I see it comin’ down the pike folks. Death to all who smoke. Yeah, I know, if you smoke you’re already getting the death penalty by inhaling all those chemicals. But, that’s your choice as far as I’m concerned.
However, the city of New York, that place that never sleeps, which should be reason enough for anyone in N.Y. City to smoke, has just passed a new law that went into effect this past Monday that bans smoking within 43 square miles of parks, public plazas, beaches and board walks. If you break the law you can be fined $50…………….. WTF!
43 square miles!!! 43 square miles!!!
“Um, excuse me sir, as an officer of the law in this fine city of New York, the city that never sleeps, and also, I might add, where one can make it to the top of the heap, and also be A number one, king of the hill, top of the list and if you make it here you can make it anywhere and……”
“Ok…Ok….officer Frank, for cripes sake…I get it already….so what do ya want?”
“Well my fine citizen, I happened to be standing here on this busy corner and noticed that you were about to light up a disgusting vile cigarette here in our fine metropolis, which is illegal, due to the fact that Central Park is a mere four miles down the road and Jones Beach over in Long Island is just a hop skip and a jump if you drive over the Whitestone bridge and get on the Long Island Expressway.”
“WHAT!!! You’re kidding me. I can’t light up a cigarette even though I’m miles from any park, plaza, beach and boardwalk? WTF! I can’t even see a damn beach from here, never mind a freakin’ boardwalk.”
“Sir, no need to get testy with me, I’m only enforcing the law. It doesn’t matter if you can see those places or not. If you light up here, smoke will drift for miles and miles and some poor innocent bystander taking a stroll through Central Park could inhale second-hand smoke.”
“WHAT! What the hell about those damn taxis, trucks and other vehicles spewing out smoke that make me wanna gag?”
“I’m sorry sir, that’s not my department. You have to contact the EPA for that if you wish to file a complaint. I’m strictly on the cigarette smoke swat team.”
“OK, OK….so how far do I have to be from any of those places that I can’t see from here?”
“43 square miles sir.”
“43 SQUARE FREAKIN MILES!!!!!! What the hell do I have to do, drive to New Jersey or Connecticut to have a smoke?”
“Well, you might want to check your GPS on that one sir. New Jersey and Connecticut are pretty close to New York City so you might still have a problem. I suggest driving to Pennsylvania or Rhode Island just to be on the safe side.”
“You gotta be kidding. Hey….what about those drunks over there, and that hooker standing on the corner and that foreign looking guy with a big bulge under his coat? I just wanna smoke a damn cigarette!”
“Sir, as you know, second-hand smoke is dangerous. Hookers are not, unless you’re a politician. The drunks over there contribute to the economy and as for that foreign looking guy, he’s one of us undercover smoke police, and that bulge under his coat is a bigggggg fire extinguisher.”
“Damn it….I give up. I’m just gonna go into this erotica store here and browse through the porno stuff.”
“Good choice sir. No one ever dies from reading pornography. Have a nice day.”
Ok everybody…..once again….alllll together……
“Bop ba da da bop, bop ba da da bop, bop ba da da bop, bop….start spreading the news, I am leaving today, I want to be a part of it, Newwwww Yorrrrk ,Newwwww Yorrrrk…..I wanna wake up in a city that never sleeps…and…..
um……maybe not in a city that never sleeps. Can’t catch a quick smoke if everyone’s awake. Never know when someone’s gonna turn your butt in.
Copyright 2011 MisfitWisdom RLV
(Thanks to Ranit Mishori, Washington Post for the cartoon)