How To Become A Sucessful Author……or not.

Herr's and Fraulein's buy der ferstookin kinder books now! Dat iss AN ORDER! OR ELSE!!!! (cartoon:chud.com)

This past weekend I played the part of “gopher” at an event sponsored by the “Connecticut Association of Authors and Publishers,” (CAPA) which should not be confused with CAPO, which is a highly ranked person in the mafia. Although I think, as an unsuccessful author myself, I might make more money being a CAPO rather than a writer.

Unless you’re Nathan Fillon who plays “David Castle,” a writer on the TV series “Castle.” I already contacted my local police department to see if they could use a writer, but they hung up on me.

It’s not, in my own opinion, that I am a bad writer, it’s that I’ve chosen to write about things that nobody gives a rats behind about. Well, that, and the fact that unless you’re a huge celebrity, a Governor who’s resigned, write a tell all book, or write about sex, you’re never going to make it.

Sex, I think is the number one subject that sells when it comes to being a successful author.  Next to that are children’s books. Unfortunately you can’t combine sex and children’s books. Bummer.

I would have thought that writing about Nazi’s would have skyrocketed my book to the top of the best seller list.  Everybody loves Nazi’s.  Well, reading about them anyhow.  I think possibly had I written about Nazi’s, sex and somehow included children running around a playground with some furry animals that were able to talk, I might have had a chance of making it to the best seller list.

I’ve determined this by the amount of children’s books that were selling at the CAPA event this past weekend. The problem is I find it difficult, with my strange demented mind, to write a children’s book and not veer off into suspenseful dark plots involving sinister characters, murder, and an occasional mild sex scene.  Not good if you’re planning to write a children’s book.

Oh sure, I’ve had ideas for a children’s book, and even have an entire book stored on my computer, but somehow I got carried away and had “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs” involved in shady activities and “Cinderella” not so quite on the up and up.  I just can’t help myself.  I start out writing innocent stuff, and then, the dark side takes over.

For instance, take the old story about the tortoise and the hare.  You know how that went.  They were racing to see who would win and the hare laughed at the tortoise because he was slow and figured he’d take a break along the way, and, in doing so, the tortoise was able to win the race.  Simple…right!  But in my mind I thought about the implications of this story. Suppose the hare was paid to throw the race by bookmakers who thought the take on betting on the tortoise would pay off much better.  Or, suppose the tortoise somehow drugged the hare prior to the actual race.  See what I mean.

Nobody’s going to wanna buy a children’s book if those facts are brought up. Everybody wants a damn happy ending with all that, “and they lived happily ever after crap.”  Gimmie a break here.  Nobody ever lives happily ever after anymore, except Sara Palin.  So how do you write a children’s book and not give them the straight facts?

Who the heck is going to believe all that stuff about the Three Little Pigs getting their homes blown away by a damn wolf and yet making it in the end by sharing a house with the last pig who built a brick house.  Ya hafta bring FEMA into the picture and government funding or it’s just not believable. Don’t ya think children should know this stuff?

And that old line about kissing a damn frog and it turning into a prince. Yeah right! So what the heck does this lead to. I’ll tell ya what. Little innocent kids running around the park trying to kiss frogs and winding up with warts….that’s what!

So you see, it’s not that I can’t write children’s books, it’s that I’m realistic enough to know that in today’s politically correct society you simply have to tell it like is.  Which is why I chose to write about Nazi’s, murder, and sex. Not necessarily in that order.

So, that said, did I sell any books? NO!  Did I attempt to sell any books at that CAPA event? NO!  Did I bring a copy of my book and show it to people? YES….but um pictures of Nazi’s scared them off…..especially the little kids.

I think I need to work on a new game plan here.  Perhaps more friendly looking Nazi’s, or maybe a book about Nazi animals or something.  Not that I’m obsessed with Nazi’s mind you, but I figure if they read a new book that I’ve written about Nazi’s that’s only about animals, perhaps they’ll warm up to reading my present book about bad Nazi’s and be able to form an opinion about Nazi’s in general by hearing both sides. Which would mean that Nazi animals in my book would have to speak…..as we know that most animals do in children’s books.

Ya know….this all seems too confusing to me. Nobody’s going to buy the “good Nazi” animal thing. Neither is writing about sex. (sigh)

Think I’d just better stick to writing this blog.  That way I can stick in a Nazi or two here and there. An occasional sex story. Exposes’ on political big wigs. Celebrity scandals. Stupid people. And when the world is coming to an end.

And, if by chance, any of your little tykes have access to the Internet and this blog, they’ll finally understand what the heck life is really all about………

Money………..selling children’s books.

Copyright 2011 MisfitWisdom RLV

Header: chickart@cox.net

About misfit120

Former disc jockey, (Dick Jones) 30 years, and author of, "I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way" available at Amazon.com books, & Kindle, "The Covert Chamber" a mystery novel available at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble, and "Forgotten" the story of two WWI pilots who were forgotten for over 70 years available on Amazon.com and Kindle
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