Holy Hamburger Batman!! Heinz Develops A New Ketsup Packet!!!!

How to open a new Heinz ketsup packet for those of you who have a ketsup packet opening deficiency

Yes folks…that’s the big news of the day.  The H.J. Heinz Company, famous

for making Heinz ketsup, a gazillion other Heinz products and Maria Teresa Thierstein Simoes-Ferreira Heinz Kerry, “Terry” for short just in case you can’t inhale enough air to pronounce her whole entire name.

Teresa Kerry is Massachusetts Senator John Kerry’s wife. But, that has nothing to do with the new ketsup packet that Heinz has developed. Just thought I’d throw that information in there in case you happen to be invited to a game of trivial pursuit and her name pops up. Be

Good thing Heinz gives us dumb consumers instructions on how to open their new ketsup packet

prepared….my motto.

Anyhow, after years of dealing with that old tear open and squeeze ketsup packet, Heinz has created a new one called, “the dip and squeeze container” which allows you to either rip open the packet and squeeze the ketsup onto your food or rip it open and dip whatever it is you want to dip into the packet.  (do not attempt this while driving)

The theory behind Heinz’s logic is that people who drive through a drive through window do not want to order french fries because those old packets were hard to open. Hence, a decline in french fry sales and a downfall in the potato market. My guess anyhow.

Heinz conducted a scientific high-tech study of consumers using the new packet. They set up 20 fake mini van interiors and watched consumers through two-way mirrors while they attempted to put ketsup on their burgers, fries and chicken nuggets.

Kinda creepy if ya ask me. A bunch of Heinz scientists watching you as you woof down a hamburger and fries.  Damn perverts.

Now I have no idea how this proved anything considering those fake mini van interiors were fake. I mean, sure, if you’re driving with traffic zipping in and out of your lane, I can see how they could determine the effectiveness of those new packets by the amount of ketsup you have on you after some jerk cuts you off. But a fake mini van.

And why just mini vans anyhow?  Do ketsup users only drive mini vans.? Hmmm….maybe.  Must have been determined by another Heinz survey.

The new packets hold 3 times as much ketsup which obviously means that you’ll get three times as much ketsup on you when you’re driving and screw up. This also means that with three times as much ketsup all over you, you’re more likely to be pulled over by a good Samaritan thinking that your spewing out blood and need help.

To me, a packet of ketsup is just that….a packet of ketsup that you still have to tear open with your damn teeth and then squeeze it to get out the contents. Couldn’t they have come up with something other than another packet?  Why not a tiny ketsup bottle or something. If hot sauce can come in those tiny bottles, why not ketsup?

Of course you’d then have to have a tiny knife to stick into the tiny ketsup bottle to start the flow. Don’t ya just hate that.

And what about all of the other stuff that comes in those tiny squeeze packets. Mustard, relish, and vinegar.  No problem with the vinegar, but the mustard and relish leave a lot to be desired. Maybe the solution to this entire packet problem is to simply abolish them and let automobile manufacturers install ketsup and mustard dispensers in all vehicles. Seems like a great idea to me.

If we can have DVD players, GPS systems, and On-Star in vehicles, why not ketsup and mustard dispensers.  Come on Detroit…get with the damn program. There’s a big need here.  This could boost automobile sales, as well as increasing the sale of ketsup and mustard. While you’re at it, how about a damn potty seat so that we don’t have to waste time stopping at a damn rest area.

Note to Heinz Corporation:  What the hell is the correct spelling of your product?  Catsup, Ketsup or Ketchup? It’s like spelling Gaddafi, Kaddafi or Quaddafi for cripes sake. Maybe these Heinz people were originally from Libya. I don’t get it.

So there ya have it folks.  Another new invention to make our otherwise complicated lives more complicated.

Now if they could only come up with an easy way to open up child proof medicine bottles without having to use a sledgehammer.

(DONATE) The PayPal donate link is below. If it is not highlighted, copy and paste it into your browser using just a small dab of ketsup, which works fine if you want to paste anything onto something.


Copyright 2011 MisfitWisdom RLV

Header: chickart@cox.net

About misfit120

Former disc jockey, (Dick Jones) 30 years, and author of, "I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way" available at Amazon.com books, & Kindle, "The Covert Chamber" a mystery novel available at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble, and "Forgotten" the story of two WWI pilots who were forgotten for over 70 years available on Amazon.com and Kindle
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1 Response to Holy Hamburger Batman!! Heinz Develops A New Ketsup Packet!!!!

  1. As the 5th most obese state in America, you’d think the motor city would have gotten on the band wagon by now! Hilarious post btw.

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