Meals To Die For…..Literally.

Ever hear that old saying, “Geez…I’d die for a piece of strawberry shortcake right now.” Or any other mouth-watering dessert or food that you have a craving for. Well, that’s become a reality…..if you’re on death row in Texas.  That is, up until last week when one guy on death row screwed up the works for any other prisoner who’s on death row.

A prominent state Senator complained about the excessive meal request by an inmate on death row who was scheduled to be put to death for a murder. Now all excessive meal requests are being denied.  Unless it’s just simple a meal request like meatloaf or a fried egg sandwich or something. My guess.

Last week, condemned prisoner Lawrence Russell Brewer was scheduled to be executed by Texas authorities.  Following the long tradition of granting death row inmates their final last meal requests, Brewer was allowed to choose his last meal.

Now personally, if I were on death row and knew that I was gonna be executed the following morning would absolutely have no appetite whatsoever. In fact, I think I’d be spending most of my time pooping my brains out because my stomach would be so upset and in knots. But, then again, I think it takes a different kind of person to wind up on death row, maybe one with a stomach made of cast iron.

(NOTE) If you are leery of someone who appears to look strange and think they could be a serial killer or rapist you may be able to determine this by observing the amount of food they eat.  This is a sure-fire method of determining the difference between a normal person and a murderer.

I base this on Brewer’s last meal request which was the following: two chicken fried steaks, a triple-meat bacon cheeseburger, fried okra, a pound of barbecue, three fajitas, a meat lovers pizza, a pint of ice cream and a slab of peanut butter fudge.

I think he just ordered this stuff to piss off the Texas authorities because he never ate any of it.  Either that, or he figured that if he did eat all that stuff he’d be passing some serious gas and the rest of the death row inmates would hate his freakin’ guts.

“Geeez man….what the hell did YOU eat!!!”

If you want further proof that rapists, murderers and criminals on death row can be spotted by what they eat, here’s another example.  Last week inmate Steven Woods requested two lbs of bacon, a large four-meat pizza, four fried chicken breasts, 2 drinks each of Mountain Dew, Pepsi and root beer, and sweet tea along with two pints of ice cream, five chicken fried steaks, two hamburgers with bacon, fries and a dozen garlic bread sticks with marinara sauce on the side.

Two hours later he was executed.  I think he might have been executed that quickly due to the fact that the other inmates were complaining about the fart factor after he ate all of that food.  Which is completely understandable.

One inmate even requested dirt for his last meal. Not sure if his request was granted.

Then there was one former inmate who seized on the opportunity to make a fortune by putting out his own cookbook after sampling much of the food while he was incarcerated. His book was called: “Meals To Die For” and had such mouth-watering dishes that one would die for….literally.  Some of his creations:  “Gallows Gravy,” “Rice Rigor Mortis,” and my all time favorite, “Old Sparky’s Genuine Convict Chili,”…..YUM!!!

So there ya have if folks.  Another MisfitWisdom learning experience. And what have we learned today?

Well, we all learned that if you’re on death row in Texas, you can no longer order an entire cow with a side of cole slaw.  That if you order dirt as your last meal request you’ll most likely go to the chair starving. And finally, if you’re in a restaurant and spot a shady suspicious looking person eating all kinds of weird stuff you should immediately call the police as nine out of ten times that person is most likely a serial killer.

The only exception to that last rule being if you’re in a restaurant and spot N.J. Governor Chris Christie, Chaz Bono, Rush Limbaugh and Kirstie Alley woofing down all kinds of food a matter of seconds. Pretty safe guess that they’re not serial killers.

N.J. Gov. Chris Christie. If you spot him in a restaurant not panic even though he's eating several fried chickens, five hamburgers, three tacos, and a partridge that was once in a pear tree.'re going to be on the same helicopter as he is.

Still….just to be on the safe side……..beware of the fart factor.

Just a warning folks.

(DONATE) The PayPal donate link is below. If it is not highlighted, copy and paste it into your browser and it will propel you to the PayPal site where you can donate, if you wish. This is completely legal so you don’t have to worry about doing something illegal and winding up on death row. However, if you are a convicted felon currently on death row, and they give you one final request, how about contributing your last few bucks to MisfitWisdom. Hey….it’s one last good deed ya know.

Copyright 2011 MisfitWisdom RLV


About misfit120

Former disc jockey, (Dick Jones) 30 years, and author of, "I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way" available at books, & Kindle, "The Covert Chamber" a mystery novel available at and Barnes & Noble, and "Forgotten" the story of two WWI pilots who were forgotten for over 70 years available on and Kindle
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4 Responses to Meals To Die For…..Literally.

  1. Doc says:

    I think you’re right on the money, with a possible link between eating exorbitant amounts of food and criminal activity. For example, I note that former president Clinton consistently ate double cheese hamburgers, and soon thereafter, became tied to illicit sexual activity and lying to Congress, all the way up to impeachment proceedings. Realizing his mistake, he instead has now become a vegan, and is traveling the world earning untold amounts of money on speaking engagements. (I believe he is also against having an increase in taxes on his new-found wealth over $250,000, but I digress…).

    All I can say is, he probably got warned by Michelle Obama when she was on the board of directors for Treehouse Foods (who funded McDonald’s and Walmart, now public enemies #1 and #2) before she became first lady…I guess she too, thought that she might evolve into a criminal. So she, in turn, gave us the new “food pyramid” (or “my plate”) principally I guess, to reduce the number of criminals in the U.S.

    I wish I had a photo editor like you had for that picture of Chris Christie above, so I could then take a picture of the food I ate at my local donut shop this morning, and present it to my significant other…you know, me retrieving the bag of donuts which was really a plate of broccoli, coupled with a glass of water.

    But I’d rather subscribe to my own version of the “food pyramid” or “my plate”:

    “As you wander on through life, whatever be your goal, keep your eye upon the donut, and not upon the hole.” I follow this rule religiously…

    Next step? the big house…which can accommodate my bigger chair, couch, bed, refrigerator, larger toilet seat, etc…



  2. SVG says:

    Absolutely Doc

    Hate to add on to your commentary though, but your issue is covered by ObamaCare. If you ever need to go to the doctor to care for your ailments, don’t rely on the new proposed rule by Health and Human Services Secretary Sibellius, demanding that insurance companies reveal patient records and detailed health information to the HHS (see proposed rule HHS-OS-2011-0022, in the Federal Register on July 15). Keep mum….

    Otherwise, the feds will know in advance if you’re a pending criminal. Just ignore the fact of the confidential doctor-patient privilege, revelations (and the leaks) of your sensitive data, and revelations of private business practices. The newly-formed IPAB will then use that personal data against you, so as to disapprove any medicine or treatment you may need…

    Once revealed, and you become the criminal you likely will become after eating all of that raucous food, opposing counsel can then use your (supposedly confidential) medical information as a backdrop to your propensity for being a criminal, and lock you away forever.

    If only Michelle Obama had warned us…oh wait, Nancy Pelosi did, telling us to just pass Obama Care, and (only) then “…we will see what’s really in it.”

    Duh. Where is George Orwell when you really need him…

    • misfit120 says:

      Sooooo, can I still get my ham on cheese sandwich, two pizzas, and a gallon of chocolate chip ice cream?

      Click here for my daily blog.

  3. SVG says:

    “YES WE CAN”

    (veggies only on the pizza, though, but there is sufficient “dairy” with the cheese and ice cream, grains on the bread, and ham “protein”–all you need is a fruit–maybe raspberry or strawberry with the ice cream?…—according to “My Plate”)

    You’re killin me here…(oh, did I say too much?)

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