This just in from the MisfitWisdom news desk. According to a reliable
news source, a Mr. Chicken Lickin, and verified by his assistant, Goosey Loosey, the sky is about to fall upon us. I did indeed verify this story by visiting a local Henny Penny store, picking up my local newspaper, and there in plain sight the frightening headline which confirmed my associates warnings:
“NASA SATELLITE WEIGHING SIX TONS TO PLUMMET TO EARTH”
This of course doesn’t necessarily mean that the sky is falling, but that things are going to fall out of the sky. Where you ask? Well ya see, that’s the problem folks. NASA and their scientists aren’t exactly quite sure where debris from this satellite are going to fall. Henceforth the problem and the panic by Chicken Lickin and Goosey Loosey. As well as yours truly.
So this satellite weighs six tons, and according to NASA scientists it will most likely hit the earth sometime Thursday (U.S. time) at the earliest. The latest being Saturday. They’re not quite sure. Which is comforting.
“Harry, could you drive over to the store and get a loaf of bread?”
“Sure dear, but if I’m not back in an hour I might have got squashed by a falling satellite.”
“Ok dear…..no problem, I’ll check our insurance policy and see if you’re covered by falling satellite debris.”
Now the strike zone covers most of the earth. This is also somewhat comforting. The good news is that as the plummeting satellite hurls towards Earth, and any unsuspecting unlucky individual who just happens to be in the right spot at the wrong time might just luck out because it will break into a gazillion pieces as it enters the Earth’s atmosphere thereby limiting your chances of getting hit………by the entire satellite…….but not by the other pieces, most of which will weigh as much as 300 pounds.
Again, that’s somewhat comforting too. Unless you’re extremely overweight, can’t run like a bat outta hell, or you happen to be in a restroom with your pants down at the time. Then you’re basically screwed.
Scientists say that they’ve calculated the odds of “someone somewhere” getting hit by this satellite as 1 in 3,200. BUT…..your odds get better when they word it differently by saying that, “any one person’s odds are 1 in 21 trillion.” Which is almost the same figure as the national debt.
My question is. If they can’t figure out just where this satellite is gonna land, then how in the hell can they figure out your odds at not getting hit?
(NOTE: Never go to a racetrack with a NASA scientist who says he has a sure thing on a horse.)
Another thing, as if what I just told you wasn’t bad enough. If you happen to survive by not getting squished by a piece of this satellite because it landed a few feet away from you, you can’t say “Eureka!” and haul it off in your pickup, post it on eBay and make some big bucks. It’s against the law to keep anything that falls out of space.
Let me clarify that. It’s against the law to keep anything that falls out of space….”deep space”….not space that we live in where bird crap, tree limbs, and an occasional sea-gull may land on you. In that case it’s entirely legal to keep any of that stuff, and, sell it on eBay.
Not to worry folks. NASA says that only a mere 26 of the 7 heaviest metal parts are expected to reach Earth. The biggest chunk weighing only 300 pounds, as I stated earlier. Furthermore, they say that debris will only be scattered over an area of about 500 miles long. So, if it falls in Delaware or Rhode Island, both of those states will be history. On the other hand, if it falls in Alaska or Texas, most of those two states, along with Rick Perry and Sarah Palin will most likely survive.
See, there’s always a silver lining.
“Look! Up in the sky! It’s a bird…..it’s a plane…..nooooooooo….it’s a freakin’ satellite chunk…..runnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!!!!!!
Contributing reporters to this story: Goosey Loosey, Chicken Lickin, Cockey Lockey, Ducky Lucky, Turkey Lurkey and Foxy Loxy.
(DONATE) The PayPal donate link is below. If it is not highlighted, copy and paste it into your browser on Thursday but before Saturday (U.S. time) thereby allowing yourself enough time to contribute lest you get flattened out by some satellite chunks before you have a chance to donate. Might wanna do it now before it’s too late. Especially if you’re the unlucky type.
Copyright 2011 MisfitWisdom RLV