Yep, in the non-binding “who gives a rats ass because it doesn’t mean anything” straw poll that took place this past weekend in Florida, pizza executive Herman Cain won an upset victory over the big guy, Rick Perry taking 37% of the votes cast.
However there were only 2,657 votes cast due to the fact that most people living in Florida are either retired or dead. So, I guess if you get 37% of the vote you should consider yourself damn lucky.
Perry got 15% of the vote with Mitt Romney right on his cow poke tail with 14%. The other candidates were way back in the pack registering too low on the Richter Scale to cause anyone to panic. Namely, Rick (why am I not in a sanitarium) Santorum, Ron (hey, can’t anybody see or hear me) Paul, Jon (who am I again?) Huntsman, Newt (hello babeee, wanna piece of candy) Gingrich, and Michelle (where the hell are my platform spiked heels) Bachmann.
It’s somewhat surprising that Cain won the straw poll considering that Floridians have no freakin’ idea what straw actually is and can only relate to a poll that has some sort of hanging chad thingy associated with it. Or comes with a senior discount.
“Martha, what is it we’re supposed to do today in this here straw thingy get together?”
“Honey, I think it has something to do with senior discounts and free soft drinks and they’re gonna hand out free patriotic straws for us to keep.”
“FREE!!! FREE!!! Hell….lets get the hell over there now Martha!”
Now Herman Cain ran the “Godfather’s Pizza” chain so running in a Florida straw poll and having a connection to the Godfather, or ANY Godfather for that matter, might have given him an edge. We all know that most retired Godfathers settle down in Florida in peaceful pink flamingo studded lawn neighborhoods after retiring from Godfathering.
And we all know that most, if not all Godfathers are Italian, and, even though Herman may not be Italian himself, still has that pizza connection which automatically gives him an in with retired Italian Godfathers. Not to mention that his pizza chain is also called “Godfathers.”
I’m assuming that Cain is not Italian due to the fact that most Italians associated with Godfathers…um…..the Mafia Godfathers and not the pizza Godfathers, have neat middle names that are assigned to them depending on their line of work within the Godfather community. Like Frank “Meatball” Bellantoni, Joseph “Junior Lollipops” Carna, Luigi “Baby Shacks” Mannocchio, Benjamin “The Claw” Castellazzo, Anthony “Tony Bagels” Cavezza, and Dicky “The Nose” Vittorioso.
Um…wait…..that last one is actually one I made up for myself just in case I ever made it into the Mafia. Figured with the size of my nose I’d sooner pick out my own name rather than have some Godfather stick me with something like Dickie “The Schnozz” or something.
So all in all you can see why Herman Cain had sort of an edge when it came
to the Florida straw poll. Godfather connection….free straws…..seniors….retired Godfathers……and of course pink flamingos, which, is a necessity in Florida if you’re a senior, retired and into Frank Sinatra, The Rat Pack, Oceans Eleven and over the hill gun molls.
We still have a lot more insignificant straw polls to endure before the actual last straw. Might be a good idea to simply use sippy cups until all this straw stuff is over and done with. I’m personally going to go for the gold and drink straight from the cup until November 2012 and we find out who actually is going to be our next comic strip Presidential leader.
If it turns out to be Herman “Godfather” Cain or Perry, Romney, Paul, Gingrich, Hunstman, Bachmann or Carmine “Biga Balls” Frattazatto who runs against Obama, I can then go back to peacefully sipping from a straw without someone making a big deal out of it.
If someone does……that’ll be the last straw….”POW….right to the moon Alice!”
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