Are You Ready For Some Football? NO!!!!

R-R-R-Red S-S-S-Sox Re...Re...Reporter Heidi Watney.....(pant)

The population of the United States is 311,982,000.  The number of people who are looking forward to the football season is 311,981,999. You’ll notice that the figure went down by one. Because I’m not a football fan. Never have been, never will be, and it ain’t ever gonna change.

Ya see, I was never a jock.  I never even ever wore a jock strap.  Not that I don’t like sports mind you.  I absolutely love baseball and watching the Olympics.  But football is another thing.

I know, some of you reading this think that I must be a pinko communist or something for not liking America’s sport. So sue me already.  I just can’t get into a game that has a bunch of guys in tights running around on a field chasing a ball from one end to another with the opportunity to get their heads bashed in, possibly then suffer severe brain damage, and wind up at age 30 greeting people at a Wal-Mart because they’re severely disabled.

But what ticks me off more than anything else is that football takes up a lot of programming on television.  On any given weekend when I’m attempting to watch the news or another one of my favorite shows,  (“Flashpoint” tonight) it’s usually preempted by football.  Do ya see baseball getting that same amount of air time?

As an example, being a Red Sox fan, they have their own network for games. NESN. (New England Sports Network)  Which means all, with the exception of a few that Fox or ESPN carry, always are on that channel.  Which means that nothing is preempted on regular channels.  So what’s with football?

I’ll tell ya what’s with football.  Football jocks and jockettes outnumber us baseball fans.  Apparently there are way too many “kick butt and knock their heads in” fans of football then there are baseball fans.  Even though Fenway Park and most of Yankee stadium are usually sold out. WTF!!

I think what baseball needs to do is change the rules a bit to entice football fans to watch baseball. If it’s kick butt and knock their heads in ya want, then I say give it to them baseball owners.

Some changes:

Batters who think that the call the umpire made was wrong should be able to beat the livin’ crap outta the umpire.  A good ol fist fight not only will liven up the game, but it might attract more viewers who love that rough and tough stuff.  Everybody loves some bloodshed now and then. Especially if an umpire is involved.

Another exciting moment during a baseball game might be a rule that any fan who reaches out and attempts to grab a ball in play is fair game for the bat boy or girl to grab a freakin’ bat and beat the livin’ daylights out of that fan, then shove the ball down his or her throat.  Prime time viewing on all networks if ya ask me. It would be reality TV at its best.

When any player attempts to steal a base and it’s a very close play, perhaps with the other team’s baseman attempting to block the plate, the player stealing base should be allowed to pick another base he wants to steal rather than the one he originally wanted to steal, thereby confusing the other teams players. Why should the rules say you have to go from first base to second base and so on. Hey, if he’s got a clear shot at third base because second base is blocked, I say go for it. Wouldn’t you take a damn detour if a road was blocked?  Makes sense to me.

Ya want some more action like in football?  Ok.  How about cheerleaders at baseball games.  Football has them, so why not baseball.  I say have some scantily clad boobish cheerleader at each base cheering on the player as he makes his way to each base.  Might encourage some of those guys who can’t run worth a damn to run faster.  Especially when the next batter takes a lot of pitches, which would then allow the guy on base to get to know the hot babe cheering him on.

Managers who dispute a call made by an umpire should be allowed to actually touch the umpire.  As it stands now, you cannot touch an umpire or you get thrown out of the game.  Maybe that’s why umpires are so cold-hearted. They need that affection. That one on one moment. Perhaps a stroke or a pat or even a hug now and then.

In the case of Joe West and Angel Hernandez, hugs and pats are out of the question as these two umpires are the ogres of baseball.  When challenging these two umpires, managers should be allowed to carry a 2 by 4 with them and practice “whack-a-mole.”

To liven up the play by-play on television and radio broadcasts, the announcers, (Don Orsillo and Jerry Remy (TV) and Joe Castiglione and Dave O’Brien (radio) should be able to use more colorful language when doing the play by-play.  This definitely would attract more viewers.

Orsillo:  “Big Papi just hit that ball outta the freakin’ park and it’s on its way to the Mass. Pike!  Holy crap Jerry!”

Remy: “You’re right Don…that mother****ing ball was absolutely crushed. The pitcher thought he had him with two strikes on Big Papi but he took that ball and just shoved it up his butt.  What a great swing. Guess that’ll show those SOB’s we mean business Don. By the way, how are the Yankees doing?”

“They’re in the fifth inning Jerry, and Oakland has a 2 to nothing lead.”

“Aw….they’re just F**king with them Don….you know how those damn Yankees are.”

Yep…I can see baseball expanding its coverage to more than just NESN or the Yes network.  Football…..we’re gonna give you a run for your money. No more mister nice guy baseball games.

Now if I could only convince Heidi Watney to wear that outfit (above) when doing her reports on NESN.

(DONATE) The PayPal donate link is below. If it is not highlighted, copy and paste it into your browser and it will take you to the PayPal site, unless an umpire says that you can’t go there. In that case, simply wait till the umpire has his back turned, then copy and paste it into your browser and head for first base.

Copyright 2011 MisfitWisdom RLV


Umpire Angel Hernandez at a recent Red Sox - Yankees game.

About misfit120

Former disc jockey, (Dick Jones) 30 years, and author of, "I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way" available at books, & Kindle, "The Covert Chamber" a mystery novel available at and Barnes & Noble, and "Forgotten" the story of two WWI pilots who were forgotten for over 70 years available on and Kindle
This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Are You Ready For Some Football? NO!!!!

  1. Doc says:

    Not that I’m saying you’re “math challenged” by any means, but subtracting “one viewer” from 311,982,000 is not 311,981,000–but 311,981,999….losing 999 football fans really hurts.

    To help baseball further, I would rather have the cheerleaders actually RUN on the bases with the player chasing after them–surely they would run faster? (yes, and don’t call me Shirley) (p.s. if it was Heidi Wantsme, I might run juuussst a little faster).

    Another idea is to have major department and electronic stores offer FREE tv’s after major baseball series when customers bash in their tv’s from watching bad plays…it would bring in a steady stream of customers, help the economy by manufacturing tv parts, increase radio coverage, reduce doctor’s visits from patients with depression (thereby reducing health costs), couples therapy, etc.

    The only other tv coverage that outshines baseball AND football is this freaking Hurricane Irene watch (and perhaps ads for books on Hitler and WW II Nazi Germany).

Leave a Reply to misfit120 Cancel reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s