Lab Grown Meat. Geez….I Can Hardly Wait.

This description of how to make cow burgers is very mooooooving.

Yum….test tube hamburgers. Yep, we’re on our way to eliminating cows. Or, at least putting a big smile on their faces when they learn they won’t have to do anything but give milk.  Unless, they also discover how to make milk without cows.

WAIT….they already have. It comes in a  box and all ya do is add water. I think the cows are screwed already. Not to mention the bulls. What the hell are they gonna do with all of their spare time?  Oh yeah, they’re still gonna do what bulls do.

“Hi sweetie, nice pair of udders.”

Anyhow, in an article by “Mail Online” written by Sophie Borland, who I’m assuming has spent a lot of time hanging around with cows, or scientists, she reports that the first “test-tube hamburger is only a year away.  Oh joy!

Now this should really get your taste buds working full-time. The product is beef mince grown from stem cells and it could pave the way for eating meat without slaughtering cows.

How exactly do ya mince a cow? Do they have giant blenders or something that they set on puree? Or, considering they’re not slaughtering cows, how exactly do you mince something that resembles a cow?

(checking article)

Oh, sorry, I missed the part that said that they were mincing stem cells from cows. Yum.  I feel better already.

Not only that, but they can also do this with other animals such as chicken and lamb.  It only takes 10,000 stem cells extracted from cattle to make one burger.  Those cells are left alone in a lab to multiply more than a billion times to produce muscle tissue similar to beef.

Getting hungry aren’t you.

Now, here’s how the burgers are made.  Pay attention here McDonald’s, Burger King and Wendys.

1. A sample cell is taken from a healthy cow. ( I’m assuming cows must have to pass physical tests, and be free of drugs and have never smoked cigarettes)

2. 10,000 stem cells are extracted from the sample.  (it doesn’t say exactly how someone determines when they get to 10,000 or if they’re screwed and have to start all over if it’s 10,001)

3.  Cells divide and billions grow under laboratory conditions in a dish. (they remain under constant supervision by a Dr. Frankenstein and his aide Igor)

4. Young muscle cells are grown on a “scaffold” that puts tension on them to bulk up.  (again, I’m assuming that in order to “bulk up” these cells, a gym, kinda like “Work Out World” is available to all participating cells or perhaps the cows who they get the cells from. Don’t want any skinny or puny looking cows donating their cells)

5. Muscle fibres (their spelling) are then minced and turned into burgers. (can you see this process taking place at your local fast food place)

“Hey Larry, we need several more burgers, we’re runnin’ out here!”

“No problem boss, I’ll just stick three more cows into the blender and you’ll have em in a second.”

Now, for you unemployed people out there who’ve been searching for a job, here’s the best part about this minced burger project.  They’re looking for people who are willing to be the first to taste it. Supposedly it’s really not that bad if you want to consider applying.

For instance, in 2009 scientists from the same university grew strips of pork using the same method. They admitted that it was not particularly appetizing, being grey with a similar texture to calamari, but (my opinion) add a little A1 Steak sauce or some apple sauce and what the hell.

(bring a barf bag jusssssst in case folks)

A colleague of one of the professors in this experiment said, “When we are eating a hamburger, we don’t think, “I’m eating a dead cow”.  Adding, “and when people are already far from what they eat, it’s not too hard to see them accepting cultured meat.”

Well that sums it up folks. Minced cow burgers are on the horizon.  Cows will live a long and healthy life grazing the open fields with those big cow eyes staring at one other and smiling. Bulls will have a field day.  There will be cows everywhere…..millions of them, never having to go to the old slaughterhouse ever again.

Utopia for cows.

The end result of all this.  Cows will be running rampant throughout the land, taking over our neighborhoods, blocking our streets, eating up our lawns and gardens with bulls having sex right at our front doors.  The earth will become overrun with cows and bulls. Not to mention bulls**t.

Which is exactly what happened to the Mayans years ago when they did the same experiments.  That guy from California, Harold Camping was right when he said the earth would be coming to an end.  Cept, it’s won’t be from a giant earthquake or meteor…….

it will be from cows taking over the earth.

Think I’ll stick to just eating cows the regular way.

Hey….I’ll be doing my part to save mankind.

Copyright 2011 MisfitWisdom RLV


About misfit120

Former disc jockey, (Dick Jones) 30 years, and author of, "I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way" available at books, & Kindle, "The Covert Chamber" a mystery novel available at and Barnes & Noble, and "Forgotten" the story of two WWI pilots who were forgotten for over 70 years available on and Kindle
This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

1 Response to Lab Grown Meat. Geez….I Can Hardly Wait.

  1. swedenole13 says:

    New huge by-product….saleable methane gas! P.U.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s