A couple of months ago I got off on a tangent with “moron” jokes because Jon Huntsman used the term “moron” in a comment he made about pastor Robert Jeffres. (Jeffress depending on which web site you go to) He obviously has the same problem that Kadaffi, Guadffi, or Quadaffi had when it came to correctly spelling his own name. At least I don’t have to worry about spelling Moammar’s name anymore.
Come to think of it…..what the hell are those grave stone guys gonna do if they are hired to carve Moammys gravestone? WAIT! I forgot, they just took his body out to the middle of some Libyan desert, dug a hole, and apparently covered him up with some dirt. Hmmm….I sense a good line for a Libyan Mafia movie.
“Soooo Ahmad, where exactly did you bury our fearless leader?”
“Heh, Heh….he sleepa wid da ants.”
I know, I know, it was a lot more funnier when in the “Godfather” they said, “He sleeps with the fishes.” Gimmie a break here….we’re talkin’ about the desert. And you know how scarce fish are out there!
Anyhow, thinking of those moron jokes led me to think of the other jokes that were kicking around when I was a mere innocent child. Mainly, those “Confucious Says” jokes. They were one liners attributed to the famous Chinese philosopher and thinker who was philosoping (my own word) around 551 BC or somewhere thereabouts.
He was famous for saying stuff like, “Do not do unto others what you would not want done to yourself.”
Then various people came along over the centuries and added their own take on what Confucious said. Like myself, who sez, “Do unto others before they do unto you, and then cut out.”
So, I did some research and found a gazillion “Confucious Says” jokes that, I’m assuming, were not originally said by Confucious, I think, because he’s not around to verify if he actually said them, and who the hell kept accurate records of what he said anyhow back in 551 BC. Its not like Fox news was around to set things straight.
Anyhow, here are some of my favorite so-called Confucious sayings.
“Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk.” (obviously Confucious was a very observant baseball fan)
“Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.” (geez, I never thought of it that way before)
“Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.” (this goes for women too)
“A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow nose.” (this is true. but if you attempt this, be very careful of the beak factor in proximity to your eyeballs)
“Man who stick foot in mouth get athlete’s tongue.” (which is somewhat worse than athlete’s foot because you begin to talk like a jock….”I lift tings up and put dem down”)
“Man who fart in church sit in own pew.” (this is especially distressing if you happen to be in the center of the pew and can’t get out easily)
“Crowded elevator smell different to midgets.” (if ya think about this one you’ll eventually get it)
“Wife who put man in doghouse soon find him in cat house.” (and she can tell he’s been there when he comes back home by his purring sounds)
“He who crosses the ocean twice without washing is a dirty double crosser.” (this term was later adopted by the Mafia along with “you dirty double-crossing rat)
The phrase, “your mother wears combat boots” was not attributed to anything that Confucious said as far as I can determine. And only because I believe that combat boots were not around during his time. Combat sandals perhaps, but not boots. Otherwise we may have seen some Confucious sayings about combat boots.
(research did not turn up anything solid as to the “combat boot” phrase but I believe it has since evolved into “your momma”)
Confucious say its time to end this blog and venture off somewhere else.
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