The Mother Of All S-S-S-S-nakes….OMG!!!!!

Now I for one do not like snakes. ANY snakes. Long, short, fat, thin….lawyers, whatever. I don’t even like worms. Or spiders.  Snakes for some reason, which I will get into, just freak me out. For one thing, they don’t really make any noise. They just kinda sneak up on you and do whatever it is snakes do if they just feel like doing it. Like eating you for instance. Or perhaps just taking a bite outta you.

The Smithsonian's "Titanoboa" snake display at Grand Central Station.

So, it was with great disdain that I read about the Smithsonian Institutions latest project called, “Titanoboa: Monster Snake.” As far as I’m concerned, you should never put the words “snake” and “monster” in the same sentence and expect me not to panic. The same would go for “worm” and “monster.”

Now this here snake has been extinct for some time, but that didn’t give me any consolation.  What if there’s one roaming around some Amazon forest somewhere just waiting to sneak its snaky self onto some cargo ship and make it to the U.S. Think about THAT folks.!

Wanna know just how big this damn snake is. I’ll tell ya. It stands waist-high and is as big as a school bus.  That is one big snake!  And, as you can see by the photos I’ve posted, it can swallow an entire crocodile with one single gulp. However, it does have to take a few “Rolaids” afterwards. You know how it is when you tend to gulp down food…..or an entire crocodile with chewing your food properly.

Titanoboa snake again. Feeling squeamish are ya?

Now part of this exhibit, (the snake and the eating the croc part) is currently on display at New York’s Grand Central Station.  (might wanna pass up on eating a chili dog while you’re waiting for a train) The full exhibit will be at the Smithsonian Institutions’ National Museum of Natural History  in Washington, D.C. beginning on March 30th.  There will also be a two hour TV special, (wide-screen to accommodate the size of the snake) entitled, “Titnoboa: Monster Snake” on the Smithsonian Channel which will air on April 1st.

Jonathan Bloch, a vertebrate paleontologist, (one who determines if snakes are pale) who is one of the team of researchers who first discovered the remains of this huge snake described the enormous vertebrae as, “sort of like if you saw a mouse skull the size of a rhino skull.” Or, in my opinion, if I were a researcher, and I found a piece of cheese the size of a school bus with huge teeth marks in it.

Titanoboa enjoying a croc snack.

This snake is related to a boa constrictor, which as we all know constricts, but actually behaved like an Anaconda. Which is of no consolation at all considering I saw the movie “Anaconda” starring Jon Voight and I believe he was swallowed entirely by that snake. Ever since then I haven’t been able to look at Angelina Jolie, Voight’s, daughter, without thinking that somewhere out there is an Anaconda that wants seconds. Which I can understand considering how tasty and hot Angelina is. To a snake anyhow. Well… me too.

(ya have to think about that one)

Jon Voight being swallowed by a giant Anaconda which is the main reason you don't see much of Jon Voight around anymore.

And, for you snake lovers, what the hell are ya thinkin’ anyhow? What kind of companionship can ya get from a damn snake? WHAT….is it………… the constant hugs they give ya or that they don’t make any noise. It’s not like when someone rings the doorbell and if ya have a dog, it barks. I don’t get it.

And how do ya clean up snake poop anyhow?  Biggggggg snake poop considering this snake is, as I said, the size of a school bus.  Geez, I’d hate to be hauling out Hefty Bags full of Titanoboa poop to the trash every day. Hernia city.

I, for one, will NOT be either visiting this Smithsonian exhibition at Grand Central Station or in D.C., nor will I be watching that TV special.  It took me months to get over the nightmares I had from watching “Anaconda.”  And feeling sorry for Jon Voight.

Besides, as it is, I’m still trying to get over my childhood nightmares I still have to this day about giant ants from watching the movie, “THEM,” (1954)  when I was a mere child and thought that giant ants really existed.

I still have nightmares to this day thanks to this movie. MOM....MOM....why did ya force me to watch it!

Which is why whenever I come across a good-sized ant out on my patio in the summer I scoop it up, take it outside, and set it free.  Much to my other half’s objections, because she’d sooner step on it and throw it in the trash.

But me, I’m more cautious…..jusssst in case there really are giant ants. Don’t wanna piss off any of them and then pay the price in the long run if they really do exist.

At least if I save one ant, and they have the capacity to remember that favor, I might be spared if they get to the size of a Titanoboa. One can never be too cautious.

As for my other half, I think she’s basically screwed…..cause I think they’d eat her.

(DONATE) The MisfitWisdom PayPal link is posted below. if it is not highlighted, (blue) or the size of a Titanoboa, copy and paste it into your browser and you will get to the PayPal site.  Might wanna bring a biggg can of “RAID” with you jussssst in case. Or, some snake repellent.

Copyright 2012 MisfitWisdom RLV


About misfit120

Former disc jockey, (Dick Jones) 30 years, and author of, "I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way" available at books, & Kindle, "The Covert Chamber" a mystery novel available at and Barnes & Noble, and "Forgotten" the story of two WWI pilots who were forgotten for over 70 years available on and Kindle
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