I came across an article that usually appears regularly this time of the year. It’s a breakdown of how much the items in the song, “The Twelve Days Of Christmas” would cost you if you had to go out and purchase every one of them. It amounted to over $100,000. Who in their right mind would go out and spend that kind of money on all of that stupid stuff anyhow? Besides Newt Gingrich.
I mean, even if I had the money to buy all of this stuff, I’d have to be out of my freakin’ mind. For instance:
Why would I want a damn partridge in a pear tree sitting in my living room making all kinds of shrieking noises, pooping on my rug and driving my cats crazy. Doesn’t make any sense to me.
Twelve drummers drumming. Oh sure, and my damn neighbors would be calling the cops in a heartbeat. Not to mention the number of Aleve pills I’d have to pop,
And those 11 pipers a piping. PIPE this ya jerks. Do ya think I need 11 pipers piping whatever it is they pipe on in my living room along with a bunch of guys drumming and a damn partridge squawking. NO!
On top of all that, you’ve got some sick SOB sending you 10 lords a leaping all over the place along with 9 ladies dancing, apparently in an effort to avoid being leaped on by those lord guys who also might be ogling those 8 maids doing some sort of milking with an unmentioned animal, most likely a goat or a cow, while you’re attempting to watch your favorite TV show. WTF!
And it gets even worse. 7 freakin’ swans a swimming in Gawd knows what. Six geese a laying while those swans are swimming all over the place. And if those geese are laying eggs, you can just imagine the mess with swans swimming, then spotting those eggs, and yelling, “DINNER!!!” Not a pretty sight.
Now the 5 gold rings I can somewhat understand. I mean, gold is worth a few bucks so, you could keep one or two and pawn the rest and make a killing. Seems like the only thing on this list that’s worth receiving. Although a nice watch to compliment the gold rings might be in order.
Now I have no idea what the hell calling birds are. And there’s 4 of them. But, if UPS or FedEx came knocking at my door with a crate full of birds telling me that they had to call someone, because, I guess, that’s what calling birds do, I’d tell the guy to take them all to the nearest pay phone and let them make their calls there. (do they still have pay phones?)
Then, to make matters even worse, along come 3 damn French hens. What the hell is with THAT! Imported hens from France! Do you have any idea what the hell imported French hens cost? No wonder it’s costing over $100,000 to buy all of these things. Geez….send me a freakin’ lottery ticket and those gold rings and I’d be happy. But French hens!
Finally, besides the swans, geese, calling birds, the French hens and that dumb partridge sitting in that stupid tree, along comes the final straw. Two stinkin’ turtle doves! Who the hell, besides a serial killer, would send all of this stuff to ANYONE!!
Do you have any idea what the hell your house would look like with all them damn birds and other animals cavorting all over the place? Geez, it would take “Servicemaster” weeks just to clean up all the bird s**t. Then the health authorities in your town would be knocking on your door and slapping you with a huge fine for animal cruelty or something. Then you’re on the 10 o’clock news with cameras everywhere as the cops lead you out in handcuffs while the ASPCA loads all of those animals into a truck while your neighbors stand around shaking their heads and commenting to the press:
“Oh my, he was such a quiet guy. Never caused any problems. But my husband and I did think it was kinda strange that he always had feathers stuck to his clothes and, oh my, those strange women dressed in Polish outfits wearing rubber gloves constantly emptying pails of something in his backyard.”
I personally, with the exception of the gold rings, would not accept any of these items from any delivery guy knocking at my door. No way! So if any of you out there have any ideas of sending me any of this stuff for Christmas, I’ll track you all down and beat the livin’ crap outta you.
On the other hand, if you have a spare $100,000 just lying around, why waste it on a bunch of animals and some ungrateful lords, pipers, maids, drummers, ladies, and a bunch smelly birds when you can just mail me a check and let me pick out my own gift.
I know a very good place that has ladies leaping down in the big city, and a hundred thousand dollars will sure get me a lot of leaping time….heh heh.
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