Maybe I shouldn’t have said, “cheapskate” because some of these gifts suggested in an article by Esquire’s Eli Epstein I’d personally like. Then again, if I were to give someone any one of these gifts I’ve listed from the article, they might think “I’m” a cheapskate. Only because most of these suggested gifts are not expensive and I have a lot of friends who expect expensive stuff because they think I’m loaded with cash. Which I’m not.
Even if I were loaded with cash I’d still give those bozos gifts from this list. Because, in reality, I AM a cheapskate. I’m so cheap that if I could find a way to recycle toilet paper, I would. I’m soooo cheap I turn off the stove between flipping pancakes to save electricity. You get the point.
Anyhow, I chose a few of the items in the article that I thought would be perfect gifts to give to your friends and loved ones that might give them the impression that you really aren’t a cheapskate. Even though you might be.
The book entitled, “A Taxonomy of Wrestler Names.” ($25) This is the perfect give to give to a fan of wrestling who has CRS. Don’t wanna run into a wrestler and forget his damn name and be totally embarrassed.
“Saaaaaay, aren’t you Hulk Morgan?”
(by the way, “taxonomy” means, “the department of knowledge that embodies the laws and principles of classification.” Which means if that wrestling book is as complicated as that definition of “taxonomy” you better buy a dictionary as a secondary gift to go along with it)
“New York Walls Notebook,” ($17) lists neat places you can find in New York to doodle on walls. I would think that the followup book that you could give as a gift the following year would be, “New York City Walls Notebook List of Excuses That I Told The Cops When They Arrested Me For Defacing Public Property.”
“James The Bookend” ($22) is obviously a “bookend” ya dummies. What else did you think it was. Geez. Anyhow, James is a neat bookend that obviously holds up your books on your bookshelf, that is, if you actually have a bookshelf, otherwise you have to go to someplace like “IKEA,” buy a damn bookcase, or shelf, ($50 to $75) and then put James on it to hold up your books. Might just be cheaper to buy a “Kindle.” Ya think?
“The Enigmatic Life Of Walter Payton,” ($17.85) Good gift if you know someone who doesn’t have a life of their own and needs to see what having a life is really like.
“Vinyl Frames,” ($17.25) is a book that features album covers. You know, those things that records used to come in. Records….you know, those things made out of vinyl that had a bunch of grooves in them and you played them on a record player. Um….record player, you know. That thing that you used to play those vinyl record things on. Um….neverrrrr mind….forget it.
“The Takeout Menu Organizer,” ($20) This is an organizer that allows you to keep track of the take out items you ordered over a period of time and any other information related to your dining experience. Perfect gift for the person who has waaaay too much time on their hands and has absolutely no social life or friends to speak of.
My favorite gift on the list was, “The Great American Pin Up,” ($20) which has reproductions of some famous pin ups. (pin ups are NOT photos of a seamstress or tailor altering a pair of pants or a dress) Sometimes you have to be perfectly clear on these explanations folks. Trust me on this one.
Finally, there’s the “Vintage 2012 Wall Calendar,” ($22) which has vintage images on it from 2012. Um, wait…..that can’t be right. We’re not even in 2012 yet so how can they be vintage images? Hmmmmm. I think they’re images from the past but the calendar is for 2012. OR…..the calendar maker figured the Mayans were right and that the world will end in December of 2012 so the “vintage” images are of us in present time just to remind all of us that it will all be gone when the world comes to an end…..at which point, when aliens discover our ruins, it WILL be of vintage images,……………. to them.
So there ya have it. Some of the gifts I selected, along with “Esquire,” as suggestions that you could give as Christmas presents this year.
Don’t bother giving me any of them though. I already have most or facsimiles of these gifts. Wrestler names I got from those annoying TV ads so that I could send them hate mail. The N.Y. Wall Notebook is kinda outdated for me because I do all of my graffiti writing on Connecticut and R.I walls to save on gas. I have a “Lady Ga Ga” bookend so I don’t need James the Bookend to hold up my book. (I only have one book) I do not actually have any books on Walter Payton, but I figure it this way. Why should I give a book as a gift about Payton’s life and give it to someone knowing damn well Payton would never buy my book about MY life and give it to someone as a gift.
(Jussssst in case you DO wanna give my book as a gift to someone you hate, it’s called, “I Could Have Been Famous But, Sex, Love and Life Got In The Way.” (Amazon.com)
The “Vinyl Frames” book I do not need because, (sigh) I HAVE the actual vinyl and can just go down in my basement and stare at all the vinyl I want to. The “Great American Pin Up” book I don’t need either. Which is why I subscribe to “Playboy.” The “Take Out Menu Organizer” book would be fine, but, I never take anything out because by the time I get to “Burger King” or “McDonald’s” I’m so freakin’ hungry I eat it there. AND….two hours later forgot what it was I ate. So how could I keep an organizer on what I ate.
YES….I have CRS.
Finally, that “2012 Vintage Wall Calendar.” It wouldn’t actually be “vintage” to me because if I’m old enough to remember when Mustangs were first introduced and remember when Betty White was a hot babe, those vintage photos are gonna be real life to me and not vintage. Cripes….I’M VINTAGE!!!!
(DONATE) The vintage MisfitWisdom PayPal link is listed below. Just a hint if you’d like to give the perfect gift. CASH! If it is not highlighted, copy and paste it into your browser and it will take you to present day PayPal. Ah yes….cash….the perfect gift. And remember folks, NOBODY returns THAT perfect gift. Um….unless its counterfeit.
Copyright 2011 MisfitWisdom RLV