Yes….I freely and openly admit it…….I’m not (gasp) a football fan. I know, you’re all thinking that I must be some kinda communist pinko ratfink or something. That anyone, at least any red-blooded filled up to the brim testosterone overloaded male who doesn’t like football, must be from a different planet……..or in a coma.
Actually when I first heard about the Super Bowl years ago my first thought was that it was a new jalapeno hot pepper soup offer from Taco bell. I can’t begin to tell you how disappointed I was when I discovered it wasn’t.
HEY! NOT EVERYBODY LIKES FOOTBALL…………………….I think. I could be mistaken……maybe I’m……………….I’m…………..(sigh)…………. sports deficient.
WAIT!!! I’m NOT sports deficient! I love baseball! Along with hot dogs, apple pie and Chevrolet. Although I actually own a Dodge Ram pickup. BUT…I do eat a lot of hot dogs and apple pie. That should count for something.
It’s just football that I don’t care for. Not that I have any trouble understanding or following the game, but it’s that I have trouble understanding or following the game. I’ve calculated that the average football game could be played in ten minutes if only those silly looking guys in striped shirts stopped interrupting the game by taking breaks. I think they call them “time outs” or something. Who the hell negotiated THAT clause in their union contract?
Then there’s all that butt grabbing stuff going on out there on the field. What the hell kinda example are those guys setting for little kids who may forever be traumatized by seeing grown men groping each other. Damn perverts.
And, to make matters even worse, their wearing skin tight speedos with over inflated abs and shoulders. Who the hell, besides the Incredible Hulk and Fabio really looks like that? And they don’t even play football! Or wear speedos. Well, maybeeeee Fabio, but only because he’s the only guy, besides Mitt Romney who can get away with it.
Sorry, just had to throw in a political mention in here somewhere. After all, tis the season.
Then there’s the injuries football players inflict on one another. Broken arms, legs, concussions, nose bleeds and hearts. OH WAIT! Sorry, I had “Brokeback Mountain” on the brain there for a second with the broken hearts thing.
If I’m gonna be lying in some damn hospital bed somewhere with a broken arm, leg or a concussion, it damn well better be from a car accident and not from running after some 250 pound guy with a ball in his hand who elbows me in the freakin’ groin.
“Hello Allstate Insurance. Can I speak to an agent please?”
“Yes sir, how may I help you?”
“Well, I’m lying here in St. Lady of Agony Hospital in traction and I’d like to file a injury claim.”
“And how exactly did you injure yourself sir?”
“Well, I was chasing this guy across a grassy field and he elbowed me in the groin and I fell down near the 2o yard line on top of a “Coors Lite” vendor and my arm got jammed between the ice container maker and the bottle opener while my leg somehow bent sideways and then propelled me into some big ol woman who was on the sidelines who then apparently thought I was attempting to molest her who then whipped out a taser gun and zapped me several times until I was unconscious. That’s all I remember.”
“Geez….I feel sorry for you sir, but Allstate doesn’t cover ice container getting zapped by a taser injuries.”
“THEY DON’T? What the hell am I supposed to do now?”
“Just relax….football season is over and you can, once you’re all healed up, enjoy a nice safe baseball game. Um, just avoid sitting behind home plate.”
“Because lots of foul balls and loose bats head in that direction.”
“Allstate doesn’t cover ball or bat injuries either…….sorry. Ya might wanna take up chess or something.”
So ya see, for obvious reasons, I’m not into football. Never was, never will be. Except today because the Patriots are playing, and, obviously I’m a New Englander…..and, I like the commercials.
Can’t get injured or molested watching a commercial ya know.
Good luck New England.
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