Roadkill, Environmentally Friendly Dead People, and Terrorist Seniors

Somewhere in the heading of today’s blog there’s a group I wanna join. I’m quite certain it’s not the “Environmentally Friendly Dead People” or “Roadkill” group, but possibly those terrorist seniors. GO GRANNY!!!

So I’ll start with the groups I will not be joining.

Out of Caseyville, Illinois, where politicians have nothing better to do than pass a new road kill ordinance, which is what they did, comes this story. A new state law sponsored by Republican Rep. Norine Hammond now makes it legal for anyone with an Illinois furbearer license to scoop up dead animals along the road. WHY you ask?  Because it’s a waste to allow animals’ pelts to rot along the roadsides, that’s why.

Oops......

Besides, it also allows people to make a little money and saves the state from having to clean up those dead animals. Also makes it somewhat easier for those road crews to enjoy a good meal after a hard days work without images of squished dead animals implanted in their brains.

However, one detractor, namely the Governor of Illinois attempted to veto the bill because he was worried that some motorists scraping up dead animals along the road might themselves suffer the same fate. Which, in my opinion, would lead to yet another state law that says it’s ok for morticians to troll the highways scooping up dead motorists who were attempting to scoop up dead animals.

Which leads us to the next dead story out of Bethlehem, Pennsylvania that has nothing to do with road kill.  It seems that there is a movement to encourage what has been labeled as, “green burials.”  In other words, “environmentally friendly” dead people.  Yep, them dead people take a licking but keep on ticking after they’re dead. (sorry Timex)

According to a story in the Allentown Morning Call, which is a newspaper and not someone who called someone else in the morning in Allentown.  One, Patrick Ytsma, (deceased) decided, upon his demise, to minimize his impact on the environment. Sooooo, when he passed away at 53, after a collision with a car, he decided, I guess long before he died because obviously it wouldn’t make any sense if he decided it after he died, that he would be planted in a special area of Bethlehem’s Fountain Hill Cemetery devoted to environmentally friendly interments.

How exactly do you do that you ask? Well, you first of all have a casket that is made out of sea grass and willow, contains no frilly polyester-lined coffin, no precast concrete vault, no chemicals and finally, no embalming.  Just plain ol Patrick laid to rest with no sesame seeds on a bun with a pickle. How environmentally friendly is THAT!

There's one of these in every group. Sooooo, jussssst in case you're one of "these" it might not be a bad idea to be buried in your own backyard.

I for one think this is a great idea and should be expanded to include not only dead people, but perhaps dead people in their cars. Think of it folks. You spend thousands of dollars on your car and when you die, it just sits there or someone else gets to enjoy it. Make arrangements to have yourself buried in your car, maybe even in your own backyard.  Think of all the priceless land you’ll be saving by allowing developers to take advantage of those available unused cemetery plots.  Not only that, but junkyards would be- come obsolete.  AND……relatives would no longer have to waste valuable gas traipsing off to the cemetery to pay their respects. Everytime they visit or have a backyard cookout, Shazam! you’re remembered as they scarf down their burgers and dogs on your patio, gaze out over your freshly cut lawn, spot the memorial marker on your final resting place, (your car antenna sticking out of the grass) and, with a hearty swig of Jack Daniels, pay their respects.

How environmentally friendly is THAT!!!

Finally, in case you missed this one over the weekend.  A new group of terrorists struck a Bank of America. Vicious low down nasty worse than the Taliban terrorists…… ” Seniors”.  And you know how vicious seniors can be. Especially if you work in a Dunkin Donuts.

“WHERE’S MY DAMN SENIOR DISCOUNT YOU FREAKIN’ JERK?”

Erin Sherbert in “The Snitch” which is a newspaper or something out of the San Francisco area reports that a bunch of crazed seniors carrying oxygen tanks and armed with walkers attempted to take over a local Bank of America branch. Fortunately, because they move verrrrry slowly, the bank was able to lock the doors to the bank before they gained entrance.

I personally find that hard to believe based on the fact that whenever I attempt to play my favorite slot machine at any casino some old fart with a scooter, walker, oxygen tank or a cane manages to beat me to it by a few steps.

The group of seniors who called themselves, “Wild Old Women” (otherwise known as hot wrinkled babes)  ranged in age from 69 to 82,  did manage to shut down the bank. Apparently their demands were that the bank lower fees, pay higher taxes, and stop foreclosures. Yeah….like THAT’S gonna happen.

Eventually, after learning that bingo would be starting soon at a local Elks hall and that coffee and muffins were free, the group ended their demonstration. No arrests were made but one senior was issued a citation for illegally parking their walker in a “no walker” zone.

HEY....Bank of America, foreclose on THIS!

So you see folks, after reading this you all have various choices to make. Environmentally friendly burial upon your demise, or pollute the earth. Scrape up road kill and save a road crews dinner, or just let those suckers rot in the street and let the crows have a feast. Or, take up arms, or walkers, head to your local Bank of America and protest in support of those seniors, or just say, “screw it” knock the cane out from under one of those seniors, flatten their scooter tires, or put a crimp in their oxygen hoses……………

That way you’re guaranteed to get to that damn slot machine before they do.

Yeah, and screw you too Misfit.....

(DONATE) The environmentally friendly MisfitWisdom PayPal link is posted below. If it is not highlighted, simply copy and paste it into your browser before some damn senior beats you to it.  Considering no one ever donates, especially seniors,  you do not have to worry about tripping over scooters and walkers when you go to the PayPal site.

https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=TUYFFZGCRMPVG

Copyright 2012 MisfitWisdom RLV

Header: chickart@cox.net

About misfit120

Former disc jockey, (Dick Jones) 30 years, and author of, "I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way" available at Amazon.com books, & Kindle, "The Covert Chamber" a mystery novel available at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble, and "Forgotten" the story of two WWI pilots who were forgotten for over 70 years available on Amazon.com and Kindle
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1 Response to Roadkill, Environmentally Friendly Dead People, and Terrorist Seniors

  1. Doc says:

    Personally, I’d rather jump the curb at the bank, do a “class action” (for those among you who are legally-astute) roadkill, then conduct a mass burial. Saves money with more property available for other types of burials; uses one truck to haul them away; take their clothes for later use when polyester and skinny ties come back into vogue; immediately reduces social security costs, thus providing an increase (LOL) in my monthly social security income; and allow the bank to continue raising its fees anyway–something I’ve always wanted.

    Only problem is, I would lose my patient income. Come to think of it, Obamacare is doing that anyway….

    Futuristic-ly,
    Doc

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