FLASH: (not a story about Flash Gordon)
FLASH! The Vatican announces it has hired a Fox News correspondent to help with its image. Which is trying to get Catholics to image…oops….I mean…..”imagine” that the Vatican is “Fair and Balanced”………….I guess.
And…..because, as we all know, Fox News IS, “Fair and Balanced” they’ve hired Fox News Rome correspondent Greg Burke, 52, who will leave Fox to become the senior communications adviser in the Vatican’s secretariat of state. I guess this Vatican department is something like what the United States has, such as in “Secretary of State” except they call it “Secretariat of State.” Most likely because the Vatican either can’t spell “Secretary” correctly or they’re into race horses.
(ya have to think about that one)
So why is the Vatican hiring a guy from Fox News? My first thought was so that the Vatican can appear to be, as in the Fox News’ banner says, “Fair and Balanced.’ Like……
“Oka, yousa all cana saya that we hera at the Vatican hava not been um, faira and balanceda whena it coma to abortion. Wella, now thata changesa. Froma nowa ona, if youa havea ana abortion, itsa ok. Asa longa asa you don’t tella us.”
Which, as we all know is “fair and balanced.” Kinda like the old “Don’t ask, don’t tell policy” when it came to gays. HEY…if it worked for gays why not the Vatican too! Fair is fair…..balanced is balanced ya know.
So Greg Burke says that he’s a bit nervous about taking on the job. He calls it a challenge. Like for instance how to change the Vatican’s daily newspaper print headline style to something that would attract more attention….like say the New York Post.
“VATICAN SAYS GAY IS OK………..AS LONG AS YOU MEAN GAY AS IN HAPPY”
“VATICAN SUPPORTS SAME SEX MARRIAGE: THE “SAME” AS IT HAS ALWAYS SUPPORTED, BETWEEN A MAN AND A WOMAN.”
Ya know, this former Fox News guy and the Vatican might be on to something here. It might just might be what they need to get all Catholics motivated. HEY…..I’ve got the perfect theme song too: Hold on…WAIT!!! WAIT!!!….It’s here somewhere……..
Yeah!….Mr. Burke…..Mr. Burke. QUICK! Get the Vatican to hold a press conference and before they present you to the press play this song…it’ll really get them Catholics movin’.
(please pause for a moment and play this inspirational song)
Now that you Catholics are all fired up I can continue on with this blog. (gosh I’m so excited I can hardly contain myself) Think I need some wine. just a sip mind you.
It’s really long overdue. Bringing someone from outside of the Vatican, who’s not 102 or older, to find a way to communicate with Catholics about the issues facing the church. You know, issues like, as reported by the AP, the current scandal over Vatican documents that were leaked to Italian journalists. Pope Benedict’s infamous speech about Muslims and violence, his 2009 decision to rehabilitate a bishop who denied the Holocaust, and the Vatican’s response to the 2010 explosion of the sex abuse scandal. That kinda stuff. Which, as we all know, was NOT reported by the media in a “fair and balanced” manner. A lot of blunders that have tarnished Pope Benedict’s papacy.
Even the Vatican’s response to the leaks from within the Vatican, (not plumbing leaks) of sensitive PayPal documents….um…..no that’s not right, oh……sorry, that should read, “sensitive papal documents” hasn’t involved a sophisticated public relations strategy.
Like just last week when the Vatican’s number two guy, Cardinal, (not a baseball player from St. Louis) Tarcisio Bertone blamed the media, and the devil, for fueling the scandal and accused journalists of, “pretending to be Dan Brown.”
Ohhhhhhhhh yeah….. Dan Brown. You remember Dan Brown. The guy who wrote “The Da Vinci Code” which was the best-selling fictional account that portrayed Opes Dei as being at the root of an international Catholic conspiracy. “Opes Dei” (not to be confused with Opie from Mayberry) is a conservative movement of which Burke is a member.
So what’s this all about Alfie? I’ll attempt to wrap all of this up into a neat ball of candle wax for all of you to understand……..
Greg Burke, a former Fox News reporter will now be working for the big guy at the Vatican to spread the word of the Catholic church in a “fair and balanced” manner so that all of us, (me included) will no longer feel that we are unfair and unbalanced in our perception of the Catholic churchs’ views on such issues as same-sex marriage, abortion, gays, priest sex scandals and Phillip Seymour Hoffman’s denial’s in the movie, “Doubt.”
(I’m with you Meryl…. still think he did it)
In my own personal for what it’s worth two cents, (because that’s all I’m worth) opinion, the Catholic church needs more than Greg “Fair and Balanced” Burke to spread the word. As far as I’m concerned, the “word” is not, “perception” but…….a few words…like….”HEY…..this is the 21st century Benny….get a grip!”
(yes, I know, I’m going straight to hell)
Priests should be allowed to marry. WHY! Because it’s about freakin’ time! How can a Catholic priest relate to problems in a marriage if he himself has never been married? If ya never rode a bike how the heck are you gonna ride it without falling down. (lame example, but it works for me)
The Catholic church is way behind the times…..it’s time to adapt to today’s society and cut a lot of people, in this case, Catholics, some major slack. I know Benny, it’s a very hard thing to do….kinda like swearing off of chocolate. But…if ya really wanna be “Fair and Balanced,” sometimes ya gotta bite the ol wafer…..or bullet, as they say in the ol West.
The times they are a changin’……..and the Catholic church needs to as well.
I know….I’m still going to hell for writing this, but…………considering Fox News reputation for being “Fair and Balanced” maybe, jussssst maybe, they’ve already hired an ex Fox reporter in Hell who will show the Devil that he too needs to be “Fair and Balanced” when it comes to my final judgement.
Unless it happens to be Sean Hannity that they hired…..them I’m really screwed.
Anyone got a match?
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