Gnu-t Gingrich’s First Day As President…Hmmmm, Gnews To Me.

Yep, at his victorious concession speech on Tuesday night after losing the Florida Primary to Mitso Romney, Gnu-t stepped up to the podium, which is somewhat of an effort considering, as I’ve said before, his stomach always gets there first. He proceeded to outline what his first day as President would consist of.  Besides hallucinating that he’s actually the President.

Thnx: Mike Luckovitch

Without getting into many of the specifics, he basically said that he would sign a gazillion executive orders abolishing whatever he could abolish with a stroke of the executive order pen, one of many that was given to him for his fine consulting work at Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae.

For instance, he would abolish the 9th circuit court, which I guess oversees various circuits and makes sure that most of them aren’t overloaded in homes. Which means that no one would be overseeing circuit breakers.  He also said that he would abolish all czars, which at this point seems ridiculous considering the only place that really used a bunch of czars was Russia, and they did away with them eons ago.

He also said that he would not allow the government to have any funds for abortions. Which made some of the supporters in the audience cringe because they first thought he said the word, “arboretum” and thought he was cutting bank funding for trees and bushes, and, because “bushes” reminds them of their beloved former President, GWB, they began to panic. He immediately corrected himself and assured the crowd that no trees or bushes would be neglected during his Presidency.

In all, the Gnu-t said that he would sign between 150 and 200 executive orders on his first hour as ElPresidente.  No one had the heart to tell him that Mistso actually won the Florida primary and that there were still many more primaries left to go. At one point I think I noticed that his wife, Callista’s hair began to melt a bit from the hot lights or the amount of hot air Gnu-t was spewing out.  Fortunately a Secret Service agent was standing nearby and whipped out a can of hair spray and saved the moment.

Aggggggh! Newt....Newt....That damn secret service agent sprayed my mouth too!

I’m not implying that Gnu-t is in any way a pompous ass or anything but, um…..yes, I AM implying that Gnu-t is a damn pompous ass.  Does the word, “humility” come into play anywhere in his election campaign?


Can ya see this guy in the oval office on the very first day with an abolishing pen in his fat little fingers……..

MEDICARE:  “Damn,….medics don’t need any freakin’ care. Abolish it!”

SOCIAL SECURITY: “What!  Since when do people meeting in a social atmosphere need any security?  Abolish it!”

ENTITLEMENT PROGRAMS:   “Entitlement programs. Are ya kidding me?  There’s enough reality programs on cable TV and satellite now!  Abolish them!”

FOOD STAMPS:  “Look, the post office has enough stamps to go around as it is so why in the hell do we need any new stamps with pictures of food on them? Abolish it!”

PBS FUNDING:  “Oh sure, give money to them so that they can corrupt our minds with stupid programs like “Fresh Air,” “Car Talk” “Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me,” and “Prairie Home Companion.”  WTF!  Americans can get all the fresh air they want, it’s free ya know. Ya wanna talk about cars, go see a damn mechanic. And I sure as hell don’t want to EVER wait for anyone to tell me anything…I’M THE PRESIDENT.  And that damn liberal Garrison Keillor. Who the hell does he think he’s fooling with all that prairie down to earth home companion crap.  Abolish it!”

CORPORATIONS AND LOBBYISTS:  “Dam them red pinkos too. Those no god son-of- a…….wait a minute…..

(aides whispering into Gnu-t’s ear)

“Oh..heh, heh, sorry. I got carried away here for a moment in the heat of abolishing all of those nonsensical programs and somehow corporations and lobbyists got mixed up in the pile of abolishment stuff. After all folks, corporations ARE people, like my former opponent Mistso Romney said, and lobbyists also fit into that category too.  And, being the compassionate President that I am, I will spare the ol “abolishment” pen for corporations and lobbyists.”

“And I……what?

(aide whispering into Gnu-t’s ear again)

(Gnu-t whispering back into aides ear) “um….just tell AIG and Bank of America and the rest of those guys to leave their checks next to that box of KFC chicken on the table over there.”

I’m still betting my money, if I actually had any money to bet, that Mitso will be the nominee.  This may be gnews to all of you, but Mitso is going to be very hard to stop. For one thing, he doesn’t have any “moon base” baggage or ex-house speaker baggage to drag him down. Or the weight, which would drag anyone down. Although it would be kind humorous to see Gnu-t dress up kinda casually like Mitso does in a pair of Levis and a plaid shirt. Try and picture that image into your mind……not a pretty sight.

As I’ve stated before, I personally do not give a rat’s ass who the Republican nominee is. Really….honestly and truly, swear to God, raise my right hand, and hold my breath till I go blue honest type trueness. WHY?  Because in the final vote, I personally will vote for the “man” who I feel can do the best job……whatever his party is.  Not based on what all of the present candidates say is their main goal…….”to beat Obama.”

Yeah, like all of us voters don’t care about anything else.

Give me a candidate who comes across as squeaky clean and wears a white suit, will end the wars, stop corporate greed, be able to relate to the low-class slugs, (us) and can balance the budget by actually eating at a KFC, and he’s got my vote.

Unfortunately Colonel Sanders passed away some time ago.

Mah fellow Americans....if elected ah promise a chicken in every that some pot with every chicken.....either way, ah promise you all will have a bigggg smile on your faces.

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Copyright 2012 MisfitWisdom RLV


About misfit120

Former disc jockey, (Dick Jones) 30 years, and author of, "I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way" available at books, & Kindle, "The Covert Chamber" a mystery novel available at and Barnes & Noble, and "Forgotten" the story of two WWI pilots who were forgotten for over 70 years available on and Kindle
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