Hmmmmm. Better Sex Tips Under The “Home & Garden Catagory.”

So here I was surfing the Internet when I came across yet another story about the book, “50 shades of Grey.”  Being grey myself, and knowing full well that this book is about sex and not dying your hair when you’re over fifty, I immediately went to check this story out. Because it’s one of the hottest sex books to come out in a long time, AND, because of this book, women…….yes….women are flocking to adult stores to buy Gawd knows what.

Um….actually I do know what they’re buying only because I’ve been in some of those stores myself on occasion….strictly out of curiosity mind you.  Ok….Ok….geez….so I bought something in there once.  ALRIGHT!!!  Damn it….I bought something there a number of times, but I ain’t tellin’ ya what ya damn perverts.

But I will tell you what women are flocking to adult stores to buy…….TOYS! And I’m not talkin’ about the kinda toys Santa Claus brings either.

Anyhow, getting back to this story about “50 Shades of Grey,” by reporter Mary Fischer of “The Stir,” which is a web site which stirs things up, there are five important things you can do to turn your bedroom into a “50 Shades of Grey” fantasy.

What I thought was rather odd was that the story was filed under the “Home and Garden” heading on” The Stir”.  Which leads me to believe that Mary, the reporter who wrote this story, works in the home and garden section of “The Stir” and needed a break from writing about boring home and garden stuff, OR, she spends a lot of her free time, when not writing about boring home and garden stuff, in adult toy stores. Just to liven things up in her life after writing about fertilizer, grass seed, petunias, azalea bushes and how to grow pot in your backyard.  Which is understandable.

So, I guess “The Stir” figured that they’d spike up her otherwise boring day and give her this assignment.  Ok, Mary…so now that you’re out of that Home & Garden department….what are the five ways we can turn our bedrooms into a sex den? This better be good or your butt is going to be back in the home and garden department writing about the birds and the bees…..literally.

Here are her bedroom suggestions:

1. “Eliminate All Distractions.” Yes, of course, I for one already knew that Mary. No cats, dogs, bags of noisy Doritos, television, radio, or your spouse if she has a habit of constantly talking during sex.  Um….WAIT……forget that last one….use duct tape and you solve that problem. Besides, I actually think she needs to be part of the sex equation. Makes sense to me.

2. “Ambiance Is Everything.”  Knew that one too Mary.  That’s why our bedroom has the correct ambiance all the time. Fake palm trees. The bathroom door, adjacent to our bedroom allows us to keep the bathroom faucet running thereby giving the effect of a tropical island with waves hitting the shore.

Although sometimes it does have a negative effect on my other half……..the urge to go pee.

I usually take my grass clippings from that day and spread them all over the bedroom floor for the smell effect of the outdoors. And, because we’ve been together for so long, I have a photo of George Clooney taped to our bedroom ceiling to help my other half keep focused. (she has a very short attention span when it comes to sex)

Hmmmmm. Maybe that’s why during sex she sometimes yells out, “Oh Brother, Where Art Thou.”

3. “Create Your Own Toy Chest.”  I really did try this but it did not do anything to enhance the sexual mood in my bedroom.  I showed my other half my original 1959 “Duncan Yo Yo,” my set of “Matchbox Hot Wheels,” a mint condition “Hula Hoop,” and some original mint condition toys from “Cracker Jacks” boxes. Didn’t seem to do anything for her. I don’t get it Mary.  You DID say “toys” didn’t you?

WAIT!  Oh…I get it now. You said “create your own toy chest!” Damn….I forgot the chest. Geez. Now I get it. Yeah, the element of surprise as you whip those toys out of the chest. DUH!

4.” Trade up Your Furniture.”  What she means is that you should buy a new bed and headboard, new sheets and pillows, and bed cover.  Or, if you can’t afford all of that stuff, simply ask your next door neighbor if you can use their bed for an hour or so. Works for me, and it IS a lot cheaper.

5. “Make Your Bedroom A Place That You Want To Have Sex.”  Mary….Mary….for cripes sake. Every guy knows that the bedroom IS the place you wanna have sex. Although being the slugs that most males are, they’ll have sex anywhere.

What Mary means is that you need to have bold striking colors in your bedroom. Like, again, with the sheets and pillow things. She also suggested getting a duvet. Yeah, I know, only a woman would know what the hell a duvet is. It’s a flat bag type thingy filled with insulating material and mostly used as a bed comforter. (had to look that one up)

Apparently these “duvets” drive women to the point of screaming for wild sex. I guess. Otherwise why would Mary have mentioned it. (I just ordered ten of them on Amazon.Com in various striking colors) If they don’t drive my other half crazy, you’ll see them on my eBay site.

So there ya have it. The five most important things you can do to turn your bedroom into a “50 Shades of Grey” fantasy.

Of course, yours truly Misfit already knew all of this stuff. I didn’t fall off of the vibrator battery truck yesterday ya know. Nope……and I know why most “50 Shades of Grey” bedrooms have a stuffed pink “Energizer Bunny” sitting on their bedroom bureaus too.

To, as Mary said, add to the ambiance…………………………..

And….as a subtle reminder to stock up on those batteries for……..um…..er….neverrrrr mind. The bunnies below say it all…..sorry….couldn’t help myself with this one.

(DONATE) the MisfitWisdom eternal PayPal donate link which everyone ignores, is as usual, posted below. If it is not highlighted, (blue) or pink for the ambiance, simply copy and caress…um….I mean paste it into your browser and it will ever so gently, and lovingly transport you to the PayPal site. I can tell that you’re already excited from reading all this *50 Shades of Grey” stuff so…um…..you can actually wait until after you’re done in the bedroom to go to the PayPal site. Thanks.

https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=7SV2XZD9VEC5Q

Copyright 2012 MisfitWisdom RLV

Header: chickart@cox.net

About misfit120

Former disc jockey, (Dick Jones) 30 years, and author of, "I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way" available at Amazon.com books, & Kindle, "The Covert Chamber" a mystery novel available at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble, and "Forgotten" the story of two WWI pilots who were forgotten for over 70 years available on Amazon.com and Kindle
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