Secrets Of Debt Collectors. Um….ya mean they owe money too?

Yesterday I wrote about people I’d personally like to see on a “bucket list.” I failed to include debt collectors.  This was an oversight on my part because I do not  have any debts that are overdue because I can’t afford to buy anything so that I’d actually owe anybody in the first place.

Note to anyone issuing credit. If ya want to insure a debt collectors job you might want to give me a few credit cards so that I can go out and buy tons of stuff, not be able to keep up with my payments, then get calls from debt collectors, thereby guaranteeing them a secure job.

Hey, jobs, jobs, jobs, isn’t that what every politician is screaming about creating! I just wanna do my part.

Anyhow, debt collectors rank high on my list of sleaze ball scum of the earth pig sty human being slugs.  My apologies to any pigs in stys that are  reading this.

“Readers Digest” this month had an article entitled, “Ten Secrets of Debt Collectors.” I thought the first secret was that they owe money and most likely call themselves to collect a debt.  Kinda like self-satisfaction, except they use a telephone to harass everyone and do not do it from a bathroom with a magazine in their hands.  I could be wrong.

So what are some of these earth shattering secrets?

1. They are taught that all debtors are compulsive liars.  Hmmmm….this can only mean that most of the people they call are politicians.

2. They are told that they are a vital part of keeping the cash flow going in this country.  Obviously they need to go to Washington, D.C. and help settle the national deficit.  I believe there is a cash flow problem going on there guys.

“Hello….is this John Bohner….this is Clevis Ferswankle from the “In Your Face Debt Collection Agency” and I’m calling to collect a debt the U.S. Government owes to Social Security.”

“WHAT!  OMG!! I’m soooo sorry….did we overlook the fact that we never paid that money back into Social Security. Boo hoo….sniff,  sniff, honk!!”

“No need to cry Mr. Bohner, we can work something out. We’re very compassionate people ya know.  Do ya have any friends over in Pakistan that could lend you a few million bucks so that you can settle up your debt?”

Yeah….like that’s gonna happen…………..onward…..

3. They have heard every tale you could possibly tell them.

Give em this one the next time they call you. “Oh hi Mr. debt collector… yer callin’ me to collect a debt.  Hold on a sec…..let me put down this axe and clean off the blood splatter all over my phone…heh heh….just got through hacking up some jerk that came to my door attempting to collect a debt….soooooo, what did you say your name was again?”

4. The more money they get the bigger their bonus.  I bet.  Call ME you suckers and it will be a cold day in hell before you ever get ANY bonus. Or, you could tell the guy on the phone, “Say, if I pay up, are ya gonna get a big bonus?”   If he says “yes.” Then reply…”Oops….looks like it’s gonna be a bad day for you bonus wise fella.”

5. They have the power to wipe out thousands of dollars on your debt.  Are able to leap tall buildings in a single bound and are faster than a speeding bullet too. Actually they can do this…but, will not usually tell you unless they’ve exhausted all other means.  Like putting you on that torture rack, stretching you out till you pay up, or kidnapping your dog or cat until they get what they want.

6. They can also get other agencies to buy your debt for pennies on the dollar so you can then negotiate with those agencies to settle your debt at a lower cost. Or simply leave the country, live under an alias, and enjoy life without dealing with any of these people.

7. They also have a routine you see on crime shows called, “good cop, bad cop.” In this case, “good debt collector, bad debt collector.”  The bad debt collector hassles you till you cry and the good debt collector give you a handkerchief. Such compassion.

8. Check the statue of limitations in your state to see if what you owe can no longer be collected because you manage to dodge those dirtbags for years. Moving a lot and using a fake name helps.

9. They are trained to take your application if you decide to settle. My response to this: “No S**T Dick Tracy.”  They actually needed to print that in this article. Like, why would this guy be calling me if he wasn’t trained to do that?  Do they have untrained people working for them that can’t do that?  Are most of them trained to go to the bathroom on paper?

