“Fifty Shades of Grey”…..Damn! I Only Have Forty Nine….Rats!!!!

Forty nine…..that’s it!!  I checked my medicine cabinet and I could only come up with forty-nine different shades of grey hair dye. Geez! What the hell is all the fuss about this new book, Fifty Shades of Grey” all about anyhow?

Contrary to popular opinion, this book is NOT about coloring your hair 50 different shades of grey.

Um….wait a sec……

Oh…sorry….I just glanced at that headline in today’s paper and thought that the story was about hair coloring. Let me check it once more.


OMG!!! OMG!!! OMG!!!  It’s not about hair coloring. It’s about…OMG!! SEX and MORE SEX and WILD SEX and STEAMY SEX and BONDAGE!!  OMG!!

Bondage?  Someone wrote a book about Savings Bonds and they think it’s too steamy to be available in a library?


Ohhhhhh, I see. It’s a book about sex, wild sex, steamy sex, and tieing people up with string or rope or something while having wild steamy sex. In a sauna with hot steam I would imagine. Otherwise how would you get hot and steamy?

The new book, “Fifty Shades of Grey,” (not to be confused with actual venetian blinds or shades) written by E.L. James, (no relation to Sonny James, Jesse James or Etta James) has been banned from the libraries in Wisconsin, Georgia and Florida due to its steamy content.

Or, as Don Walker, a spokesman for Brevard Country, Florida where 19 copies of the book were pulled said, “It’s semi-pornographic.”  In layman’s terms that means that it either contains photographs or stories about semi’s, (tractor-trailer trucks) or that parts of the book contain really good story lines with a bit of hot steamy sex thrown in…..either involving semi’s or just people without semis.

In any event, this book is raising the ire of many librarians. And you know how most librarians are usually dowdy looking, wear those horn rimmed glasses and only read cookbooks.  Like Cay Hohmeister, director of libraries for Leon County in Florida who said, “It doesn’t suit our community standards.”

I think this means that semis are not allowed in Leon County.  Noise factor and such.

Once again this is borderline tar and feather censorship which also borders on days of yore when the masses, when they were not hunting down vampires and werewolves, and Frankenstein, were, in their spare time, burning books in the town square.

It’s a bunch of people, obviously anointed by the powers that be, who get to decide what you and I can read. After they’ve read it of course.

(for a better perspective about all of this, key in your browser, “Field of Dreams” PTA Video and watch the scene with Amy Madigan. I was unable to post it in this blog….probably was censored by librarians)

“Prudence…..Prudence….come here quick…..look at this paragraph in this here “Fifty Shades of Grey” book…OMG!…..just read this!”


“OMG!  Elvira…..can they actually do that sort of stuff with those handcuffs and all that steam?  Isn’t it waaaay too hot and steamy to even have sex. Why Bubba and I usually wait till it’s late at night and the sun has gone down and it’s nice and cool and then we drag out the whips and handcuffs and…………..”

“PRUDENCE!!!  For Gawds sake…….HUSH!!  I don’t give a rats ass what you and Bubba do in your bedroom but I sure as hell don’t want innocent young married couples reading this stuff and getting any ideas. Next thing ya know one of those pornographic type sex stores will be openin’ up on Main Street and then no one will be watchin’ “Dancing With the Stars” in their bedrooms at night.”

“But Elvira….it says here in this article that the book is selling like hotcakes and the people buying it are middle-aged women. Isn’t that us?”

“YES……YES…….and that’s the point Prudence. It’s bad enough that we middle-aged women have to deal with our husbands sex desires but if they get their hands on this book we’ll all become sex slaves wearing handcuffs tied up to our bedposts with a damn dehumidifier in our bedrooms!”

“Soooooo, what’s wrong with that Elvira?”

“Handcuffs and whips are banned in Leon county, so we’d have to cross the state line to buy all of that stuff and you know how word gets out once you use your MasterCard in a Wal-Mart to buy any of that stuff. Besides, I chafe very easily. Maybe we could just get by with using yarn or something.”

“Good idea…..let’s grab a copy of that book and see if we can try the yarn thing out at our next crocheting club meeting.”

Now if you don’t think that these library people (censors) don’t know what’s good for you and I, well, they do.  Because Deborah George, Gwinnett County Public Library’s director, (Georgia) has a copy of the book and has specifically marked the offending pages with over a dozen yellow sticky notes.  I assume for future reference in defending her stance that the book should be pulled off of the library shelves, or, to refer to when she gets home and tries some of that stuff out herself.

Now, to be perfectly honest with all of you reading today’s blog, I myself have not read the book. Not because it might corrupt my brain, make me go blind, or gnarl my  hands, but because I already know all of that stuff from reading other books that were banned, which made me want to go out and read them even more. Like, as mentioned in this story, “Lolita,” and “Tropic of Cancer.” Hmmmm…..I wonder if “Catcher In The Rye” was banned at those libraries too.  Maybe not….they probably thought it was a book on how to reap rye in a field.

So, make your own choice as to whether you want to read this book, ban it from your own local library, ban it from your home, or satisfy your own curiosity and sneak off to your local bookstore, buy the book, and sit waaaaaay in the back of the reading room with a cover of “Better Homes and Gardens” covering up “Fifty Shades of Grey.”

I’m reading my copy in the bathroom, where I read all of my books. And if it turns out to be THAT steamy I’ll only be a leap and a bound from my bedroom where I can run over to my other half with steamy hot passion in my eyes and a ball of yarn and yell out to her…..”Here…..I’m all yours honey!”

At which point she looks at me with a sarcastic look and says…..”get in bed and go to sleep ya damn idiot.”

Which is the extent of what I get told all of the time being, “Forty Shades of Grey.”


(DONATE) The Forty Shades of Grey MisfitWisdom PayPal donate link is posted below. If it is not highlighted, (blue….grey for seniors) copy and paste it into your browser and it will take you to the PayPal site.  Should you observe any steam, handcuffs, rope, strange-looking devices hanging around the PayPal site, you’re in the wrong room. Go down the PayPal hallway and look for the door labeled “donations.”


Copyright 2012 MisfitWisdom RLV

Header: chickart@cox.net

About misfit120

Former disc jockey, (Dick Jones) 30 years, and author of, "I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way" available at Amazon.com books, & Kindle, "The Covert Chamber" a mystery novel available at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble, and "Forgotten" the story of two WWI pilots who were forgotten for over 70 years available on Amazon.com and Kindle
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2 Responses to “Fifty Shades of Grey”…..Damn! I Only Have Forty Nine….Rats!!!!

  1. justin says:

    dude this is hilarious. i was laughing through the whole thing. brilliant writing. thank you!

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