You know, this is the third blog I’ve written about giant things. Huge disgusting man-eating chew your legs off things. First it was that damn snake, Titanoboa or something. Then that really ugly-looking rat, the “Gambian” with Mafia connections. NOW….NOW….here comes another giant something! A damn giant wasp!
(no offense to White Anglo-Saxon Protestants)
Do NOT want to upset any religious people out there. Ya never know when Rick Santorum or Pat Robertson might be surfing the web and come across this story and go berserk when they see the word “wasp” and “giant” in a blog and panic.
Ok…ok….DO NOT PANIC. Right now this giant man-eating wasp, (I put man-eating in there just for the effect folks) is in Indonesia doing whatever giant wasps do. BUT…..I’m thinking what’s it gonna take for some nutcase to slip one into a suitcase and smuggle it here to the U.S. There ARE wasp collectors ya know.
(note photo with a pin sticking thru the wasp which indicates that someone has already collected a wasp. Or……it just might be a brooch of some sort for some woman who likes wasps)
Lynn Kimsey, who is a professor at the University of California at Davis formally published her findings on the bug, which is called, “a really big freakin bug.” Um…no, that’s not what she calls it….it’s more like, “the Komodo Dragon of Wasps” because of its tremendous size and ferocious appearance. Its given name by the professor is, “Garuda” which was taken from the national symbol of Indonesia that is part human, part eagle, and known as the king of birds. Otherwise known as the Indonesian version of Spiderman.
It apparently resembles Lou Ferrigno when he’s really in an angry mood and turns into the Incredible Hulk. My guess anyhow.
This damn bug is two and one half inches long which is three times the size of an average wasp. It’s jaws are so big that when it opens its mouth to speak, or to eat you, its jaws are bigger than it legs. Kinda like a lot of mother-in-laws. Which can only mean one thing. The folks that manufacture “RAID” or “OFF” better start making some really biggggg cans of insect repellant.
Either that, or at least have their products come with a free Uzi….jusssst in case.
What this wasp does is paralyzes other insects, then buries them, and then lays eggs on top of them which provides food for their offspring. Which is also what many ex-wives do when they’re really pissed off at their ex-husbands. HEY….the kids gotta eat too ya know.
So what the hell is it gonna be next? I’m tellin’ ya this has been one week full of giant man-eating sucking up your blood or entire body nightmare. I’m almost afraid to leave the house. And barbecue season hasn’t even started yet. It’s like I have to enclose myself in some sort of cage if I’m going to use my grill this summer in my backyard.
I know, I know, you’re all thinking that I’m panicking prematurely. First of all those giant Titanoboa snakes are extinct. As far as we know. And that giant rat thing is way down there in Florida and for the most part will feed off of aging seniors before it ever decides to come up my way. And the damn wasp is still in Indonesia, so why panic.
Yeah, maybe your all right. Maybe I am panicking unnecessarily. Sorry. Didn’t mean to hit the panic button and get all of you in a frenzy.
BUT…..jusssst in case, to be on the safe side……I’m buying as many cans of “Raid” and “Off” that I can get my hands on. I’m gonna stock up on tons of cheese, (the rat factor) and finally, just in case there’s a chance a giant snake will be discovered by some professor here in Connecticut, I’m putting an “Attorney at Law” sign up in my front yard.
HEY…..giant snakes are in no way gonna attack their own species. I’m not stupid ya know.
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