Every year at this time someone writes something about the events that took place during the past year. The usual stuff like celebrity obits and the top news stories of the year. Much of which we were all trying to forget because it either depressed the hell outta us or, as in the case when a celebrity dies, reminds us that some day we’re going to be added to that list, but with no mention other than in our local paper, where, nobody will give a rats behind about. Which is one reason MY obit will NOT be in the paper.
I want all of my enemies to think I’m still alive and won’t give them the satisfaction of knowing I bought the ol farm.
Anyhow, one other list of things from 2011 is the top ten most memorable quotes as compiled by the Associated Press by John Christofferson. (no relation to Kris Kristofferson or Kris Kringle)
So I decided to scan these quotes and see which of them made the top ten list along with a few added notes of my own. As usual.
So, in order of appearance, as ranked by Mr. Christofferson, they are:
1. “We are the 99%.” Which of course were the Wall Street protesters. Obviously someone should have also included the quote, “Aghhhhhhhh!!!! You no good rotten SOB.” Which would have been one of those University of California protesters screaming at pepper spray cop Lt. John Pike.
2.”There is nobody in this country that got rich on his own. You built a factory out there – good for you. But I want to be clear. You moved your goods to the market on the roads the rest of us paid for. You hired workers the rest of us paid to educate. You were safe in your factory because of the police forces and fire forces that the rest of us paid for.” U.S. Senate Candidate Elizabeth Warren How about, you also took all of our money you no good rotten dirt bags by making products that we couldn’t live without like the iPod, iPad, Kindle, HDTV and Maxi pad. (I think I could live without that last one so I’ll cut them some slack on this one Liz)
3. “My friends and I have been coddled long enough by a billionaire friendly Congress” Billionaire Warren Buffett (no relation to Jimmy Buffett) Sooooo, if any of you out there have any aspirations of ever being coddled by a member of Congress you have to be a billionaire or…..a verrrrry sexy curvaceous woman who may or may not have a Twitter or Facebook account.
4. “I believe in evolution and trust scientists on global warming.” Presidential candidate Jon Huntsman. I for one agree with Jon due to the fact that since I’ve lost most of my hair, spend a lot of time in the sun, and tend to get a sunburn on my head, that global warming is indeed a problem. At least for bald men.
5. “Oops.” Presidential candidate Rick (duh) Perry. After unsuccessfully attempting to remember a third federal agency during a debate. “Hmmmm, was it the Department of Termite Control…no..um that wasn’t it…um…I got it….The Department of Ermine Control…..er…..I meant Energy Control, or um……Department of Control of something or other. Hey look, whatever it is, it should be abolished.”
6. “When they ask me who is the President of Ubeki-ubeki-ubeki-beki-stan stan, I’m going to say, You know, I don’t know.” Former Presidential candidate Herman Cain. Don’t worry Hermy, there is no such place so no one is ever going to ask you that question. However, if someone asks you who was Oliver’s partner just remember that it was Stan Laurel. This will prevent you from getting tripped up on that “stan stan” part again.
7. “I’m on a drug, it’s called Charlie Sheen.” Charlie Sheen actually said that Too bad the late Dr. Timothy Leary isn’t still around. He could have scrapped the LSD and tried some of whatever Charlie is on.
8. “Oh wow. Oh wow. Oh wow.” The late Steve Jobs final last words. Obviously none of us will ever know why Steve said those last words. One can only imagine. My guess is that he finally discovered how to hack into Gods’ computer at that very last moment. OR…that God chooses whose time it is to buy the farm on an Apple computer.
9. “I can’t say it with certitude.” Former Rep. Anthony Weiner commenting on whether lewd photographs on the Internet were in fact him. Geeeez Antny….if it was MY crotch on the internet I’d know for certitude if it was mine! It’s my distinctive “BVD’s” with the saying “open here” printed on the front.
10. “Instead of receiving help that she had hoped for, Mr. Cain instead decided to provide her with his idea of a stimulus package.” Lawyer Gloria Allard discussing the alleged sexual harassment of her client. This might not have gotten so out of hand had Mr. Cain’s stimulus package included a large “Godfathers” pizza fully loaded. I guess he figured he was fully loaded enough.
So there ya have it folks. The “Associated Press” list of the top ten most memorable quotes from 2011.
Damn….I wish the AP had been around many many years ago and listed some even more memorable quotes.
Like General George Custer’s last words at Little Big Horn: “Holy cow…..look at all those f***king Indians.”
Or……..Tonto and the Lone Ranger: ‘Tonto, holy cow, how are we gonna fight off all those f**king Indians.”
“What do ya mean “WE” white man?”
And of course my favorite: “Other than that Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?”
(“I’ll catch some flack for that last one, but WTF!”) (my own memorable quote)
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