Newt Gingrich Follows Ralph Kramden’s Advice

Yep, ol Newt apparently was sitting in one of his campaign hotel rooms shortly before the last Florida debate watching the “TV Land” channel and an episode of the “Honeymooners” with Jackie Gleason as Ralph Cramden and tuned in just as Ralph said to his wife Alice, “One of these days Alice,…..POW!  right to the moon.”

"One of these days Alice, POW...right to da moon....and I ain't waitin' for Newt to get us there either."

Instantly a giant lightbulb, most likely the size of Newt’s head, illuminated as he thought to himself:  “YES!  That’s it. Send Alice to the moon….along with everybody else by the year 2020, um, after I’ve been reelected and into my second term as President.”

He immediately headed down to the debate and presented his plan for moon colonization.

“‘Friends, Romans, (he’s converted to Catholicism) countrymen and Floridians, who by the way are extremely worried that the space program might be in the sewer, fear not……the Newt is here to save the day. Just think of him as “Underdog!!!” Or was that Mighty Mouse here to save the day? Either way folks, he can fit into any one of those super hero outfits, after a few minor adjustments around the waist.”

Pausing a moment to reflect on the audience who by then was extremely curious and salivating on the possibility of once again having a space program in Florida, the Newt continued,

“Yes Floridians, you heard me correctly. I, The Newtster, will bring our space exploration back to its grandiose state by proposing, after my second term as President that is, that we head off to the moon, colonize it, and begin exporting cheese as our first commercial enterprise.  Then, we will develop the moon into a robust commercial space industry and from there launch other space ships to explore Mars, and perhaps the planet Almond Joy as well.”

The crowd, in excess of 700 people were visibility thrilled at the thought of possibly living on the moon and then be able to continue on and explore Mars to see if they actually make that candy there.

He even hinted that possibly the moon could become a state.  YES! A state, with its own flag, (a wedge of cheese superimposed over a Ritz cracker) and a state government. Not only that, but totally self-dependent with power for homes and industry coming from the moon itself in the form of moonbeams.  Which obviously could be managed by California Governor Jerry (moon beam) Brown considering his vast experience with moonbeams.

Once again the crowd showed its approval with applause, especially when the debate caterers began passing around more Ritz crackers and cheese.

Newt, now on a roll, which is very easy for him to do considering his “Pillsbury Dough boy” shape went on:

“I’m sick of being told we have to be timid.  I’m sick of being told we have limited technologies that are 50 years old”

I think myself , that he may have been sick and tired of eating Ritz crackers and cheese and was hoping the debate would end quickly so that he and Callista could beat feet to the nearest steak joint.

Meanwhile, his closest opponent for the Republican nomination, Mistso Romney, stood by waiting for the opportune moment to comment on all of this space/moon exploration stuff proposed by the Newt.

Then…..seizing the moment, Mitso chimed in: “If I had a business executive come to me and say I want to spend a few hundred billion dollars to put a colony on the moon,  I’d say, you’re fired.!”  Or, I’d hire Donald Trump to say it for me. He does it so much better than I.

In other words Newt…..”WHAT! Are you a nucking fut!” (just rearrange the words and you’ll get it)

Obviously what all of this means is that Newt was telling the people in Florida, (space country) just what they wanted to hear so that they would vote for him. Either that, or he really is nucking futs.  I’d go with the latter. Unless of course there really is chocolate on that Mars planet, then I’d be all for it.

HEY!  We all know that the “Mars” company makes such delicious stuff as Snickers, M&M’s, Twix, and Dove candy bars.  What better place to manufacture them then on Mars.  The only problem I see with Newt’s plan after we’ve colonized the moon and head off to Mars is that the Mars Candy Company also makes pet food.  Stuff like “Whiskas” and “Pedigree” dog food.  Why is this a problem you ask?

Because this could all be a sinister plan by the Mars Candy Company to lure us all to Mars where, once we get there, we discover that the planet is inhabited by dogs….bigggg ferocious dogs with bigggg teeth and verrrry tall. So the plan by the Mars company all this time was to lure us unsuspecting humans to that planet, and then eat us.

And Newt is playing right into their hands….or paws.

FORGET IT NEWT!  I for one am not falling for that idea of yours to go to the moon and then to Mars.  The moon I can understand. We all love cheese and I have no problem with the Ritz cracker company.

But…the “Mars” company!  How do ya trust a company that on the one hand makes all kinds of chocolates for humans, BUT, on the other hand, or paw, makes dog food!!!! It’s a damn trick NEWT!!  Wake up for Gawds sake!

AND….if you’re gonna insist that we go ahead and explore Mars, that is if you’re into your second term, (dream on) at least send all those stupid Floridians there first.  because nobody in their right mind is gonna care if THEY go and get eaten up by a bunch of wild Martian dogs.

Heh heh heh heh heh...those unsuspecting humans have fallen right into my trap....heh heh heh

Besides, Florida is already way too overcrowded with one foot on a banana peel seniors anyhow and we really need the room for the next wave of baby boomers.

M&M anybody?

(DONATE) The MisfitWisdom PayPal donate link is posted below. If it is not highlighted (blue) copy and paste it into your browser and it will take you to the PayPal site which Newt Gingrich has proposed that we explore if we do not get the funding to go to the moon or Mars.

Copyright 2012 MisfitWisdom RLV


About misfit120

Former disc jockey, (Dick Jones) 30 years, and author of, "I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way" available at books, & Kindle, "The Covert Chamber" a mystery novel available at and Barnes & Noble, and "Forgotten" the story of two WWI pilots who were forgotten for over 70 years available on and Kindle
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