Ralph...Herman....come on, lets''s get outta this stinkin' cup and go where the action is....the hot fudge is waitin' for us in the bedroom.....YES!
Ok, I freely admit to being a little on the strange side. But I KNOW I’m a bit weird, the rest of you still have to wonder. But….that said, I’m not completely alone here.
I read with great interest an article in this past Sunday’s “Parade” magazine entitled, “America By The Numbers,” and discovered that there are waaaaay too many strange people out there roaming around freely. After reading that article, I’m locking my doors at night.
For instance, “Parade” broke down various statistics from each of the 50 states. Like Vermont, which leads the nation in daily consumption of fruits and vegetables. Which, in my opinion may account for the amount of flatulence one experiences when eating in a Vermont restaurant.
Boston is cited as the best city for online dating. Didn’t say why, but my guess would be because Boston is such a big sports town, Red Sox, Bruins, Celtics, Patriots, that guys are so consumed with attending these games they only have time to make a date online during a game…..like during a time out or a pitching change.
The sleepiest states, (yawn) were listed in order….sleepiest first, West Virginia, Tennessee, Kentucky, Oklahoma and Florida. Which is easy to understand. Lots of woods, trees and wild animals out there in the first four states, so there’s nothing really to do other than sleep. I’m assuming they don’t have cable TV either due to the cost of stringing cable out there to the wide open spaces. Oklahoma, which does have cable, most likely just gets re-runs, so that accounts for the sleepy mode. As for Florida, a gazillion retired seniors live there…..need I say more.
Parade also listed a “rising star.” The Fish Taco. Scuse me while I barf. Who in their right mind would go into a Mexican restaurant and order a fish taco? Jules Verne or Lloyd Bridges maybe. That’s like going into a Taco Bell and ordering spaghetti. Um…..wait a sec….I think I may have done that. Hey, I DID say I was kinda strange.
Cosmetic surgery procedures were listed by where and what type were performed the most. The Northeast had the most for nose reshaping. This due to the fact that most mafia dons live in the Northeast, are Italian like myself, and have big noses.
Buttock implants were the big thing in the South Atlantic area. I’m assuming many opted for this procedure due to the hazards of climbing cocoanut trees, falling, and landing on their butts. Butt implants help cushion the fall. (stay away from eating in Vermont restaurants though)
The most common cosmetic surgical procedures for men were, nose reshaping and for women, breast augmentation….or way it the other way around? Nope, I was right the first time I was mistakenly looking at a photograph of some guy in a bathing suit that was overweight. Sorry.
Weather wise, places that got the most of: Snow….Syracuse, N.Y. which should be annexed to Canada anyhow. Rain….Hilo, Hawaii, which is why Donald Trump waited so long to check out Obama’s birth certificate. It’s a sun and tan thing with Donald. Most Sun….Yuma, Arizona, which is why they made that movie, “3:10 to Yuma” which was filmed during the heat of the day, so, they all went back to Hollywood thinking, “boy was it freakin’ hot” and that’s how Yuma got to be on Parade’s list. And finally, the least sun, Juneau, Alaska, which might or might not be near Walissa, Alaska, home of Sarah Palin….and, we all know what lack of sun can do for ya…..know what I mean….you betcha!
Finally on Parade’s list of people, places, things etc.,was America’s favorites.
Mark Harmon, of NCIS came in at number one. I would think only women voted on this one. Although he is kinda cute…but not my type…or gender…sorry Mark.
Favorite sport was football. OK jocks, I’ll give ya that one. My own opinion is that football was voted their favorite only because it’s on every stinkin’ television channel during the season, while baseball is relegated to a once in a while ESPN gig or on it’s own channel. I think it’s just that guys like to see guys beat up and knocked around all over the place too. Women love it too because they get to see jocks in tight speedo type outfits. Not your everyday Wal-Mart shopping type experience for the ladies.
The most popular cookie by far was the Oreo. Dairy farmers and cows at various voted on this one due to the fact that milk would not be as popular if it were not for that cookie. Keeps sales up.
The most popular candy was M & M’s. Didn’t say whether it was plain or peanut, although I kinda lean towards the peanut ones myself. I think it’s Patrick Warburton’s M & M’s commercial voice overs that make me lean toward the peanut ones. Eating one makes ya feel kinda masculine for some reason.
And, finally, “hot-fudge” is America’s most favorite ice-cream topping. This however is a huge misconception. I’m sure when asked which is their favorite topping, hot fudge was immediately cited, but, most likely no one mentioned if it they meant on ice cream. I’ll bet ya hot fudge…….chocolate warm, soothing, sensuous, hot fudge, is not what the respondents had in mind when they answered that question.
“Lick THIS….baaaaaaby!”
Um….not that I have had any first hand experience with pouring hot fudge over my body and having a…..um….er…..neverrrrrr mind.
Think I’ll bail outta this blog before I incriminate myself. Besides, I all of a sudden have a very deep craving for a banana split with hot fudge to share with my other half while sitting naked……um……..
See ya later folks…..
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