minutes alone, I think I can show it to ya.

As you can see in this photo above, it’s quite obvious that Wise never had the ball, that a fan actually had it, was holding up in his hand for all to see, and that the umpire, DiMuro should have brought his seeing eye dog with him.

After seeing the replay, DiMuro admitted he’d blown the call and perhaps should have asked to see the ball.  DUH!

Psssst….hey buddy….can ya just slip the ball into my glove.

Hmmmm. Where have I seen this scenario before?

“OK Lefty, show me da goods ya got in the briefcase and I’ll give ya da cash.”

“Aw comon’ Knuckles, ya can trust me. Besides, um, I forgot the suitcase combination….ya hafta take my woid for it.”

(this is where the shooting takes place but I don’t have any video)

Umpires, as human as they may be, and sometimes that’s very questionable, cost teams games. Not in this particular case because the Yankees had a good lead. But in a close game it would have made a difference. AND….it seems to be happening a lot this season.

What to do? What to do?

With my brilliant creative mind,  and some really good drugs left over from the 60’s, I have some solutions.

All baseballs should have tracking devices mounted inside of them. Kinda like a GPS system, except that instead of telling the ball where to go, (which may not be a bad idea either) the umpire can key the balls ID number into a special umpire tracker and know exactly where the ball is at any given time. Providing the umpire can actually see the keyboard to type in the number.

All baseballs should also have a repulsive odor which would prevent fans from reaching out and trying to catch a ball.  Something repulsive like skunk or, the worst of all, chickens**t. Players of course would be issued nose plugs during the game.  This would also be a good deterrent to any pitcher attempting to throw a spit ball.

All umpires should be required to foot the bill at an expensive restaurant for the entire team that lost due to a bad umpire call. Or, at least a night out at “Hooters” just to see if they can really see things……like boobs.

Any fan that touches a ball in play thereby screwing up such game, shall be executed immediately with a lethal injection of dugout chewing tobacco……..or pine tar.

The only other complaint I have with regard to umpires with vision problems is the strike zone.  It’s never the same with any damn umpire.  BUT….I’ve noticed the fatter the home plate umpire, the wider the strike zone. The skinnier, the narrower the strike zone. So…..it’s either hire all fat overweight umpires or anorexic ones.  No safe ground there.

BUT……and here’s my brilliant idea.  The entire strike zone should be encased in lasers mounted above home plate that shine down on the strike zone.  Throw a ball and a beep goes off thereby alerting the umpire that is WAS a ball. Throw a strike, and instead of the umpire yelling whatever unintelligible things it is they yell, a buzzer goes off. If an umpire still makes a wrong call, the laser zaps him with a 50,000 watt volt of electricity with a wire attached to his balls…………………not the ones umpires carry in their bags either.

Finally, as in the case of Dewayne Wise who lied lied pants on fire outright lie about having that ball Tuesday, he should immediately have been taken out of the game, sent to the clubhouse, and made to write 1,000 times on the club blackboard……………..

“I will not lie about catching a ball that I actually didn’t catch ever again.”

“I will not lie about catching a ball that I actually didn’t catch ever again.”

“I will not lie about catching a ball that I actually didn’t catch ever again.”

OK…..OK….enough!……….I SAID do it in the freakin’ clubhouse ya dummy, not here!

(DONATE) The MisfitWisdom PayPal donate link is posted below. If it is not highlighted, (blue) unless you’re an umpire and not only blind but color blind as well,  just copy and paste the link into your browser to go to PayPal. Umpires usually have a lot of balls, so I know any umpire reading this will be ballsy enough to make a donation. HEY….make a really good donation ump and I might be able to get ya a discount on that bridge in New York.

https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=ZUVXABC33QAUN

Copyright 2012 MisfitWisdom RLV

Header: chickart@cox.net

About misfit120

Former disc jockey, (Dick Jones) 30 years, and author of, "I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way" available at Amazon.com books, & Kindle, "The Covert Chamber" a mystery novel available at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble, and "Forgotten" the story of two WWI pilots who were forgotten for over 70 years available on Amazon.com and Kindle
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