I’m a bit confused. Recently I’ve been noticing that a lot of cartoonists and comedy show hosts have been showing unflattering photographs of Newt Gingrich. Then again, most of the photographs and cartoons of Newt that I’ve seen on various news programs are of Newt himself as he strolls up to a podium to give a speech, his stomach getting there shortly before him.
Am I suggesting that Newt is somewhat on the portly side? You betcha!
But, I’m not alone on this call. Comedians and cartoonists have been portraying him as the “Pillsbury Dough Boy” and the “Michelin Tire” guy. Strangely enough, both of those characters seem to look a lot like Newt.
I mean, we all know that Newt has had ties to corporations just like Mitt Romney and every other single politician on the face of the earth. But why is it he’s the only one who seems to resemble these two corporate logos?
For instance. Mitt, while at “Bain Capital,” helped to establish companies like “Burger King,” yet ya don’t see Romney wearing a crown or dressing up in Kingly clothing do ya. He doesn’t even begin to resemble the King in those Burger King commercials. But Newt…..he’s got Pillsbury and or Michelin written all over that body. It’s like ya wanna shove him into an oven and then pull him out 45 minutes later and spread icing all over him.
“Wow Honey! What’s that wonderful smell coming from the kitchen?”
“It’s Pillsbury’s Newt Cinnamon rolls dear. Biggggg round and fluffy hot cinnamon rolls with icing that you can spread on them straight out of the oven.”
“Ahhhh….I should have guessed. My favorite. Hot Pillsbury Newt Cinnamon rolls. I just can’t get enough of them. Might even have to go out and have an affair with another woman who loves to cook just to get my fill of these sumptuous rolls.”
OR…..get a damn lug wrench and slap a pair of Newt’s radial tires onto your SUV for better tires during a snow or rain storm. This guy doesn’t need to run for President. He could be the spokesman for either one of those brands and be completely believable.
“Yes folks, protect your family during bad weather with a pair of Michelin Newt tires. With all of the hot air we pump into our tires they’re guaranteed to stay inflated under any condition………….perfect for any politician.”
I think one of these two company logos is actually Newt. I can’t seem to pin it down but I’m leaning towards the “Pillsbury Dough Boy” based on a scientific facial analysis recognition system developed by Dr. Fergenstoff Stilonzsik of Bavaria back in the 1940’s.
Using this facial recognition system, it is possible to compare the facial features of Newt Gingrich’s to that of the Pillsbury Dough Boy and find striking resemblances. However, upon forwarding the same information to the research lab at FBI Headquarters in Washington, D.C., they have concluded that my research is correct with regard to the facial recognition aspect, but, find conclusive evidence that the lower portion of Mr. Gingrich’s body closely resembles that of the Michelin Tire guy.
Further investigation, comparing both sets of findings, from Dr. Stilonzsik and the FBI, as well as my own research, points to one final unanimous conclusion.
Newt was most likely conceived in a marriage, or affair, between a Pillsbury Dough female and a Michelin Tire male. DNA tread marks along with traces of icing have proved these findings to be conclusive.
So there ya have it folks. Beyond a reasonable doubt, conclusive evidence that Newt Gingrich is the son of Mr. and Mrs. Michelin Pillsbury.
Remember, you heard this story here first on MisfitWisdom. Always…”Fair and Unbalanced.”
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