It’s a sad day in rabbit land. Yes folks, its true. Playboy Magazine founder and eternal gigolo Hugh Hefner, (85) and his bride to be, Crystal Harris, (25) have officially called it splitsville.
This poses a problem for Hef considering the July issue of “Playboy Magazine” features Crystal on the cover. Subscribers, such as my perverted self, will get the cover as it was originally produced, but newstand copies will have a big red sticker on it with the heading, “Runaway Bride In This Issue.”
His statement regarding the issue: “Recent events call for a special sticker on the July cover. Look for it on the newsstands.” Hmmm…..sounds like a TV ad doesn’t it.
“Coming soon to a newstand near you….Playboy Magazine with a bigggggg red sticker.”
Then there’s the 300 or so odd guests that were supposed to attend the big wedding gala in Chicago yesterday. OMG!! What to do with all those imported carrots.
Carrots = bunnies = Playboy bunnies. You get it don’t ya?
Crystal apparently was making some demands which both could not agree on which resulted in the split. She wanted a bigger allowance and a career in the music business. Geez, don’t we all. Damn, I’d marry Hef myself if I could get a damn allowance and a career in the music business.
Now tell me honestly folks. Did any of you actually think that Crystal was gonna marry Hefner because he was some hunk and the love of her life? If ya believe that, you’re freakin’ nuts or in a rest home somewhere looking at Hef’s picture and drooling…..either because you think Hef is a hunk or you’re just old and drool a lot.
It’s like this my naive children. Hef is worth gazillions of dollars from all the money he’s made from Playboy Magazine, and from saving money on clothes because all he ever wears is bathrobes. So, if you’re a hot babe who happens to be a Playboy Bunny and know that he’s worth gazillions, what’s the best way to get your hands on his money? Simple…..grab him where his heart is, below his waist, and flash those biggggg boobs, and eyes, and profess your eternal love to him and……..shazam!……..get married and inherit the kingdom.
Unless…..you want an increase in your allowance and a music deal. Sorry, doesn’t come with the package Crystal.
“But Heffy honeeeee, what does come with the package?”
“Crystal, (drool) you know the deal. I’m 85 and you’re 25, so you don’t have to worry about sox…um….I mean sex every night. (hack, hack) All you have to do is be seen with me, (drool) and maybe, when you’re changing my depends, we can fool around a bit, but you have to be on top when we make out just in case I buy the farm during all that heated passion.”
“You mean there’s no bigger allowance and a music deal?”
“Sorry sweetie. The big allowance I promised you was what you get after I pop several Viagra pills. As far as a career in the music business is concerned, how the hell can I get you a job there if I can’t even get one…whaddya stoopid?”
“Well that’s it Heffy….the weddings off. I’m takin’ the dog, my sexy underwear and monthly supply of chocolate covered carrots with me…see ya you jerk.”
“Fine…..be that way….but the bunny tail and ears stay here.”
So the wedding’s off and Hef is left standing at the altar……or bathroom…..one can’t be too sure at his age.
Note to Hef: Personally fella, a word of advice from MisfitWisdom. Look Hef, you’re 85. Give up the young hot babe routine. It’s just not gonna work. You want a long-lasting relationship…depending on how long-lasting a relationship can be when you’re 85, how about just landing some hot babe, say around 70 or 80, like Jane Fonda, which is much more believable, and put her on the cover of Playboy and marry her.
My guess is that you won’t sell a hell of a lot of Playboy Magazine issues because nobody wants to see a 70 or 80-year-old woman naked, um….except for me,….(sorry) but at least it’s believable.
Um……if you do that….you might wanna put another biggggg sticker on the cover, lest 90% of younger Playboy Magazine readers barf when they get their senior wedding issue of the magazine. Just to be on the safe side.
Copyright 2011 MisfitWisdom RLV