I was just getting over writing that blog about that huge Titanoboa snake on display in New York, and of course still feeling a bit sad that Jon Voight got eaten up by an Anaconda, when I came across yet another story about something really huge…..RATS!
Damn it…..rats the size of house cats. OMG!!!
And these rats are not extinct like that Titanoboa snake. No….they’re for real and they live in Florida for gawd’s sake. YES….in Florida where seniors live and can’t out run a mouse, never mind a 9 pound rat.
(better check on aunt Martha and uncle Herman in that retirement community just to be on the safe side….perhaps a quick phone call might be in order)
These 9 pound 3 foot long rats, not to be confused with dirty lowdown no good for nothing rats in Mafia movies, are called Gambian rats. (no, again, they were not named after the N.Y. mafia Gambino crime family either) At least I don’t think they were. Might wanna research that one and let me know.
It seems that these huge rats started appearing in the Florida Keys between 1999 and 2001 after some really bright exotic animal breeder released 8 of them into the wild. I’m sure he really did not want to part with them, but, due to the economy and the rising cost of cheese, he had no other choice. My guess anyhow.
These rats are the largest breed of rats in the world. Excluding that guy Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, (or as Katie Couric calls him, “Dinnerjacket”) from Iran.
Just how big are they? Too freakin big if ya ask me! Look at that damn photograph again. Geez……NOW DO YA KNOW HOW BIG THEY ARE!
Well, that about does it for any plans I ever had for retiring to Florida and enjoying a quiet peaceful life sitting out by the pool with a bunch of other old senile seniors munching on a plate of cheese and Ritz crackers. Nope…..not gonna do it.
Next thing ya know you’re sitting there minding your own business deeply engrossed in the latest issue of AARP Magazine and munching on those cheese and crackers when some big freakin’ rat approaches and demands you fork over the plate. Yes, I know that this is a common occurrence considering Mafia guys retire to Florida, but I’m talking about the other rats….those bigggg furry ones with bigggg teeth and an insatiable craving for CHEESE!!!
Why push my luck what with the possibility of giant snakes and rats running rampant all over the place. It’s bad enough Florida is crawling with alligators and crocodiles as it is. And, let’s not forget that “Disneyworld” is down there too with a damn mouse as their mascot. What more proof do ya need that it’s getting way out of control in Florida with regard to things we usually swat with a broom or catch in a mousetrap.
Nope, I’m staying put right here in good old giant rat free New England. No offense to any Mafia rats of course.
Especially that recently captured Mafia guy Whitey Bulger. Gotta stay on the good side of Mafia rats ya know.
Unlike those giant Florida rats they will not come after you for your cheese and Ritz crackers, and, for the most part, you CAN communicate with them. AND…if by chance, they DO want your cheese and crackers, they might very well……………………………..
make you an offer you can’t refuse.
(DONATE) Ok you dirty no good rotten finks….doante NOW or I’ll sic these giant man-eating rats on ya. Yes, a subtle approach. The MisfitWisdom PayPal donate rat link is posted below. If it is not highlighted, (blue) copy and paste it into your browser and it will take you to the PayPal site where we are currently serving an appetizer of crackers and cheese.
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