I can never understand percentages. Even when shopping I have to whip out the old cell phone calculator to determine how much of a deal I’m getting when they tell me I’m getting a certain percentage off of an item. Why can’t it just be simple.
“Hey buddy, buy this here pair of Fruit of The Loom briefs that sell for $8.99 and we’ll give ya 20% off.”
“WOW….twenty percent off…holy crotch sweat! Um, so how much is twenty percent off ?”
Can’t it be just, “Hey, buy these “Jockey” briefs, (mentioned Jockey because I don’t wanna just plug Fruit of the Looms……. ok, ok, Hanes, BVD’s too) “Hey, buy these (brand name) briefs for $8.99 and knock off a dollar.” How simple is THAT!
But nooooooo. Everything has to be in percentages. Which is why I’m having trouble figuring out what percentage category I fall into when it comes to the 99% vs the 1% in these Occupy Wall Street protests.
Am I a full 99% or somewhere down the percentage scale, say like maybe 68% or 55% or even lower? I know I’m not in the 1% because I drive a 1999 Dodge Ram and my other half drives a 1995 Dodge Spirit. Both of which are banned from driving into the parking lot of any exclusive country club.
So that means that I’m definitely somewhere between 50% and 99%. So, mathematically I have to somehow figure out just exactly where it is I fit in. Considering I flunked math in high school, this may prove to be a bit difficult.
(note to all those kids who laughed at me when the teacher called me up to the blackboard to do a math problem in high school and I freaked out….if they had decent calculators back then I wouldn’t be in the 50 to 99 percent ya damn SOB’s)
By the way, I checked out my yearbook, searched for some people on Facebook who were really good at math in high school, and some of them turned out to be deadbeats in life. So there! How’s that smartass math workin’ out for ya?
So, back to where I stand in the 99% category. I’m retired, barely make ends meet, have those two old vehicles, write books that nobody gives a rats ass about, write a blog that never gets anyone to donate, have five freeloading cats, have to venture out a few times a week to get a free donut at a local casino but can’t afford to play a slot machine, re-cycle toilet paper, (actually I don’t but I thought that would create a bit of sympathy for me) the last time I ate out at a really good restaurant was in 2001, (Burger King)….hey, to me THAT’s a really good restaurant. At least on my income.
So, by now I must be in the 55% range….don’t ya think. Um, let’s see…….
I don’t have to concern myself about a job because as I said, I’m retired but, if I had to find a job, I’m too old and no one would hire me anyhow, not to mention the competition out there for anyone looking for a job, (Romney, Perry, Bachmann, Newt, Paul, Cain, Santorum) so that alone boosts me up to about 65%.
I can’t afford to have a savings account, buy a new HDTV, enjoy a banana split even if I got a discount by eliminating the banana, and I’ve discontinued my lawn mowing service because I couldn’t afford it so I cut it myself one swath of grass per day due to the fact that I usually need someone to perform CPR on me if I attempt to cut more than one row of grass with my lawn mower. That brings me up to 75%.
I GOT IT!!!! TAXES!!!
I pay taxes. Eureka!! I hardly have any money left after I pay my monthly bills from my SS check and I STILL have to pay taxes on EVERYTHING!!!! Corporations and banks, (GE, Bank of America) pay no taxes and they probably get their banana splits with the banana. I made it! I’m one of the 99%. Wall Street here I come with my protest sign.
Um….wait a sec. I can’t afford to drive to Wall Street. RATS!
Hmmmm…..does that now mean I’m actually at 100%?
(DONATE) The MisfitWisdom wonderful supercalafragalistic PayPal donate link is below. If it is not highlighted, simply copy and paste it into your browser and it will take you to the PayPal site where you can donate any amount that you so desire. Even a measly dollar. Surely you can donate one stinkin’ dollar, which will automatically put me back into the 99% range rather than the 100% rank that I’m at now. I’d rather you donate one dollar rather than, say, hundreds, because then I’d be in the 1% category at which point, if I got too many $100 dollar donations, I wouldn’t have to pay taxes, like the wealthy do, and then, I wouldn’t be able to do any protesting.
Copyright 2011 MisfitWisdom RLV