You’ll have to excuse me this morning folks. I just came in from the backyard where an Oak tree and myself spent some quality time together. Namely banging my head against that tree so that I can knock some freakin’ sense into my brain in order to understand how voters minds work.
First let me clarify something here. I personally vote for a candidate who has some solid ideas on how to solve our problems. Real solid ideas. Like the reason we’re in a deficit might be because we send so much money to other countries who’d sooner tell us to go stick our ideas up our butts, but, um, still we’ll take your money.
OR….that the one and only reason we send that money to other countries is not only because we want to show that the American way is the best way to live and we’re gonna shove it down your throats whether you like it or not and because corporations salivate over the thought of opening new businesses there once all the dead bodies and rubble has been cleared away.
Soooooo, what does the American voter look for in a candidate this year? Is it one candidate that can lay down some specific plans to bring us out of our deficit spending? Noooooooo. Is it a candidate who can solve the differences between the wealthy and the poor? Noooooo. Is it a candidate who can iron out the big flap over health care? Noooooo. Is it a candidate that can create jobs? Noooooooooo.
Soooo….what exactly is it folks. I’ll tell ya what it is. According to an article by the New York Times News Service, which I guess services news, they say that the main reason voters choose a candidate is…..(ahem) “personal qualities.” You know, personal qualities like how a candidate combs his hair, how many teeth he has, are a candidates eyes blue or brown, does he or she have a dog or cat, or do they have huge noses. That stuff…..the stuff that we all usually think about when it comes to choosing someone to run the country.
Screw that damn stupid deficit, economy, job creation and war stuff. Not important.
I know, you think I’m making all of this stuff up. HAH!! Read on lemmings.
Jonathan Gabhart, a 21-year-old college student from Spencer, Iowa is leaning towards voting for Ron Paul because he has a “high-pitched squirrelly voice” which is unpolished. “He seems like a real person because of his eccentricities.” Hey Jonathan….so does Charlie Sheen for cripes sake.
Andy Schwaegler, a 45-year-old tree farmer, (one reason I banged my head against my Oak tree this morning) who is from Orford, N.H. is drawn to Mitt Romney because of his well coiffed hair which reminds him of his father, a business executive. “It’s something about the way he carries himself.”
Yep, like I always say, show me a candidate that’s bald and a candidate with lots of hair, and the one with all the hair is a sure-fire leader. Which is one reason I’m voting for the opposite, “Dr. Evil.” (pictured) This is based on the fact that I personally trust bald guys because I fall into that category and I am verrrrry trustworthy…….most of the time anyhow. HEY! Aren’t Kojak, Yul Brynner, and those bald headed cops on “Flashpoint” very trustworthy too.
Nancy Weaver, a 60-year-old retiree from Grinnell, Iowa really likes Michelle Bachmann because she’s raised 23 foster children. Obviously another strong point when it comes to selecting a Presidential candidate. Hey…if ya can’t find anyone for your cabinet while you’re in the White House you’ve always got 23 kids to fill up those spots. No salary either, so you can make them all pay for all those allowances you had to dish out when they were younger by working for zip. Hmmmm…..cuts back on the deficit too.
Here’s the clincher. Voters are hard pressed to recall details of the candidates plans to reduce taxes, create jobs and shrink the government. Other than electing Dr. Evil, which in a way, DOES “shrink” the government. (think about that one folks)
Rather, these bunch of brainiacs knew about the marriages and mannerisms, the faith and careers of all of the candidates as well as any trait that strikes them as admirable or anything annoying. Don’t ya just hate it when a candidate is annoying.
Like Rose Williams a retired teacher from Bridgewater, N.H. who said about Mitt Romney, “When he’s on TV or on a commercial, I put it on mute.” Geez Rose, I’ve had my TV on mute during the political season since 1972.
Here’s another bright rocket scientist when it comes to reasons to pick a candidate. Phil Dullingham, 62, a retired manager at Ford motor company from Moultonborough, N.H., said he could never vote for Governor Rick Perry of Texas because of what he called the candidate’s swagger. “He strikes me as too Bush like, too strutty, too Texan.”
“Damn it Phil…them thar words are fightin’ words….reach fer yer gun podner.”
On Jon Huntsman. Eva Dunn, 60, a retired lieutenant colonel in the Air Force, (attention!) has no patience for Jon. “He comes across as a preacher and I just want to take his hands and tie them behind his back because he’s always pleading.” Hmmmm…..what do ya suppose Eva has in mind once she’s got his hands tied behind his back.
“Pray for mercy Jon….pray……it’s time for you to repent in front of Evie here.”
My favorite reason one person gave for not voting for a candidate was given by Ann Szot of Keene, N.H. She said that her husband, Mr. Szot I guess, “thinks Ron Paul looks like he should be sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons.” (The Szots however, will still be voting for Paul. Most likely because they either like pigeons or spend a lot of time themselves on park benches and can relate to Ron Paul)
Finally, (thank gawd) Kimber Harmon, 54, from Hollis, N.H., favors Jon Huntsman over Newt Gingrich because Huntsman is a long-married father of seven in contrast to that of Newt. Why…..because as she says, “You’ve got to think of who you want to see greeting guests at the front door of the White House.”
Personally I think a nice touch would be to have Moe, Larry and Curly greeting guests at the front door of the White House. Kinda lighten things up before some big dignitary visits to discuss such unimportant things as attacking Iran, pulling the troops out of Afghanistan, and how long it will take to get a McDonald’s, KFC, Burger King, and Taco Bell into Iraq.
Sooooo voters, at least in New Hampshire and Iowa who have the first crack at casting their votes…..a well deserved “Flying Fickle Finger Feather” award from ol MisfitWisdom.
Ya can’t say that there’s any better reality show than this one folks.
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Copyright 2011 MisfitWisdom RLV