10. They love calling people at work because it puts those people under pressure. Really!  I never would have guessed that one folks.  The simple solution to that is to quit your job thereby eliminating the possibility of debt collectors calling you at work.  Which is what I think is the main reason no one is paying their bills. Because they quit their jobs due to the harassing debt collector phone calls. Which means that they no longer could pay their bills.  Which is the reason they now get calls at home instead of at work…..which is how all this debt collection stuff started in the first place.

So, there ya have it. The ten secrets, which are no longer secrets, of debt collectors.  Soon to be a movie and available on Blue Ray DVD.

My secrets for dealing with debt collectors. 1. Let every single call, with the exception of Publishers Clearing House, go into your answering machine. 2. Make a recording for your answering machine that has an Italian speaking guy with a deep voice say the following:

“Allo, dis is the (your residence) and if youse is a debt collector, or that

Guido Franzapapalazo. If he's at your front door, and you're a debt collector who's been calling his house.......nice knowin' ya!

other guy who keeps calling and asking if the coast is clear, I know where youse is located. So stop makin’ these calls or a big guy named “Guido” is gonna come over there and collect your gonads for my fireplace mantel collection.”

My guess is that you won’t receive any more calls. And, if by chance you do, it will be from some debt collector with a verrrrry high pitched voice who hasn’t learned his lesson yet.


(DONATE) The PayPal donate link is below. If it is not highlighted, copy and paste it into your browser.  If you do not donate, no debt collector will ever call or harass you in any manner. However, if you’re that guy who keeps calling Guido’s house and asking if the coast is clear, sorry, can’t help ya there.

Copyright 2011 MisfitWisdom RLV


About misfit120

Former disc jockey, (Dick Jones) 30 years, and author of, "I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way" available at books, & Kindle, "The Covert Chamber" a mystery novel available at and Barnes & Noble, and "Forgotten" the story of two WWI pilots who were forgotten for over 70 years available on and Kindle
This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

1 Response to Secrets Of Debt Collectors. Um….ya mean they owe money too?

  1. RBDC says:

    How to reverse boycott debt collectors.

    When a debt collector/debt collection/debt buyer company can repeatedly call with the intent of getting money their customers can repeatedly answer or call back with the intent of not giving them any. They need people to pay with as little talk as possible. They don’t want to talk with people who know they are never going to pay. Be all talk and no pay. Answer when convenient. Call back. Give no information. Verify nothing. Ask as many questions as you can. Answer none.

    Don’t ignore/block/report them. It doesn’t work. These folks want you to ignore them for as long as you can stand to or until you give them something valuable like money or information. Ignoring them is being their good customer. Sending a cease and desist is giving information. It lets them know you are still alive and remain their good customer. Preparing to initiate unlikely individual legal battles is being their good customer.

    Be their bad customer. Make them talk to you fruitlessly for as long as they can stand to or until they stop selecting you as their customer. These companies cannot spend seconds much less minutes on the phone with every person who will never send them a dime. But they don’t know who that is. You do. That knowledge is power. Every second you can keep their staff on the phone will render their business less profitable giving them a reason to never call you again.

    Calling will not reset your SOL. Making a partial payment will.

    One person who does this likes to ask general questions they should but usually won’t answer, “May I have the name and address of your agent for service of process?” Calmly and slowly ask them to spell every word in the address. Read it back for verification. Control the pace. If they are rushing then politely ask them to slowly repeat. “Are you a corporation and if so in which state are you incorporated?” Repeat your questions when you don’t get direct answers. When they won’t answer a question ask, “Would you like to comply with the business and professions codes of your state?” That is usually the point when they hang up on me but if they say they want to comply then begin your questions again.

    Repeat while you have the spare time. These folks have many victims and few operators. If everyone calls back but pays nothing the mass auto-dialer business model becomes unprofitable. Don’t aid and comfort the enemy by ignoring them. Call! Have a nice long slow friendly chat! Make them hang up first.

    Press 2 for Spanish.

    There are certainly enough victims to take down debt collectors so ignoring/blocking seems downright Orwellian. Really? We’re just going to passively submit and go with a block list or however we manage ignoring an endless stream of unwanted phone calls day after day? No! Unite or remain conquered. Answer/return every call – become well practiced at keeping these folks on the phone – or count yourself not amongst the free.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s