I frankly think that when your doctor says to you that you need to have a colonoscopy it’s mainly because he’s bored. Or, he doesn’t quite like you that much. Might even be an underlying reason like he just wanted to stick it up someone’s butt after having a really bad day. My theories anyhow.
Otherwise why would you need a colonoscopy if you felt good? Which were my feelings when I first walked into the doctor’s office at the VA and felt realllly great….until he told me that I needed a colonoscopy. Kinda ruins your day.
Now don’t get me wrong. Having a colonoscopy is a preventive measure that everyone should eventually have. Just not me. And actually, I feel that everyone should have one just to appreciate the really good drugs they give you before you have that procedure. Ya don’t see the narcs raiding your local doctors office or the VA do ya. Why….because those narcs have to have colonoscopies as well. They’re not stupid ya know.
But, all that said, the worst part of that procedure is what one has to go through before the actual colonoscopy. Not eating. One whole freakin’ entire day of nothing! NOTHING! WTF! On top of that they gave me THREE laxatives and a jar of powder to mix with Gatorade that I had to drink. Holy crap! Which literally means just that…..crap……or in other words, as they delicately state in the set of instructions….”do not venture too far from your nearest bathroom” Which led me to say to myself, “No S**T Dick Tracy.” Or in today’s lingo, for those of you who do not remember Dick Tracy, “No *S**T CSI.”
The nurses at the VA are really good. Might be because they know you’re going to get a biggggg scope shoved up your butt with a camera attached to it and they enjoy some really good home movies.
“Geez nurse Alice, does the inside of this guys butt kinda look like the Grand Canyon of what!”
“Nah Doc, if ya lean a little bit toward the right it kinda resembles one of those geysers at Yellowstone National Park.”
The second hardest part of a colonoscopy is the needle they have to stick into you for the IV. Now for most of you that would not seem to be a problem. For me, who has what they call, “rolling veins” which has nothing to do with rolling dice at a casino, it means my veins tend to panic when they feel something invading their territory and tend to get outta the way. Which means the nurses have to stick me a few times before they can find one. And when they do, they yell out, “Eureka! We hit a vein,” like in the gold rush days. Not very comforting.
But, again, the best part. Those drugs they give ya. Man, I’ll tell ya. If everyone in the world took those drugs they’d be no wars and we’d all get along. It kind works like an amnesia drug. You have an instant case of, “CRS.” (can’t remember s**t) Which in this case is a plus considering you’re not supposed to have any of that in you after taking laxatives and that other Gawd awful stuff.
I remember taking the drugs, asking them when the procedure would be over, and then hearing,, “It’s all over” Is that great or what!
Now the down side.
After not eating for over 24 hours my first mission was to head for the nearest Dunkin Donuts and scarf down a big sausage, egg and cheese croissant as fast as I could. In fact, because I still was under the influence of those drugs, I don’t even remember eating it. Must have tasted good though as my other half said that I was licking crumbs off of our table and consistently thanking the waitress for making such a great sandwich while kissing her hand.
BUT…….on drive home (52 miles) as I sat in the passenger seat of my truck, (stick shift) and let my other half drive, (who has only driven a stick shift 4 times) the croissant and the drugs did not agree with one another due to the violent shifting of gears from 1st to 4th by my other half. (she has a tendency to skip gears feeling two gears is quite enough to shift with)
Soooo…….I began to get queasy and asked her to pull over to the side of the road. I figured stopping along the Interstate might calm my stomach down. It did not. The minute she pulled over I actually rolled my eyes and passed out thereby setting her into a state of panic. (she thought I bought the farm with the big one)
When I awoke I could tell that she thought I was on my last leg by the fact that she was holding a pen in her hand telling me to sign my term life insurance policy for an additional $50,000 before it was too late. That’s why we’ve been together for so long, she’s always considerate.
Eventually we made it home and I just zoned out for the rest of the day and vowing never to eat another sausage, egg and cheese croissant for at least a week. Figure that’ll be enough time to get me over the trauma effect.
So, all in all it wasn’t a good day for ol Misfit. Take caution if you need a colonoscopy. DO NOT EAT anything heavy after the procedure. Unless you only have less than a mile to travel to your home. You opt to stay at the hospital until all the effects of the drugs wear off. And you don’t drive a 5 gear speed stick shift Ram 1500 with your spouse behind the wheel attempting to locate all gears while you’re turning a deep shade of green.
One more thing ya might want to consider. Why is it that huge 50 foot colonoscopy scope, (well it seems like 50 feet when you’re lying there thinking about where there going to shove it) why is it that it looks suspiciously like the same scope used when they do an endoscopy procedure on you. You know, the same scope they use to go down your throat to check things out.
Which leads me to think………
Maybe….jussssst maybe that’s why my mouth tastes like s**t after an endoscopy.
(DONATE) The MisfitWisdom payPal donate link is posted below. If it is not highlighted, (blue) copy and paste it into your browser and it will take you to the PayPal site. If you are scheduled for a colonoscopy and you’re planning to donate to MisfitWisdom, do so before the procedure. Um….wait a sec….do it AFTER the procedure. Who knows, on those drugs ya might tend to be a bit more generous.
Copyright 2012 MisfitWisdom RLV