Once upon a time in a far far away land called “Mediaville” when Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore got married, I, for one, went out on a limb and predicted that their marriage would not last. Do I want a feather in my ol cap for predicting that? Nope. I’m quite satisfied just having a sixth sense about these things.
Namely, when a young guy marries an older woman chances are it’s not going to last. Same results if a younger woman marries an older guy….unless he’s Hugh Hefner, unless he’s verrrrry rich and has a will leaving everything to his wife, or, if he’s got one foot on a banana peel and the other mistakenly on his oxygen tank hose and is having trouble breathing.
In those instances they might just last…….until one partner croaks.
In the case of Ashton and Demi, I couldn’t see the attraction. Unless Ashton was attracted to Demi after seeing her naked in the movie, “The Stripper” and lusted after her hard body. And Demi figured, hey, what the hell, enjoy a young stud while ya can.
But, at some point in an age difference relationship not only will gravity take over but the other part of growing old……or “parts.” You know….sagging, aches and pains, the “not tonight dear” syndrome, and the worst of it all, HAIR!! Yep, stinkin’ hair growing out of parts of your body where hair isn’t supposed to grow.
I think it’s God’s way of saying to people who do not believe in evolution, “Oh yeah…well look at yourself now and then look at a picture of an ape ya dumb jerk.”
Hair just seems to sprout everywhere on your body once you’ve passed a certain age. Usually after 55. Except on mens heads, where it’s supposed to be growing. What places? I’ll tell ya. Ears, in and out, noses, in and out. On your chest, which isn’t really bad for a man, BUT, it’s a real problem for a woman with cleavage.
Then there’s the generation gap issue. Now Ashton is 33 while Demi is 49. Soooo, when Ashton is 49, Demi will be around 65. WHAMMO! Out come the hairs on Demi, and the ultimate sagging of vital body parts, while Ashton still looks really good and the chicks are ogling him.
Do ya think that perhaps Demi was showing signs of aging which may have led Ashton to seek out other women, henceforth and forsooth why they’re getting, as Tammy Wynette so aptly put it, a, D-I-V-O-R-C-E.
Now I for one can attest to the solid relationship one can have if you are in a relationship with someone of your own age or damn near close to your age. First of all my other half understands the hair thing. And I understand the saggy thing….or things. Nooooo problem there folks. Ya just learn to adjust.
I keep a good stock of tweezers and a sharpened state of the art scissors to combat the onslaught of unwanted hair while my other half has a really neat rope and pulley system to take on the sagging problem. Underwire bras also help but does not really prevent sagging once they’re freed from constraint. Plus, you can’t really wear underwire bras during a severe thunderstorm lest you get zapped by a bolt of lightning which sometimes encourages hair to grow.
Then there’s the communication aspect. Obviously if you’re going to have an intelligent conversation with your spouse or girlfriend, you want to make sense. Like in Ashton’s and Demi’s case.
Ashton may have said to Demi in commenting about current music, “Hey, I really like Dr. Dre.”
And Demi may have responded, “Dr. Dre? I thought your proctologist was Dr. Ben Dover.”
And of course, as one ages, a crucial part of existing once you’re past 50 is the necessity to recharge your batteries, so to speak, and catch a quick afternoon nap. Demi may have already gotten to that point, while Ashton may have not. So while HIS batteries were fully charged and raring to go, Demi’s were in need of a recharge. Sooooo, it’s not like Ashton could actually jump-start her…..or her bones. (ya have to visualize what I’m talking about here folks)
Finally, there’s the other part of the aging process. DEATH! Which of course is nature’s way of telling you to slow down. Prior to death of course is the other terrible part…..wrinkles. Ashton may have, in an intimate moment, attempted to caress Demi’s body in certain areas and mistaken a wrinkle for a sensitive part. Which is why my other half and I label our body parts and always use a flashlight.
Not only does that work, but saves time too. It’s not easy staying awake during those intimate moments if it takes too long to find those crucial body parts.
(my apologies to any younger people reading this blog who may be experiencing nausea)
So, all in all I knew the relationship between Demi and Ashton wouldn’t last. Just like I know Ashton’s series, “Two and a Half Idiots” won’t last. Just doesn’t fit. Ashton’s no Charlie Sheen. Just like Demi’s no Spring chicken.
Um, Demi, I still think you’re hot.
Might wanna give Bruce Willis a call.
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