Yesterday I wrote about people I’d personally like to see on a “bucket list.” I failed to include debt collectors. This was an oversight on my part because I do not have any debts that are overdue because I can’t afford to buy anything so that I’d actually owe anybody in the first place.
Note to anyone issuing credit. If ya want to insure a debt collectors job you might want to give me a few credit cards so that I can go out and buy tons of stuff, not be able to keep up with my payments, then get calls from debt collectors, thereby guaranteeing them a secure job.
Hey, jobs, jobs, jobs, isn’t that what every politician is screaming about creating! I just wanna do my part.
Anyhow, debt collectors rank high on my list of sleaze ball scum of the earth pig sty human being slugs. My apologies to any pigs in stys that are reading this.
“Readers Digest” this month had an article entitled, “Ten Secrets of Debt Collectors.” I thought the first secret was that they owe money and most likely call themselves to collect a debt. Kinda like self-satisfaction, except they use a telephone to harass everyone and do not do it from a bathroom with a magazine in their hands. I could be wrong.
So what are some of these earth shattering secrets?
1. They are taught that all debtors are compulsive liars. Hmmmm….this can only mean that most of the people they call are politicians.
2. They are told that they are a vital part of keeping the cash flow going in this country. Obviously they need to go to Washington, D.C. and help settle the national deficit. I believe there is a cash flow problem going on there guys.
“Hello….is this John Bohner….this is Clevis Ferswankle from the “In Your Face Debt Collection Agency” and I’m calling to collect a debt the U.S. Government owes to Social Security.”
“WHAT! OMG!! I’m soooo sorry….did we overlook the fact that we never paid that money back into Social Security. Boo hoo….sniff, sniff, honk!!”
“No need to cry Mr. Bohner, we can work something out. We’re very compassionate people ya know. Do ya have any friends over in Pakistan that could lend you a few million bucks so that you can settle up your debt?”
Yeah….like that’s gonna happen…………..onward…..
3. They have heard every tale you could possibly tell them.
Give em this one the next time they call you. “Oh hi Mr. debt collector…..so yer callin’ me to collect a debt. Hold on a sec…..let me put down this axe and clean off the blood splatter all over my phone…heh heh….just got through hacking up some jerk that came to my door attempting to collect a debt….soooooo, what did you say your name was again?”
4. The more money they get the bigger their bonus. I bet. Call ME you suckers and it will be a cold day in hell before you ever get ANY bonus. Or, you could tell the guy on the phone, “Say, if I pay up, are ya gonna get a big bonus?” If he says “yes.” Then reply…”Oops….looks like it’s gonna be a bad day for you bonus wise fella.”
5. They have the power to wipe out thousands of dollars on your debt. Are able to leap tall buildings in a single bound and are faster than a speeding bullet too. Actually they can do this…but, will not usually tell you unless they’ve exhausted all other means. Like putting you on that torture rack, stretching you out till you pay up, or kidnapping your dog or cat until they get what they want.
6. They can also get other agencies to buy your debt for pennies on the dollar so you can then negotiate with those agencies to settle your debt at a lower cost. Or simply leave the country, live under an alias, and enjoy life without dealing with any of these people.
7. They also have a routine you see on crime shows called, “good cop, bad cop.” In this case, “good debt collector, bad debt collector.” The bad debt collector hassles you till you cry and the good debt collector give you a handkerchief. Such compassion.
8. Check the statue of limitations in your state to see if what you owe can no longer be collected because you manage to dodge those dirtbags for years. Moving a lot and using a fake name helps.
9. They are trained to take your application if you decide to settle. My response to this: “No S**T Dick Tracy.” They actually needed to print that in this article. Like, why would this guy be calling me if he wasn’t trained to do that? Do they have untrained people working for them that can’t do that? Are most of them trained to go to the bathroom on paper?
10. They love calling people at work because it puts those people under pressure. Really! I never would have guessed that one folks. The simple solution to that is to quit your job thereby eliminating the possibility of debt collectors calling you at work. Which is what I think is the main reason no one is paying their bills. Because they quit their jobs due to the harassing debt collector phone calls. Which means that they no longer could pay their bills. Which is the reason they now get calls at home instead of at work…..which is how all this debt collection stuff started in the first place.
So, there ya have it. The ten secrets, which are no longer secrets, of debt collectors. Soon to be a movie and available on Blue Ray DVD.
My secrets for dealing with debt collectors. 1. Let every single call, with the exception of Publishers Clearing House, go into your answering machine. 2. Make a recording for your answering machine that has an Italian speaking guy with a deep voice say the following:
“Allo, dis is the (your residence) and if youse is a debt collector, or that
other guy who keeps calling and asking if the coast is clear, I know where youse is located. So stop makin’ these calls or a big guy named “Guido” is gonna come over there and collect your gonads for my fireplace mantel collection.”
My guess is that you won’t receive any more calls. And, if by chance you do, it will be from some debt collector with a verrrrry high pitched voice who hasn’t learned his lesson yet.
(DONATE) The PayPal donate link is below. If it is not highlighted, copy and paste it into your browser. If you do not donate, no debt collector will ever call or harass you in any manner. However, if you’re that guy who keeps calling Guido’s house and asking if the coast is clear, sorry, can’t help ya there.
Copyright 2011 MisfitWisdom RLV