The way I look at it is food is food….period! Yeah, I know, a lot of food really tastes good and ya can’t wait to scarf it down for that instant gratification. A nice big steak with mashed potatoes. A huge bowl of spaghetti with a big slice of Italian bread. Those deserts later on at night in front of the tube. And the distant call of the summertime banana split beckoning to you….eat me…..eat me!
Yes, all that weight just comes piling onto our bodies during those cold winter months when there’s absolutely nothing to do but….EAT! Which may account for the fact why rich people stay thin. Because they can go to exotic places in the winter and frolic in the sun and swim in the warm ocean while we sit back here at home freezing our butts off and…..EATING!
Well not this year my fellow tubbies. Not for ol Misfit. Nope…..I’m sticking to my diet and that damn banana split isn’t gonna tempt me. I think. Depends on the other deterrent when it comes to staying on a diet. My other half.
Have you ever seen those cartoons of your good conscience and bad conscience sitting on your shoulder. On one side is that little red devil telling you to, “Go ahead, eat whatever the hell ya want to!” On the other shoulder is that goody-two-wings angel saying, “Now now Misfit, do not yield to temptation.” Well that’s how it is here.
I started my diet last Monday just to shed a few pounds and told my other half that I was sticking to it. No banana splits, no late night deserts, no chocolate. I even went out to the store and bought all the stuff needed to stay on a really good diet. Lettice, onions, beets, croutons, chick peas, and all of that other stuff that only animals foraging in the forest eat. I just kept telling myself, as I forced all of that down my throat, that it was just food to keep me alive…..that I didn’t need anything else that would taste a lot better but would prevent me from losing weight.
And it was working. As long as I kept that one thought in my brain. It’s only food and all you need it for is to stay alive.
Meanwhile, my other half, who agreed to work with me on this diet, is walking around with a big bag of potato chips and a Coke.
“Honeee……want some chips….munch…..munch….munch.”
“Um…no thanks…I’m doing pretty good on my diet so back off!”
“Well, one single chip isn’t gonna hurt ya know.”
“HEY…..you know damn well if I eat one chip I’m gonna grab that damn bag outta your hands and eat the whole thing! Now back off!”
“Geez…ya don’t have to get all bent outta shape about it…munch…..munch…munch…..how about just one Ritz cracker with your salad then? Maybe just a small slice of cheese to go with it……and a piece of pepperoni….or two.”
“WHAT! Are you workin’ for the damn food police or something? I told ya I’m NOT gonna eat anything that’s going to add any more pounds to my waist. BACK OFF!”
Meanwhile on the tube there are ads for M&M’s, Hershey’s dark chocolate, Reeses Peanut Butter Eggs, Friendly’s Ice Cream, and some hot babe covered in chocolate dressed up as a bunny.
It’s at this point I begin to realize that this isn’t going to be easy. Not only do I have my other half tempting me with fattening stuff, but television is in on it as well. What the hell am I supposed to do? I can’t avoid her, or the tube, or the hot chick covered in chocolate…..damn!
So I’ve devised a sinister plan. Which may work for the rest of you if you’re in the same situation. Short of killing your spouse, simply follow these suggestions.
2. If you survive suggestion #1 without being killed, when you’re at home and watching TV and she opens a bag of potato chips, scream at the top of your lungs, “ANTS! ANTS!! BIGGGG ANTS!!! This will cause her to panic, drop the bag and save you from the temptation of eating those chips as they will be all over the floor and way beyond the 2 second rule.
3. If in any way she attempts to tempt you with fattening cheese snacks, apply rule number 2 to the equation by yelling, “MOUSE….MOUSE….MOUSE!”
4. Short of having to import ants and mice into your household to prevent her from tempting you with all other kinds of fattening foods, you can always use the reverse logic tactic. Which is as follows:
“Dear, I’m really craving for a banana split and I know I’ve been doing really good on my diet, but I was thinking, suppose we jump in the car, run down to Friendly’s and get ourselves a really big banana split and then, to work off all of those calories, have sex when we get back.”
“Oh….um……geez…..not tonight dear, I really have a headache.”
Works EVERY TIME.
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Copyright 2012 MisfitWisdom RLV